Smoke Blown Up Rich Old Donor’s Ass


CHAPEL HILL, NC — Thursday evening, The Center for the Study of the American South honored philanthropist and UNC professor emeritus Dr. Roland Everest with a ceremony that culminated in the Interim Director of the center blowing smoke up Dr. Everest’s ass.

The event, which took place in the Peebles Dining Room of the Carolina Club, celebrated Dr. Everest’s recent donation of $1.2 million, which will fund various symposia in the Southern Oral History Program. In attendance were a number of professors and distinguished community members.

After an introductory speech by Associate Director Patrick Horn, Everest made his way to the podium while Interim Director Kenneth Jankin prepared the bellows, drawing smoke into them from a small, portable wood stove.

“Friends, faculty, colleagues,” he began, as Everest placed his elbows on the podium, arching his back to allow Jankin to position the bellows behind him, “I’m delighted today to honor a man who has given The Center for the Study of the American South not only a wonderful gift, but also a remarkable vision.”

Jankin then vigorously pumped smoke up Everest’s ass for the next five minutes.

When Jankin finished, Everest gave a polite nod and thanked the crowd.

“I am humbled by this honor,” the philanthropist said as he pulled up his pants. “The Southern Studies Department has always held a special place in my heart.”

After the ceremony, Everest took time to speak with friends and reporters, offering thoughts on the ceremony and his donation. “Having smoke blown up my ass felt good,” he said, “but giving back to an institution I truly care about is what will give me lasting satisfaction.”

Guests lauded Everest and spoke glowingly of the smoke-blowing.

“This was a fitting honor,” said Terry Rhodes, Senior Associate Dean for Fine Arts and Humanities. “The University is grateful for Dr. Everest’s generosity and will certainly continue to blow smoke up his ass.”

Everest’s donation, along with a $2 million gift from noted alumna Susan Barnes-Chuzlick, will ensure that the center will continue to help students pursue their interests in the American South. Barnes-Chuzlick will have her dick sucked in an honorary ceremony next week.

The Tune-In: Reviewing The Third Invasion: Palestinian Noise-Pop-Folk Trios Currently Working in the Bay Area

By Road Zimmerman | The Minor


Polyvisual Records’ new release, The Third Invasion, is a compilation tape featuring the quintessential work of Palestinian Noise-Pop-Folk trios currently working in and around the San Francisco Bay Area. A bootleg, the record was compiled from other previous commercial releases, and the result is a new artistic endeavor that points toward the true definition of this scene. As always on The Tune-In, I’ll go through the project song-by-song, providing the context that makes this music listenable.

Track #1) “MI$$LES” by The Humeadore’s Revenge (SILENT BUSHES RECORDS)

Famous for their previous work with the noise that occurs during blood transfusions, The Humeadore’s Revenge (known more commonly as HR), embody Palestinian N-P-F Bay Area flavor with their live-animal performance of “MI$$LES.” Recorded using exclusively goats and goat sub-breeds, “MI$$LES” is a dynamic opening track that shows the punch these artists can deliver.

Track #2) “The Smithfield Papers” by Introversion (DUCK’S BILL RECORDINGS)

Once Introversion was signed by Duck’s Bill, it seemed obvious they’d follow in the line of greats like Mozaques. But I don’t think anyone was prepared for this track. Known for their utilization of phone jacks ripped out of foreclosed homes, Introversion has a sound that embodies the unspeakable pain so many Palestinians have escaped and a lucky few listeners must now endure.

Track #3) “Gaza” by ESPN Anchor Bill Seward’s Haircut (BLIND KANGAROOS)

A powerful sonic display, ESPN Anchor Bill Seward’s Haircut (known in some circles as Seward’s Cut) has long been on the list of bands to watch in this scene. Using old Powerade bottles, exclusively those for the fruit punch flavor, they create a wonderland of sounds by cutting, hitting, throwing, licking, and defiling the bottles. Though their past work was less thoughtful and involved the use of a guitar, Seward’s Cut has evolved to create, in “Gaza,” a political protest song so potent that the Palestinian government considered banning it, “to protect the people from that noise.” You know you are doing something right when a government tries to ban you.

Track #4) “Lorde, I’m Coming” by The Dante Quartet (PEACH)

The Dante Quartet, taking its name from a series of Brakhage films, sits atop this scene. They’ve been the critics’ darlings for years, and today they are by far the most popular act working. With songs like “Lorde, I’m Coming” they have brought unprecedented commercial success to Palestinian N-P-F Bay Area scene, selling 14 albums, including 10 to college radio stations. Only time will tell if they can maintain the faint, almost inaudibly high-pitched sound that carried them to the top.

Track #5) “PUSSYSHITFUCKBALLS” by L***** (rhymes w/coyote) (ORPHAN MOTHER)

Known for their stance of not “doing shows” or “putting out music,” L**** has taken their artistry to a new level with “PUSSYSHITFUCKBALLS.” For its commercial release, the group recorded over the actual track with an audio file of a 2008 Access Hollywood interview with Nicholas Cage. The interview stands in place of what “PUSSYSHITFUCKBALLS” could be–it could be the song that defines a generation.

Road Zimmerman hosts the “Is This Music? Hour: Wider Sounds” on WXYC from 6:00 pm to 7:00 pm on Thursdays and is an avid reader of Cellar Door.

Election 2014: Groups of Smiling, Well-Dressed, Multi-Cultural Friends Cluster Around Campus to Make a Difference

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CHAPEL HILL, NC–Saying that they intend to “advocate for change” and “address the most pressing issues faced by the University community,” smiling, well-dressed students from all walks of life squeezed close together all around campus this week to make a difference.

“In the 21st century, Carolina is facing big challenges,” said one young man, whose khakis-clad thighs were pressed tight against those of his diverse peers, his face a vision of progress. “By smiling side-by-side in public, we’re doing everything we can to address them.”

Clusters of convivial, high-minded young adults have appeared everywhere from in front of the Old Well to the steps of the South Building, to the exact center of the Pit. Around the state, policymakers have started to take notice.

“I’ve been working to make UNC less accessible, less safe, and less academically excellent,” said Thom Tillis, Speaker of the NC House of Representatives, “but with so many emboldened, multi-cultural clumps of students cropping up in picturesque spots around Chapel Hill, well… maybe I have another thing coming.”

Many in the UNC-CH community expressed support of the tastefully attired, heterogeneous bands of youths.

“These students get what activism and advocacy are all about,” said UNC political science professor Sonya Tichwell. “As long as they keep congregating outside with their heads held high, it’s hard to imagine that they won’t succeed.”

Though the energetic, well groomed members of each gathering expressed preference for their own spunky bunch over others, all seemed united in their resolve to make Carolina great by standing next to each other in just the right natural light.

“We’re here to create a more engaging, more positive learning environment for all students at UNC,” one Carolina blue-wearing young woman said, her eyes twinkling with the same hope and confidence that shone in those of the 40 like-minded peers surrounding her. “We’re willing to put our arms around each other and smile as long as it takes to make our vision a reality.”

The haggard, grimacing student body president and his anxiety-ridden executive cabinet, clustered together in their offices, were unavailable for comment.

Life’s Work Skimmed


CHAPEL HILL, NC — Hurriedly preparing for his 2:00 pm political science class, Trevor Shipman, sophomore public policy major, skimmed the life’s work of 97 year-old Carl Vague, Professor Emeritus of Political Science at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

Approximately an hour before his afternoon class began, Shipman logged into Sakai and pulled up a PDF of Vague’s How We Vote: A Global Perspective on the Ethics and Politics of Democratic Institutions. Eating a Chick-fil-a sandwich, he spent the next 40 minutes “kind of skipping around and reading the conclusions of a few sections” in the book that embodies ideas Vague dedicated the most productive years of his life to advancing.

“I just tried to highlight the stuff that, I don’t know, seemed important,” said Shipman of his approach to studying the work that was birthed from innumerable late nights in a library, which Vague spent thinking endlessly about the minutiae of voting rights, isolated from his family and few friends.

Shipman was assigned to read the 30-page introduction of the life’s work, which he described as “kind of a lot.”

Facebook chatting with a classmate as he skimmed, Shipman described his reading as, “sort of boring,” and, “hopefully not really anything that we could be quizzed on.” He advised the friend, “to just glance through” the preface of what Vague considers the most significant thing that he did with his time on earth, the most meaningful fruit of his conscious mind, and the greatest hope that his toil and sacrifice led to a small betterment of the human condition.

In class, Shipman called the work “pretty interesting.”

Shipman is expected to skim, browse, and glance over 250 lives’ works by the time of his graduation.

Election 2014: The Student Body President Candidates

As election season heats up, The Minor will have all the coverage as it breaks. Our Senior Intrepid Political Reporters,  Carly Burns and Bobbi Wood, are on the pulse of the story, with constant news updates on the politics shaping our campus.

Bobbi Wood and Carly Burns | The Minor

A few surprises this year, but not many, as student body president hopefuls are in the heat of gathering signatures. Most of us have known since Nikita’s sophomore year surge to the student government exec. board that’d she’d be the big hitter in this race. Emilio, the nominee from the Campus Y, has a strong base, but this race will test his ability to reach out across campus. Andrew Powell, who the wire had bowing out supporting Nikita earlier this semester, is right in the thick of things. Some wondered whether he had the chops, or would just slither away to some education nonprofit. Other contenders have a chance, but need to gain ground after starting slow by not planning every social interaction around running for SBP from the moment they entered Carolina. Here’s the need-to-know information about all the candidates.

Nikita Shamdasani


Strengths: Experienced in student government, Morehead-Cain scholar, Illuminati

Weaknesses: Many will write her off as a classic three B’er: bland, boring and bureaucratic

Key Platform Issue: With a partially crowdsourced platform, Nikita is already showing she understands a crucial facet of the SBP’s position: letting other people do all the work

Nickname: “The Scorpion”

Andrew Powell


Strengths: Experienced in student government, Morehead-Cain scholar, has catchiest theme song

Weaknesses: Some worry that Powell’s Catholicism could influence him to lead with the humility and kindness of Pope Francis

Key Platform Issue: Education reform fetish

Nickname: “Will Lindsey”

Blind Lemon Jefferson


Strengths: Father of the Texas Blues, known for his high soulful voice and unique guitar playing

Weaknesses: Got two white horses followin’ him, down to the river, lord

Key Platform Issue: Got a mad dog sergeant, honey, and he won’t knock off

Nickname: “Lightnin’ Hopkins Sr.”

Emilio Vicente


Strengths: Social justice

Weaknesses: Legal justice

Key Platform Issue: Amending Article V Section 4 of the Student Government Bylaws to require 15%, rather than 10%, of the Student Body to call for a ballot on any act of Student Congress through ballot measures

Nickname: “E-Trade Baby”

John Kerry


Strengths: Experience in legislative and executive branches of federal government, knowledge of international conflicts

Weaknesses: Tough loss in 2004 presidential election, has flip-flopped on issues in the past

Key Platform Issue: Dining fees

Nickname: “Sweetwater”

Winston Howes


Strengths: ConnectCarolina 2.0

Weaknesses: ConnectCarolina 2.0

Key Platform Issue: ConnectCarolina 2.0

Nickname: ConnectCarolina 2.0

Traffic Cone


Strengths: High visibility on campus

Weaknesses: Known to be a pushover when nudged

Key Platform Issue: Safety

Nickname: “Ol’ Kinderhook”

Manoj Mirchandani


Strengths: Getting to hear his name mentioned in election coverage

Weaknesses: Loves too fully, too deep

Key Platform Issue: Endorsing Nikita or Andrew next week

Nickname: “Big Schwasty”

Megan’s Profile Picture


Strengths: MEYOWWWWWW, girl GET it

Weaknesses: Ew, i’m lookin rough

Key Platform Issue: Faves, ow ow, i luv u so much

Nickname: “****#1flybitch****”

The Double Take: Where Should We Eat?


Where Do You Want to Go Eat? by James Asterdon

Where should we go to eat today?

We could go anywhere, I don’t really care. I don’t want to decide. How about you pick?

It’s really up to you. I’d be okay with almost anything. I just don’t want to have to pick where we’re going to go. You pick. I’d really be okay with anything.

Like anything: Indian, Thai, American. We could go anywhere. We can go to Franklin or drive farther away, I don’t have that much work tonight.

We can go to Lenoir even. I don’t even have a meal plan but I’d pay for it. I don’t care. How about you just decide where we are going to go. I really don’t want to decide. You decide.


No, You Pick Where to Eat by Rebecca Tuck

No, babe, you pick where to eat. I don’t know where I want to eat. Can’t you just decide? I could literally go anywhere.

I’d be okay with going to Carborro or even driving to Durham, I’m wide open for lunch. I can do whatever. Let’s go where you want to go.

We always go where I want to go. I care about you, and I want to go where you want to go. You pick. I really don’t care. You know I don’t care, so you just pick.

Like I said, I could go anywhere. Literally. Just pick.


Just Pick by James Asterdon

Seriously, just pick. I don’t care, like I said I really don’t care. Can you just pick? I’m getting hungry. C’mon. Pick a place, we will go there, and we will eat. It is not a big deal.


No, Just Pick James, I Feel Like This is About Something Else by Rebecca Tuck

James, just pick. I don’t want to decide. Why won’t you just decide where we are going to eat?

What is this really about? If you are having trouble communicating with me that is something we have to deal with.

Just pick a restaurant so we can talk about these issues when we get there.