Parents’ Weekend Pretty Quiet in Carrboro

CARRBORO, NC – While Chapel Hill was inundated with visitors over the past two days, Carrboro residents enjoyed another adult-free Parents’ Weekend.

Several of the town’s inhabitants reported that their parents had planned to visit, but “things can be difficult” when the divide between parent and Carrboro resident is so vast.

“I hate my parents’ judgmental attitude; they don’t respect my creative endeavors,” explained Carrboro resident Harper Kenzie. “When I took a semester off to practice incorporating Afro-Cubano beats and traditional folk harmonies into my spoken word poetry, they told me that they couldn’t keep supporting me. As if they ever have.”

Kenzie, whose parents continue to finance her $900 per month rent and growing collection of antique drum machines, added that the fact her father was sure to wear jean shorts and a fanny pack unironically was “a deal breaker” for the visit.

Aidan Haverford, who spent Parents’ Weekend picking up cigarette butts on Weaver street for an art project, described his single mother as a “corporate sell out” and “idiot” who “never lived a day in her life.”

Haverford reportedly supplements his weekly grocery allowance with part-time employment as a Molly dealer.

Unlike many Carrboro residents, Amelia Ernhart wanted her parents to visit, but they refused because of objections to her current living arrangement, which involves several heavy Xanax users, a coked-out creative writing minor trying to “figure it out”, and a pet tortoise named Alexander Graham Bell.

“I’ve only gotten salmonella twice,” Ernhart reported.

The parents of Huxley McPherson decided not to visit their son in Carrboro after a heated phone conversation, in which McPherson announced that he would drop his economics and political science majors to pursue degrees in anthropology and comparative literature.

When asked how he would pay his student loans while studying the story telling traditions of the Ndembu tribe of Ghana, McPherson reported that the system could “go fuck itself” and that defaulting on his student loans would be an “important act of political protest against the corporatization of American university life.”

His parents disagreed.

At press time, Open Eye Cafe announced it will extend its hours all this week to allow residents more time to write scathing stream-of-consciousness “fiction” that they hope their parents will stumble upon.

Moral Mondays Providing Professors New Place to be Center of Attention


Raleigh, NC — Not satisfied with the attention of hundreds of bleary-eyed freshman in his 8:00 am Political Science 101 class, Professor Andrew Simmons has joined a growing number of UNC faculty by “making [his] voice heard” and “generally taking charge” at the Moral Mondays protests of the North Carolina General Assembly.

“It’s easy being the center of attention in a room full of students,” said Simmons, “but that’s not what being a professor is about. Being a professor is about being the center of attention wherever you are.”

Simmons explained that large, politically charged audiences and broad media coverage make Moral Mondays particularly attractive to attention-seeking professors such as himself. “Sometimes these civil rights things get picked up nationally,” he said, “so by bringing attention to myself here in Raleigh, I can make a difference in the number of people who care what I think not just around the state, but across the country.”

Many of Simmons’s colleagues have expressed a similar enthusiasm for foisting their histrionics on the demonstrations.

“I want people to listen to my opinion on every topic,” said Paul Gottfried, a professor of neuroscience at UNC’s school of medicine. “Having a PhD isn’t about being an expert in your field, it’s about proving that you’re smarter than everybody else. I’m tired of people only listening to me when I talk about science. I deserve better.”

As the protests have sustained momentum into the school year, an unprecedented number of faculty have commandeered the movement to feed their insatiable egos. Asked about the phenomenon, professor of sociology Jane Abrams explained that protests offer professors an opportunity to demand attention without “coming across as petulant children.”

“Behaviors that would seem whiney and self-serving in everyday life becomes noble and altruistic at a protest,” explained Abrams. “That’s why I’m going.”