Middle Schooler Completes Big Final Book Report in UL

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Chapel Hill, NC—Local Phillips Middle School student Zackary Sims has been working on his language arts book report, based on The Giver, in the UL during the last couple days.

“Ms. Applebaum says we’re supposed to actually read it,” said Sims. “That’s dumb.”

“The only thing I read are girls’ minds, am I right?” he added, flipping his shoulder-length blonde hair and nudging the arm of the clearly uncomfortable young woman sitting next to him.

Sims, perhaps better known to the world by his gamertag of zackattack69, has been using the UL for book reports since early September.

“The UL is the best place for kids like me–all the adult losers go to real libraries,” said Sims.

Sims said that he also enjoys the collegiate atmosphere.

“Girls have boobs here, I like that,” Sims said, pointing across the room at a woman’s chest. “Like the ones you see in American Pie, bro.”

Sims describes himself as a typical 11 year-old, who enjoys his classes and has a thriving extracurricular life.

“My favorite class? Definitely social studies,” said Sims. “They have some nice desks in there, and you can pop a boner all day long without anyone seeing. David Walters and I compete; my record’s thirty minutes fully torqued.”

Sims presence in the library has not been well-received by all.

“He’s been chewing Big League Chew for the last two hours and spitting it into a Mountain Dew bottle,” said sophomore Josh Paulson. “I’m not sure he knows how Big League Chew works.”

Some complaints have been more serious, especially from young women.

“He was looking for The Giver,” said junior and UL employee Caitlin Parsons, “but he was staring at my chest the entire time. I don’t think we made eye contact once during the whole conversation.”

As Sims was beginning to pack up his things for the day, his thoughts were already on the summer ahead.

“I’m hoping to avoid a dry summer, if you know what I mean,” said Sims, adjusting his new Oakley sunglasses. “Tammy Watkins is supposed to be wearing a bikini at David’s pool party next week and we’ve been texting. It’ll be a true test of boner concealment.”

Sims scurried out of the UL, flashing the peace sign as he headed for his mom’s Honda Odyssey, after a day working harder than most at the Undergraduate Library.

As the van pulled away, Sims’ mother was chastising him for wearing the same graphic tee three times this week and suggested that maybe they should go back to Kohl’s soon to restock.

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My First and Last Day as the Chi Psi Kangaroo

by the Chi Psi Kangaroo | The Minor

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I guess I always knew this day would come. For the last six months, I’ve been telling my parents that I got a job working at the North Carolina Zoo in Asheboro, a 500-acre enclosure with plenty of grass and room to roam—a real respectable place. I remember the look on my mom’s face when I first told her the news. She was so proud of her little Jill.

But the truth was I hadn’t been accepted to Asheboro, or Charlotte either. I didn’t get accepted anywhere. At that point, I knew that I couldn’t just go back to living at home—there’s no way we would’ve had enough food for me and my sisters—and North Carolina is no place for a broke, unemployed Jill. So I did what I could. I started working petting zoos, birthday parties, anything I could find. I didn’t make much, but I was alive. I was making it.

One day, a friend of mine brought me along to a gig at the Sig Ep house over at the University of South Carolina. All I had to do, she told me, was jump around on a stage for ten minutes every two hours and maybe do some kicks, nothing too crazy. As it turned out, I made more money that night than I had in my entire life.

After that, fraternity parties became my business: cocktails, beach bashes, jungle nights, you name it. I was there, kicking big blow-up dolls, hopping over stacks of beer cans, the whole nine yards. I only had two rules: No touching, no pictures. Simple enough. The brothers needed entertainment and I needed money to reapply to zoos next year and, as long as the guys kept their hands to themselves, we all got what we wanted.

But then things started to change. One night, over at ECU, a group of brothers decided they wanted to have a competition to see who could shoot a ping ball into my pouch the fastest. It took two hours. Another night, at the Delta Tau Delta house at the University of Richmond, a group of girls made me put on a red jumpsuit and started screaming, “KANGAROO JACK! KANGAROO JACK!”

It was demeaning, and a total misappropriation of an American kangaroo icon.

After that, I decided I was done with fraternity parties for a while. Or at least I thought so. A few days later, I got a call about a huge gig at the Chi Psi fraternity house at the University of North Carolina. They were going to pay me twice what I had made in Richmond and, as a bonus, they said they would throw in some Bahia Grass for me to eat. I got a call from my parents that night, too, just to see how I was doing. I told them I was fine, that the zoo was fine. I hated lying, but I knew I still needed the money. I called Chi Psi back and told them I would do the party.

At this point, it’s worth making something clear: If you’re down on your luck and you feel like you need to hop and kick to make some money, there is nothing wrong with that, but you should never let someone disrespect you. I emailed Chi Psi weeks in advance to tell them my rules: No touching, no pictures. But when I showed up for their “Last Day of Classes Party,” three brothers scooped me up and started passing me from girl to girl, taking my picture with each one. “Look at the little Joey-oey-oey,” they all squeaked. “He’s such a cutie.”

I’m a Jill, a god damn Jill. I’ve never felt so disrespected in my life.

Needless to say, my parents saw the pictures on Facebook—every other profile picture online had me in it. I’m living at home again and my family is still coming to terms with everything one day at a time. I, on the other hand, finally feel like I know what I need to do. The fact that, even in 2014, a kangaroo can’t work at an LDOC party without being harassed is appalling, and I for one will not be a part of it. We need to wake up. This culture we live in, where men and women treat kangaroos like pin-up playthings and pets, has got to change. Next time you go to a fraternity house and you see a Jill, try opening your eyes, rather than trying to open her pouch.

The Weigh-In: Finals Schedules

Around campus, everyone is talking about how their exam schedules are looking. What’s your take?

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“Yeah, mine’s pretty rough. I’m gonna be up all night and then sleep until noon so, you know, I can say I was up all night.”

Trenton Batchwood, Biology, ’17

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“I had orgo this morning at 8:00 am, then I have Econ 101 tomorrow afternoon, genetics, Policy 101, and intro to comp sci all on Wednesday, an English paper due on Thursday, a drama final on Friday morning, but that should be easy, then Busi 101 after that, an anthropology final, two more English papers and a creative writing final due Saturday, a marine science take-home due Sunday, and physics, Poli 150, calc II, Psych 101, Comm 400, Econ 410, and analytical chemistry on Monday, but then I’m done. What about you?”

Wilma Stackhouse, Pre-Health, ’16

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“Must be why everyone been sayin’ they too busy to see the dead body I gots behind TRU. That’s alright. It ain’t going nowhere.”

Lonnie McGraw, Vagabond

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“I live an intense, work-hard, play-hard lifestyle, but whether I’m grinding it out in the library or at the skatepark, I know I can count on the kickass flavor of Mountain Dew Kickstart to tune in and rock out. Mountain Dew Kickstart: Kickstart Your Day™.”

Chad Nitro, EXSS, ’15

Underwhelming Season Finale of POLI150 Leaves Various Loose Ends Unresolved

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Chapel Hill, NC–Students enrolled in Professor Thomas Oatley’s  POLI150 class on International Politics walked away from the final lecture with many unanswered questions, disappointed by the course’s conclusion.

“I felt like this class was building towards some kind of epic finale,” said sophomore business major Manny Lovell. “Now I feel like this class was writing a lot of checks it couldn’t cash. What ever happened to the two hegemons that would possibly battle? I feel like that was a major plot hole.”

Other students felt similar to Lovell, hoping for clearer resolutions to many of the class’s looming questions.

“On day one, Professor Oatley promised that this class would enable us to more easily identify the ideological divides between different diaspora cultures,” said freshman political science major Todd Cropper. “To be honest, I still don’t know what the hell that means.”

Many students in the class had joined later in the semester because of their peers’ recommendations and because of Professor Oatley’s reputation on campus as an unpredictable and exhilarating lecturer.

“My friend Sarah told me that I should totally check out POLI150 if only to see Professor Oatley in action,” said junior history major Aaron Carpenter. “But towards week six he just totally hit a lull. I’m glad this course ended before he started bringing in random guest speakers or something to boost attendance. It seems like he already moved on to his projects on the politics of space exploration.”

Despite lowered expectations as the course continued, many students remained hopeful that the final lecture would tie things up, or at least shed light on the mysterious personal life of their professor.

“He was always making strange allusions to his time in the Ukraine,” said freshman journalism major Kaiden Davies. “But in the last lecture, he didn’t even bring it up. What happened to Viktoriya? Did Dmytro ever find out about the affair? I guess we’ll never know.”

“Dammit,” he added. “I was way too invested in that shit.”

Because of overwhelmingly mediocre reviews of the course and its conclusion, Oatley’s POLI150 class will only be offered online next semester. However, Oatley’s legacy continues to thrive at UNC within an extensive underground network of fan art and fiction, both of which seek to explore the inner workings of Viktoriya and Dmytro’s precarious relationship.

Econ Group Project on Free Rider Problem Going Nowhere

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 CHAPEL HILL, NC – With less than 36 hours to go until their final project is due, Kelly Grubnose, Kumar Ramanujan, Skyler Laffley, and Ashley Barliman had still not completed their Economics 101 final project. With the project, the group chose to explore the concept of the free rider problem–which describes the situation where individuals pay less than their fair share of the cost of a common resource when obligations are ill-defined–but members have thus far been slow to contribute to the effort.

“Yeah, I have, like, a solid B+ so it won’t change my grade – as long as it gets done,” said project leader Barliman.

The outcome has a bigger impact on other individuals, however.

“I really need this project to go well,” Ramanujan said. Asked why he was not doing more work to that end, he defended his contributions.

 “[We have] been meeting in my room for the past few weeks and everyone has been playing my Fifa,” Ramanujan said, “so I feel like I’ve contributed my fair share already. Stop using Barcelona, Kelly, you’re an asshole.”

The group is set for disaster on its free rider problem project unless some individuals voluntarily create the infrastructure needed to carry the work to completion. Even so, the collaboration has yet to move past a ‘Notes/Ideas’ Google Doc that Barliman emailed to the others the day that the group was formed.

Just before press time, Econ 101 lecturer Rita Balaban warned the group that the free rider problem project was “not too big to fail,” but was reluctant to offer incentives for individuals to take action.

Sorry to Be “That Guy,” But PLEASE Fill Out My Survey

Guys, sorry to be “that guy,” but I really need some people to fill out this survey, guys. It will only take 15 seconds!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take it.

It’s for my English 105i class–I really need people to fill it out. I would totally do the same for you. We have a paper due on Friday and we NEED research. Everything will be fine if you do it right now, but please do it right now, or I am going to not get this done. Like RIGHT NOW, if you can. We really fell behind, but you have to do this for us–we are depending on you.

All the questions are completely anonymous and it would really help me out :).

Come on guys, just fill it out.

Thanks guys! This is gonna be SUPER helpful to my research!

 

At Lunch after Easter Church Service, Dad Would Have Liked to Know Exactly What Carolina Coffee Shop Employees Found So Funny

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RALEIGH, NC – Getting lunch with his wife and two daughters after an 11:00 am Easter service at Holy Trinity Lutheran Church on April 20th, dad Gene Ostergaard said that he would like to know exactly what the employees of Carolina Coffee Shop found so funny during his visit to the eatery.

“They were laughing the whole darn time,” Ostergaard reported, “acting like a bunch of clowns on Easter. This is the day of the Lord, not the time for shenanigans–giggling at every darn thing that happened.”

It started when Ostergaard’s waiter, 25 year-old Ryan Howser, asked the man and his family “What would you…um…like? What do you like?” his eyes drooping and red.

“Nice suit, man. It’s colorful,” Howser added, rolling into a slow giggle that lasted for the rest of the ordering process.

Ostergaard’s wife, Karen, insisted that she wanted extra oregano on her club sandwich, prompting Howser to stifle a laugh in his nose, and causing the bartender to loudly cackle for several seconds.

“I wonder what the big joke back there is,” said Ostergaard as he and his family ate their sandwiches after Howser took more than 30 minutes to bring out their order.

Ostergaard’s wife shrugged and his daughter Megan, a sophomore at UNC, avoided eye contact.