Freshmen Make Intense, Painful Love

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Chapel Hill, NC – After six weeks of shy glances and cautious flirtation, freshmen Alex Hammond and Emily Stiles consummated their relationship in a bout of passionate and uncomfortable lovemaking.

The young lovers were left alone Thursday night by a combination of happy chance and an intense desire to get Late Night on the part of Hammond’s roommate, a first time cannabis smoker.

The toilsome encounter began with a minute and a half of excruciating silence, save for the hum of the decrepit air conditioner and the frenzied beating of hearts caught between lust and innocence.

Hammond broke the tension when, in an act of herculean bravery, he latched a sweaty hand onto Stiles’ soon-to-be equally sweaty thigh.

The two formed a silent pact to dispense with foreplay, an art of which both were self-consciously ignorant.

The action soon moved to Hammond’s lofted bed, where he struggled first with Stiles’ bra—an obstacle which he had foreseen but for which he was woefully unprepared—and then with the condom which he had bashfully carried in his wallet since the first day of C-TOPS.

After several minutes of unexpected fumbling and fruitless cycling through theretofore untried positions, Hammond began a series of exaggerated and irregular thrusts which were complicated by his inability to gain traction atop his Carolina blue comforter.

After seconds that felt more like seconds, elation faded into confusion through several minutes of smiles and tentative groping. The post-coital honeymoon was hastily concluded as the return of Hammond’s roommate grew nigh.  Stiles dressed as Hammond attempted to stuff the entirety of his comforter into his laundry basket.

Stiles described the event to her friends as “beautiful” and “perfect” while Hammond waited a full 15 minutes to message his older brother with a variety of questions and comments.

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Parents Quietly Accept Middle Child’s Decision to Declare EXSS Major

Cary, NC – John and Alexis Emerson had little to say last weekend when Jacob, the second of their three children, announced his intention to pursue an exercise and sports science degree.

“Jake played football in high school, but he never had Michael’s talent,” his father explained, referring to his first-born son. “I mean, Jake watches a lot of sports and ESPN is his homepage. At least this is something.”

Jacob’s younger sister Lauren was also quiet during the dinner conversation. Afterwards, she reported that EXSS was a good major for Jacob because “the 3 he got on the AP Bio exam could really give him a head start.”

The Emersons noted that Michael and Lauren were both ambitious, gifted students “so it’s not like we need Jake to pay for our retirement or anything, we just don’t want him living in the basement. EXSS is a good major for that.”

When asked why he wanted to become an EXSS major, Jake responded “I’ve always been interested in physical therapy.” Sources close to him were skeptical.

Political Science Professor Makes Annual Point

CHAPEL HILL, NC — After only a few weeks of school, Political Science professor Mike MacKant has made his annual point.

“Usually, I vaguely describe the assigned readings and kind of rant,” said MacKant. “And then, once a year, I’ll make a point.”

Students celebrated the point by switching from Facebook to their previously empty Microsoft Word documents. “It was so nice to actually save something after class,” said Sharon Twain, a junior student in MacKant’s International Relations lecture. “Usually I just delete the notes page I had opened and remember to read before the midterm. It’s never mattered until today.”

Knowing when the point will be made is still a guessing game, said sophomore Kristina Gass.

“I actually took a Fall class with him when I was a freshman,” Gass said, “which was unfortunate, because he made his point during the Spring semester that year.”