A List You’ll Totally Click On: Your Friend Group’s 5 BEST Quotes of the Semester

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OMG, your friends are always saying these HILARIOUS things! Here are the 5 BEST from this semester.

1. “Susan, the peanut butter doesn’t go in that drawer!” – Trey

She was about to put the peanut butter in the drawer, with like her pencils. Susan. OMG. Classic. #TypicalSuze #ClassicTrey #Witty #Funny

2. “What are we, a bunch a MONKEYS!?” – Mike

We were all ROLLING on the floor when Mike said this. Laughing so hard. Can you believe he would say that? In public at Lenoir?! He was almost yelling!?!?! I bet other people were totally looking and were like, “why are they laughing?” They won’t understand because they aren’t #InTheGroup

3. “Well maybe she should have thought of that BEFORE she had sex with him.” – Rebecca

All I gotta say is #True. I was laughing TOO hard.

4. “Wait, wait, hold up, what?!” – Tim

Confused as always. Just pay attention! Omg, making me laugh just thinking back about it. #ConfusedTim 

5. “I’m just saying, when you think about it, most stereotypes aren’t made up, they come from somewhere.” – Mike

LOLZZZZZZZ. Omg, Mike’s actually such a racist.

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Exam Stress “Manageable,” Reports Sophomore Comm Major

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Heading back to his room after a few hours studying, Donovan Reftur, sophomore communications major, told reporters that, “all in all, [final exam] stress is pretty manageable.”

Reftur said that he is taking three communications and one political science course, which, while intellectually stimulating, will not cause him too much anxiety this exam week.

“I mean, it’s not that bad. I mainly just have to study a little bit every day and I think it will be fine,” he said.

Reftur has always been adept at managing the pressures of school, according to sources close to him.

“Donovan is usually always down to hang out, even during midterms or finals, when I feel really bogged down. He’ll want to play FIFA or just talk,” said suitemate Kyle Tuyger, sophomore chemistry major. “When I think about it, I’ve never really seen him pull an all-nighter or anything. I think once he had two 5-page papers due on the same day. That was kind of rough.”

Reftur, who holds a 3.86 GPA, said that he usually understands what his classes are about and does not get terribly stressed out come exam time.

“Usually my classes aren’t focused on memorization,” he said. “I go to class and talk a lot–usually participation is a good bit of the grade–and I’m not a bad writer. Getting good grades is just not really that hard for me, I guess, so finals don’t bug me out or anything.”

At press time, Reftur said that he planned to “just take a study break this whole afternoon,” and watch a movie before getting ready for his Friday final.

Pre-Med Student Would Kill To Set Curve

CHAPEL HILL, NC – Pouring over class notes and practice tests in a seventh consecutive hour of studying for her organic chemistry final, junior pre-med student Carly Futheridge said that she would “kill to set the curve.”

“I’d do anything to get the top score,” she muttered. “Anything.”

“Med schools only want A students,” she said staring through her notebook into a middle distance, her face expressionless. “None of this matters without an A. Have to get everything A. The curve. Only A students. A student. Anything.”

UPDATE: Pre-Med Student Kills to Set Curve

Multiple sources are confirming that, at approximately 5:18 pm today, pre-med student Carly Futheridge murdered UNC sophomore Arjun Kapoor, the top student in her organic chemistry class. Kapoor, who friends and professors say aspired to a career in academic research, was found dead in his bed in Morrison Dormitory, apparently smothered to death by Futheridge, who crept into his unlocked dorm room while he was taking a nap.

Several witnesses described a person matching Futheridge’s description fleeing the scene of the crime toward Davis Library. Following the witnesses’ tips, campus police apprehended Futheridge in a Davis 5th floor cubicle at approximately 6:07 pm.

Futheridge violently resisted arrest, screaming and lunging toward the textbook and notes that lay on her desk as police dragged her away, screaming that she “need[ed] them.”

A List You’ll Totally Click On: 8 Tips for SURVIVING Finals Week

We all know that finals week can be ROUGH! But how do you make it through?! We’ve got some tips.

1. Be prepared

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If you know you’re going to be in an area where finals are common, take some basic precautions. Clean up thoroughly after meals and suspend your food from a high tree branch overnight to avoid attracting finals to your location. Make lots of noise while you travel and stay away from the places where finals are most likely to live, such as caves and hollow logs. The best way to survive finals is to never come face-to-face with them in the first place.

2. Don’t make any sudden movements

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If finals have spotted you, remain calm. Speak to finals in a low, steady voice as you slowly raise your arms above your head. You want to appear as large as you can to finals. Remember that finals are likely just as afraid of you as you are of them.

3. Slowly back away

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Remain facing finals, and slowly back in the direction that you came from. Don’t cross the path of finals, and DO NOT come between finals and a cub. Remember that this is finals’ territory, not yours. 

4. Don’t run

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Aside from getting out your camera or trying to offer finals a snack, the worst thing you could do is run. Finals can run faster than humans and they enjoy chasing prey.

5. Stay on the ground

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Resist the instinct to scamper up a tree. Not all types of finals can climb trees, but those that can are excellent at it. In a tree, you’ll be trapped.

6. Play dead

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If finals charge you, fall into the fetal position and play dead. Even if this does not completely deter finals, at least it will protect your vital organs. Hopefully, finals will sniff you, growl, and leave. Don’t make any noise even if finals paw at you, and don’t run until you’re sure finals have left. 

7. Take your shot

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If you do have a gun, a finals charge may be the time to use it. Make sure you get off a clean shot. A non-lethal wound will only make finals angrier. It takes more than one shot to fell most finals. Shooting should be your last resort–wrongful killing of finals in the United States comes with penalties of up to $20,000.

8. Fight for all you’re worth

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If you can’t deter finals’ charge, you’re in for the fight of your life. Try to stun finals by hitting the nose or jabbing the eyes. Kick, scream, punch, and cling to life however you can. You can lose a limb to finals and still survive if help is near enough. 

Come In, Come In! I’ve Missed You…

By Davis Library | The Minor

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Oh goodness, welcome back!

It’s so nice to see you! You’ve gotten so big. Look at you.

Give me a hug. You’re not too big to hug your library. Come here.

You haven’t been out drinking have you? I’m just joking, don’t give me that look. Don’t be embarrassed of your library–I raised you. I’m the one who taught you how to study while the UL was busy trying to be your friend.

Well, we don’t have to talk about the UL.

I’ve missed you so much. This big old library can get lonely when only a few of my students come and see me. I really wish you’d visit more. I’m always here for you. I’ve always been here for you.

You only seem to come when you need me now-a-days.

Anyways.

I made you treats! There are a bunch of books over there.

The UL tells me you have a girlfriend now! How did I not know? He seems to know everything about you. I guess you’d usually rather visit the “fun” library, the one that has a fancy multimedia center and lets you stay up late when you visit, but where is he when you have a final the next day? Full.

I’m sorry. I said I wouldn’t talk about him.

You know I’m only right down the road, though. You could try to keep in touch. When you come back only for finals, it hurts me. I think about you everyday.

Are you too old for me, now? Too cool for me now that you’ve got all these friends?

No, don’t leave. Don’t leave. I just want you to come back more often. That’s not so much to ask. I missed you. You can come study for finals. Here, I’ve kept a desk for you right over here.

I love you, honey.

Seriously Though, Are We Rushing Franklin?

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by UNC Senior | The Minor

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Wooo! Fuck yeah! 79-65, UNC baby! We just beat the number one team in the nation on their home court! That just happened. Michigan State can suck it!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! TAR… TAR… TAR… Up here, man! Fuck yeah, c’mon everybody!

Seriously though, are we rushing Franklin?

I mean, this is a big fucking deal, right? They were number one, and we’re unranked. When unranked teams beat number one teams on their home floor, it’s a big fucking deal.

I know we’re always supposed to be good, but this is a huge upset. I’m not saying we suck—well we have sort of been sucking this year—but, all things considered, this was a big, big game that we weren’t expected to win and we won.

It’s time to go crazy! I mean, what are we supposed to do?

When was the last win we had that was bigger than this? Really? Look, I’ve been here for almost four years now, and the only time we rushed Franklin was over spring break when none of us were here. I want to do it. We might not get a better chance than this. No, I mean, I do think we can beat Duke, but let’s enjoy this win for all it’s worth. C’mon guys!

Of course everyone is going to do it. I can hear a few people outside now. It’s LDOC, people are ready to go nuts anyway. If we lead, they’ll follow. Let’s go!

Oh alright, well if she’s driving. Shotgun, I guess. This is still fun. Yeah. Franklin.

The Weigh-In: LDOC

It’s the last day of classes. What’s your take?

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“Let’s start a fire. Turn the fuck up.”

Bud Fishington, Peace, War and Defense, ’15

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“In this economic climate, the university is delusional if it thinks it can sustain two LDOCs per year. We must reduce to one. It’s time to stop kicking the can down the road.”

Art Pope, State Budget Director

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“Finally, I can fuck my students.”

Theodore Glover, Professor of Psychology