Chapel Hill, NC – In a last ditch attempt to reclaim first place in Sigma Chi’s Derby Daze competition, the UNC chapter of the Phi Mu sorority made a ritual sacrifice of virgin pledge Abigail Richmond on the front lawn of the Sigma Chi house Thursday evening.
Derby Daze, the yearly competition in which sororities vie for the affection of Sigma Chi brothers through a series of contests, has been the cornerstone of Phi Mu’s social reputation for years. The sorority won the competition in 2011 and 2012.
“A non-three-peat would be devastating,” said Phi Mu president Marissa Simmons.
After a loss to Zeta Tau Alpha in the “Hashtags on Facebook Hoe-Down” and close second to Tri Delta in the famous “Long Shirt, Nike Shorts Fashion Show”, sources close to Phi Mu reported the girls were “freaking the fuck out” after having fallen to third place in the Derby Daze standings.
Still, things didn’t get “really desperate” until the chapter lost Thursday night’s baking competition to Kappa Kappa Gamma, reported Kelly Cooper, a sister at Phi Mu. Cooper noted that Anna Fields, the baker of the less than stellar chocolate chip cookies, will attend a Phi Mu Standards Council meeting next Wednesday, where her continued association with the sorority will be evaluated.
After an emergency discussion by the Phi Mu executive committee, sisters moved in solemn procession under torch light to Fraternity Court. “Lo in the dark and tempestuous hour, wicked fate must be sated with pure blood,” said Simmons as the sisters prepared their sacrifice. “Let’s see those Tri Delt bitches top this.”
The decision to sacrifice a virgin reflects the unusually dire position in which Phi Mu found itself in this year’s competition. Phi Mu has not resorted to such action since 2004, when, according to Phi Mu alum Jessica Parks, the sorority “just really wanted to mix with DKE.”
Brothers at Sigma Chi described the sacrifice as “ballsy” and “chill as hell.”
“We know we’re not Beta, so it feels good that at least one sorority is willing to sacrifice a virgin to us,” said Sigma Chi president Chad Erikson.
Sigma Chi released an updated Derby Daze ranking in the hours after the sacrifice. Phi Mu had moved into second place.
The Minor 
Lol this entire article is histerical because literally none of it is true. Marissa is not the president, KKG did not win the desert competition and other names listed are not real members of phi mu. This whole website is a joke. Find something better to do than make up bullshit about sororities.
#histerical
Yeah get your facts straight, Minor. We want the truth! Who won the baking comp??
This article is actually hilarious…do you even know what you’re talking about?
Guys, I think that’s kind of the point. It’s called “satire” for a reason.
This shit is hYsterical. What makes the overall experience even more rewarding are the rebuttals addressing (deliberately erroneous) name inaccuracies and sorority winners in an article about sacrificing the life of a virgin pledge for fuck’s sake. Of course none of it is true
Major lolz at all of the commenters who took this article seriously. Were y’all trolling?
They’d like to pretend so, but no
Absolutely hilarious. And I love the fact that Nicole was so offended. HA!
Noone was offended about anything, noone ever believed anything about this article. Read a book.
Right, thus the quote “find something better to do than making up bullshit about sororities” .. oh, and get over yourself, I’ve read plenty of books. nothing wrong with some satirical amusement.