Breaking: Duke University Relocates Muslim Call to Prayer to Guantanamo Bay

guantanamo chapel

DURHAM, NC—After announcing earlier this week that Duke’s Chapel would host its first-ever Muslim call to prayer, administrators made the decision to relocate the prayer to the Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp.

“The original decision to host the call to prayer in Duke’s Chapel was intended to unify the student body,” said Michael J. Schoenfeld, Duke’s Vice President of Public Affairs. “But it was not having the intended effect. We think Guantanamo is a place where everyone can feel comfortable with hearing the prayer. And this way, all the regular people on Duke’s campus can keep enjoying the Chapel the way it’s always been.”

Denying allegations that the administration’s change of heart arose after various Christian donors threatened to freeze their funding, Schoenfeld reasserted Duke’s commitment to equality and its students’ freedom of expression.

“There is a place for everyone in our democracy,” he said. “And the place for Islamic people is Guantanamo Bay. No administrators will impede students who want to go to Guantanamo to experience this beautiful tradition in the Islamic faith.”

Around Duke’s campus, students weighed in on the issue.

“This is clearly an affront to the freedom of religion enjoyed by so many diverse populations on Duke’s campus,” said sophomore Katherine Wiedman. “I had hopes the prayer at the chapel would make Duke a more welcoming place for everyone and underscore the principles of love that our religions hold in common.”

Other students’ opinions differed.

“Fuck ISIS,” said fraternity president Jeremy Kaplan.

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