CHAPEL HILL, NC — Earlier this week, the Department of Public Safety rolled out the latest version of the Alert Carolina Emergency Notification System. Sources report that the new system’s creators have imbued it with the ability to see into the future.
“This is a big step forward in crime prevention,” said Jeff McCracken, Director of Public Safety. “Alert Carolina’s transcendence of the temporal realm will help us keep campus safe.”
Two days ago, at 2:48 am, Alert Carolina awakened UNC students with its first clairvoyant message: “Also the dragon, earthborn, in craftiness and lust cometh behind thee.” Heeding the warning, police arrested Chapel Hill resident Jerry Dragon, 48, as he began to stalk a UNC sophomore on Franklin Street at 3:17 am.
Several of Alert Carolina’s new features are still in development. Early Thursday morning, administrators sent an email notifying faculty, staff, and students that a preliminary test of the system’s new ‘Siren Song’ will be conducted on Tuesday, October 8th at 12:00 pm. “Be sure to cover your ears,” the message read, “and do not fall for the temptations that will be broadcast throughout campus.”
Despite the upgraded system’s immense power, law enforcement officials and members of the campus community are still struggling to interpret its messages, which have taken on an air of grave mystery since Alert Carolina gained prescience. At press time, the notification–“Now your statues are standing and pouring sweat. They shiver with dread. The black blood drips from the highest rooftops. They have seen the necessity of evil.”–had prompted police to arrest every 18-35 year old black man in the Chapel Hill area on suspicion of indeterminate future crime.