Parents’ Weekend Pretty Quiet in Carrboro

CARRBORO, NC – While Chapel Hill was inundated with visitors over the past two days, Carrboro residents enjoyed another adult-free Parents’ Weekend.

Several of the town’s inhabitants reported that their parents had planned to visit, but “things can be difficult” when the divide between parent and Carrboro resident is so vast.

“I hate my parents’ judgmental attitude; they don’t respect my creative endeavors,” explained Carrboro resident Harper Kenzie. “When I took a semester off to practice incorporating Afro-Cubano beats and traditional folk harmonies into my spoken word poetry, they told me that they couldn’t keep supporting me. As if they ever have.”

Kenzie, whose parents continue to finance her $900 per month rent and growing collection of antique drum machines, added that the fact her father was sure to wear jean shorts and a fanny pack unironically was “a deal breaker” for the visit.

Aidan Haverford, who spent Parents’ Weekend picking up cigarette butts on Weaver street for an art project, described his single mother as a “corporate sell out” and “idiot” who “never lived a day in her life.”

Haverford reportedly supplements his weekly grocery allowance with part-time employment as a Molly dealer.

Unlike many Carrboro residents, Amelia Ernhart wanted her parents to visit, but they refused because of objections to her current living arrangement, which involves several heavy Xanax users, a coked-out creative writing minor trying to “figure it out”, and a pet tortoise named Alexander Graham Bell.

“I’ve only gotten salmonella twice,” Ernhart reported.

The parents of Huxley McPherson decided not to visit their son in Carrboro after a heated phone conversation, in which McPherson announced that he would drop his economics and political science majors to pursue degrees in anthropology and comparative literature.

When asked how he would pay his student loans while studying the story telling traditions of the Ndembu tribe of Ghana, McPherson reported that the system could “go fuck itself” and that defaulting on his student loans would be an “important act of political protest against the corporatization of American university life.”

His parents disagreed.

At press time, Open Eye Cafe announced it will extend its hours all this week to allow residents more time to write scathing stream-of-consciousness “fiction” that they hope their parents will stumble upon.

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Moral Mondays Providing Professors New Place to be Center of Attention

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Raleigh, NC — Not satisfied with the attention of hundreds of bleary-eyed freshman in his 8:00 am Political Science 101 class, Professor Andrew Simmons has joined a growing number of UNC faculty by “making [his] voice heard” and “generally taking charge” at the Moral Mondays protests of the North Carolina General Assembly.

“It’s easy being the center of attention in a room full of students,” said Simmons, “but that’s not what being a professor is about. Being a professor is about being the center of attention wherever you are.”

Simmons explained that large, politically charged audiences and broad media coverage make Moral Mondays particularly attractive to attention-seeking professors such as himself. “Sometimes these civil rights things get picked up nationally,” he said, “so by bringing attention to myself here in Raleigh, I can make a difference in the number of people who care what I think not just around the state, but across the country.”

Many of Simmons’s colleagues have expressed a similar enthusiasm for foisting their histrionics on the demonstrations.

“I want people to listen to my opinion on every topic,” said Paul Gottfried, a professor of neuroscience at UNC’s school of medicine. “Having a PhD isn’t about being an expert in your field, it’s about proving that you’re smarter than everybody else. I’m tired of people only listening to me when I talk about science. I deserve better.”

As the protests have sustained momentum into the school year, an unprecedented number of faculty have commandeered the movement to feed their insatiable egos. Asked about the phenomenon, professor of sociology Jane Abrams explained that protests offer professors an opportunity to demand attention without “coming across as petulant children.”

“Behaviors that would seem whiney and self-serving in everyday life becomes noble and altruistic at a protest,” explained Abrams. “That’s why I’m going.”

The Weigh-In: Parents’ Weekend Football

The Tar Heels take on ECU this Parents’ Weekend. What’s your take?

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“Woooooo! I’m fucked up!”

Nancy Longhurst, ’86, Parent

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“I usually lose interest in these things around halftime. At least basketball season is right around the corner.”

Bryn Renner, ’15, Communications & Sociology

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“I’m an orphan.”

Landon Shelby, ’14, English

Phi Mu Sacrifices Virginal Pledge in Macabre Derby Daze Gambit

Chapel Hill, NC – In a last ditch attempt to reclaim first place in Sigma Chi’s Derby Daze competition, the UNC chapter of the Phi Mu sorority made a ritual sacrifice of virgin pledge Abigail Richmond on the front lawn of the Sigma Chi house Thursday evening.

Derby Daze, the yearly competition in which sororities vie for the affection of Sigma Chi brothers through a series of contests, has been the cornerstone of Phi Mu’s social reputation for years. The sorority won the competition in 2011 and 2012.

“A non-three-peat would be devastating,” said Phi Mu president Marissa Simmons.

After a loss to Zeta Tau Alpha in the “Hashtags on Facebook Hoe-Down” and close second to Tri Delta in the famous “Long Shirt, Nike Shorts Fashion Show”, sources close to Phi Mu reported the girls were “freaking the fuck out” after having fallen to third place in the Derby Daze standings.

Still, things didn’t get “really desperate” until the chapter lost Thursday night’s baking competition to Kappa Kappa Gamma, reported Kelly Cooper, a sister at Phi Mu. Cooper noted that Anna Fields, the baker of the less than stellar chocolate chip cookies, will attend a Phi Mu Standards Council meeting next Wednesday, where her continued association with the sorority will be evaluated.

After an emergency discussion by the Phi Mu executive committee, sisters moved in solemn procession under torch light to Fraternity Court. “Lo in the dark and tempestuous hour, wicked fate must be sated with pure blood,” said Simmons as the sisters prepared their sacrifice. “Let’s see those Tri Delt bitches top this.”

The decision to sacrifice a virgin reflects the unusually dire position in which Phi Mu found itself in this year’s competition. Phi Mu has not resorted to such action since 2004, when, according to Phi Mu alum Jessica Parks, the sorority “just really wanted to mix with DKE.”

Brothers at Sigma Chi described the sacrifice as “ballsy” and “chill as hell.”

“We know we’re not Beta, so it feels good that at least one sorority is willing to sacrifice a virgin to us,” said Sigma Chi president Chad Erikson.

Sigma Chi released an updated Derby Daze ranking in the hours after the sacrifice. Phi Mu had moved into second place.

Board of Trustees Seeks Student Opinions: “The Student We Pick Is Kyle”

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Following a contentious meeting yesterday, the Board of Trustees realized there was a real need to garner student opinions on the controversial issues faced by the university.

“We know they are problems,” said Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Winston Crisp, “and we want to get student perspectives. Specifically Kyle’s. That guy is awesome.”

This afternoon, Crisp met with Kyle, a junior Art History and History double major and “really amazing kid,” to discuss the many problems ailing the UNC community. Crisp sent Kyle a Google Poll earlier in the morning to collect his preliminary opinions on issues ranging from coal divestment to “if you would want to just hang out in the South Building sometime.”

Chancellor Carol Folt backed the decision to seek student views on the issues of the day. “When we’re discussing decisions that affect campus so profoundly, bringing a student voice to the table is imperative,” Folt said. “Kyle’s voice.”

“Kyle is so chill,” Folt continued. “For me, it’s not even that Kyle represents other students. I just want him to like me.”

Sources close to Kyle say he was “surprised and honored” to have his opinion sought by the trustees, but also that it “seemed kind of natural he’d be the one they’d go to,” considering the one time Kyle sent the DTH a never-to-be published letter about tuition rates.

Upgraded Alert Carolina Prescient

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Earlier this week, the Department of Public Safety rolled out the latest version of the Alert Carolina Emergency Notification System. Sources report that the new system’s creators have imbued it with the ability to see into the future.

“This is a big step forward in crime prevention,” said Jeff McCracken, Director of Public Safety. “Alert Carolina’s transcendence of the temporal realm will help us keep campus safe.”

Two days ago, at 2:48 am, Alert Carolina awakened UNC students with its first clairvoyant message: “Also the dragon, earthborn, in craftiness and lust cometh behind thee.” Heeding the warning, police arrested Chapel Hill resident Jerry Dragon, 48, as he began to stalk a UNC sophomore on Franklin Street at 3:17 am.

Several of Alert Carolina’s new features are still in development. Early Thursday morning, administrators sent an email notifying faculty, staff, and students that a preliminary test of the system’s new ‘Siren Song’ will be conducted on Tuesday, October 8th at 12:00 pm. “Be sure to cover your ears,” the message read, “and do not fall for the temptations that will be broadcast throughout campus.”

Despite the upgraded system’s immense power, law enforcement officials and members of the campus community are still struggling to interpret its messages, which have taken on an air of grave mystery since Alert Carolina gained prescience. At press time, the notification–“Now  your statues are standing and pouring sweat. They shiver with dread. The black blood drips from the highest rooftops. They have seen the necessity of evil.”–had prompted police to arrest every 18-35 year old black man in the Chapel Hill area on suspicion of indeterminate future crime.

Freshmen Make Intense, Painful Love

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Chapel Hill, NC – After six weeks of shy glances and cautious flirtation, freshmen Alex Hammond and Emily Stiles consummated their relationship in a bout of passionate and uncomfortable lovemaking.

The young lovers were left alone Thursday night by a combination of happy chance and an intense desire to get Late Night on the part of Hammond’s roommate, a first time cannabis smoker.

The toilsome encounter began with a minute and a half of excruciating silence, save for the hum of the decrepit air conditioner and the frenzied beating of hearts caught between lust and innocence.

Hammond broke the tension when, in an act of herculean bravery, he latched a sweaty hand onto Stiles’ soon-to-be equally sweaty thigh.

The two formed a silent pact to dispense with foreplay, an art of which both were self-consciously ignorant.

The action soon moved to Hammond’s lofted bed, where he struggled first with Stiles’ bra—an obstacle which he had foreseen but for which he was woefully unprepared—and then with the condom which he had bashfully carried in his wallet since the first day of C-TOPS.

After several minutes of unexpected fumbling and fruitless cycling through theretofore untried positions, Hammond began a series of exaggerated and irregular thrusts which were complicated by his inability to gain traction atop his Carolina blue comforter.

After seconds that felt more like seconds, elation faded into confusion through several minutes of smiles and tentative groping. The post-coital honeymoon was hastily concluded as the return of Hammond’s roommate grew nigh.  Stiles dressed as Hammond attempted to stuff the entirety of his comforter into his laundry basket.

Stiles described the event to her friends as “beautiful” and “perfect” while Hammond waited a full 15 minutes to message his older brother with a variety of questions and comments.