The Weigh-In: Halloween

Halloween is today. What’s your take?

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“It’s not about the candy anymore.”

Christian Gilbirght, Global Studies, ’15

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“The Costume Parade the next morning is wonderful, with all the university students waking up early and walking from dorm to dorm in their spooky outfits. My kids love it.”

Catherine McKee, Mom

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“I’m going as a pumpkin.”

Thomas Phillips, Professor of History

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Junior Daily Tar Heel Columnist Knows How to Make America Great Again

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CHAPEL HILL, NC –Junior political science and history major Austin S. Simpson published his first column in The Daily Tar Heel on Wednesday and, in so doing, brought about a bold new era in American political thought.

“There are issues beyond whoever is screaming at you in Pit,” said the student who posts articles from the Wall Street Journal to Facebook after reading a few paragraphs and whose eloquence matches that of a young Lincoln. “And everyone from politicians to the most nondescript UNC freshmen needs to know about them.”

In his bi-weekly column, Simpson, the Prometheus of our age, will bestow his divinely inspired thoughts upon the nation, kindling in the breasts of his countrymen a courageous fire that will forge the resolve to restore the United States to its rightful glory.

“Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that Washington has been broken for a long time,” said the loser of multiple high school debate contests. “People need to tune in and demand solutions that actually work.”

Simpson, whose prior audience consisted of the 17 Facebook friends who had not blocked his posts, has been described as “audacious” and “always willing to state his opinion despite what others may think or say.”

With columns such as “Supply and Demand: The Real Golden Rule,” “Paraphrased Idea from One of My Readings for Class,” and “The Founding Fathers Would Be Rolling Over in Their Graves,” Simpson is expected to impart ideas capable of delivering the American spirit from the burdens of economic malaise, global conflict, and social strife, freeing it to soar to the heights of its heyday.

“While it might not pop up every day on your newsfeed or Instagram, politics matters,” said Simpson. “I only hope I can get people to start thinking again.”

DKE Constructs Vietnam War Party Memorial

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Photographs documenting the horrors of the Vietnam War party

Chapel Hill, NC —  Early this morning, Delta Kappa Epsilon pledges finished construction of a memorial to honor the victims of the Vietnam War party that the fraternity threw last weekend.

The monument will feature walls of black granite sunk into DKE’s front yard listing the names of those who fell leaving the party and those who are still missing in action.

“It comes back in flashes,” said Darren Mathers, a DKE brother, running his hand over the cold stone of the monument. “I felt like I was 100 miles deep in the jungle juice. I couldn’t think straight. The shots just kept coming.”

The memorial lies at the site of one of the Vietnam War party’s most harrowing scenes: men and women in rice paddy hats and traditional Southeast Asian garb sprawled across the lawn, blackout from a night of intense action. The event has come to be known as the Mai Tai massacre.

“Charlie was everywhere. In the trees, in the grass, everywhere. There wasn’t anywhere safe from one of his merciless bombings. None of the girls could take a picture of themselves wearing silk tunics and squinting their eyes without being photobombed by Charlie,” said Alex Martel of fraternity brother Charles Wright, Class of 2014.

Junior Walter Kurtz, once considered a rising star in the fraternity, bore testament to the crippling effects of the Vietnam War party. Unable to attend class or play pickup basketball because of the damage his body sustained during his three tours of duty at the bar, Kurtz did little more than stare at the foundation of the new memorial and whisper, “The horror, the horror.”

Some hope that the memorial can be a place of healing, not only for Vietnam War party veterans, but also for the Vietnamese people whose culture they violated.

“Not a day goes by that I do not feel remorse for what happened” said Vietnam War party veteran Thomas Caley and Social Chair at the time of the party. “I feel remorse for the Vietnamese whom we denigrated, for the American soldiers we made these young kids try to be, and for all the families involved. We were just kids, trying to lead a party. We didn’t know. I am so very sorry.”

Student Accepted into UNC College of Arts and Sciences upon Completion of Global Studies Major

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Chapel Hill, NC — In a letter Wednesday, student Brendan Lardner received acceptance into UNC’s College of Arts and Sciences for the fall of 2014, contingent upon completion of his Global Studies major this spring.

According to sources in the Office of Undergraduate Admissions, Lardner’s Global Studies curriculum–which includes an impressive breadth of introductory and pre-requisite courses–distinguishes him from a pool of some of the brightest applicants from around the nation.

“We are confident that [Lardner] is ready for the College of Arts and Sciences,” said Stephen Farmer, Vice Provost for Enrollment and Undergraduate Admissions. “His Global Studies major has given him a strong foundation for university-level coursework.”

Karen Gil, Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, described the “immense” opportunities that lie before Lardner as he prepares to take on serious academic disciplines such as chemistry, literature, mathematics, and philosophy.

“In the College of Arts and Sciences, [Lardner] will be challenged in ways that he has never been before,” Gil said. “He’ll be confronted with complex, meaningful ideas and asked to delve deeper into his chosen field of study. Hopefully his Global Studies major has provided him with the basic tools he’ll need to succeed.”

At press time, Management and Society major Brett Mangum received notice that he had been wait-listed by the College of Arts and Sciences.

Freshman Excited To Say “Fuck” In Poetry Class

CHAPEL HILL, NC –According to sources close to her, freshman Julie Tidwell has decided to casually say “fuck” during her next Introduction to Poetry class.

“I am beyond ecstatic for the opportunity,” said Tidwell. “It’s about freedom in that class. It’s about ideas and being real. And nothing is realer than saying ‘fuck.'”

The Creative Writing Department has responded positively to the rumors of the upcoming obscenity. Professor and Department Chair Dr. Francis Ninnybottom, commented enthusiastically, “At least we still have funding. If students want to curse, that’s fine. At least we still have funding.”

“I can’t believe she is going to curse in class,” said Tidwell’s friend and fellow freshman Skylar Levine. “College is so crazy!”

At press time, Tidwell was in fetal position on the 3rd floor of Davis Library, rocking back and forth in anticipation of her transgressive utterance.

“The Struggle is Real,” Agrees Homeless Man on Franklin Street

CHAPEL HILL, NC — En route to the library at 1:00 am, Alexis Pikeny, sophomore biology major, said to friend Noam Suttons, “the struggle is real.” Lying defeated on a bench near Ye Old Waffle Shop, homeless man George Phillips nodded his head in agreement.

“Too true,” thought the 63 year-old man who had not eaten a hot meal since Saturday, “I haven’t seen a friendly face in years, and I can’t remember what it feels like for someone to care whether I live or die. It’s a struggle.”

“I’ve gotten, like, one hour of sleep the past few days,” complained Pikeny, as he walked past Phillips with frozen yogurt in hand.

“I can’t tell the difference between sleep and waking anymore,” thought Phillips. “Concrete hurts and dreams of the war still haunt me. It was rougher in the jungles of ‘Nam, but at least I had someone by my side.”

As they walked past the man suffering from worsening malnutrition, Suttons and Pikney also discussed their many friends “riding the struggle bus.”

Phillips, who has slept with all his possessions laid in a circle around him for the past 17 years and actually rides the bus, could not agree more.

“Old Seymour, he’s probably got it worse than I do,” thought the man who is yelled at by drunk college students most nights. “At least my mind hasn’t gone and I haven’t started stealing. I’m still me. I’m still a man.”

As the students strode on, Pikeny quipped, “I’m just holding on until midterms are over,” to which Suttons responded with a laugh, “but finals are right around the corner.”

“The winter is worst of all,” Phillips thought. “Guess it’ll be the struggle bus for a little while longer for me.”

New Google+ Employee: “I Got a Job at Google”

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CHAPEL HILL, NC — Gleefully calling his mother after getting a job offer from Google+, Trevor Anderson, senior computer science major, exclaimed, “Mom, you won’t believe it: I got a job at Google! At Google!”

As an analytics expert for the social network, Anderson will be one of the many employees and few users of Google+.

“At Google, I’ll be working on the products that people use everyday,” said the man who will not be, because his job is with Google+. “I can not believe I have this opportunity to continue the life-changing work over at Google.”

After discovering later in the conversation that her son’s position is specifically with Google+, Sharon Anderson, Trevor’s mother, responded, “Oh, that seems different doesn’t it? You kind of got my hopes up, is all. Makes sense it was Google+ I guess.”

Expected to begin work this summer in the Google+ offices in Phoenix, Arizona, Anderson has begun sharing the good news with friends and family via Facebook.