BOG Vibe Out to Phish After Morning Meeting

CHARLOTTE, NC—After a long morning meeting, in which they furthered the recommended closing of three centers and raised tutition, UNC’s Board of Governors requested their chamber be closed to outside guests, pulled out bags of hallucinogenic drugs, and began a multi-hour Phish jam session.

“Stressful shit, everyone yelling about stuff—let’s all just chill,” said John C. Fennebresque, chairman of the BOG, as he listened to Trey Anastasio, lead guitarist for Phish, begin an opening solo. “Oh fuck, do y’all remember the Madison Square Garden show? I was tripping so hard during this solo. It’s all coming back. Holmes you brought acid right?”

James L. Holmes Jr., board member and chair of the working group tasked with reviewing university system centers, pulled out a sheet and grinned.

“Dude, nothing more I want to do than be in another reality right now. Why is everyone complaining?” Holmes laughed.

Just as a full on jam in Phish’s “Weekapaug Groove” was beginning, the lights in the room dropped and lasers erupted from a small portable emitter. They danced around the University of North Carolina at Charlotte’s union conference room.

“Y’all act like I wasn’t ready to groove,” Steven B. Long, board member, said from the back of the room, standing beside the light switch and emitter. “You know it isn’t Phish without the lasers!”

Long, whom many have seen as the main opponent of “advocacy” by centers, began rolling his body to the rhythm.

“Took shrooms this morning and have been tripping straight balls ever since,” he said. “Some of y’all look like eels.”

The upper-class, almost exclusively white men of the BOG threw their heads back and forth, letting Phish wash away a morning of scathing complaints and tedious bureaucracy.

As the BOG continued vibing out, students, employees, and other active members of UNC-system communities huddled outside the meeting chamber, discussing the morning.

They went over possible responses to the BOG’s latest decisions in hushed, frustrated, and increasingly despondent tones.

As the protesters talked, board member Peter D. Hans emerged from the closed chamber, looking disoriented in the bright light of the hallway. In the moments before the door closed behind him, protestors turned their heads at the sound of the major Phish jam occurring just a few feet from them. Han’s met their eyes, fear and rage flashing across his otherwise slack visage. Just as quickly, he appeared overwhelmed with nausea, forgetting his feelings as he hurried down the hall to the restroom.

“I’m way too high for this shit,” Hans muttered, lurching into a stall. He was found a few hours later whispering, “Fucking bad trip, man.”

In the meantime, those congregated outside the room resumed their protest, chanting loudly at the chamber.

“It seems like we can’t make a difference, but at least we are out here trying. If we yell loud enough, they have to hear us,” said Emilio Vincente, a leader of student protestors. He began to say more, but a boom of bass from within the conference room interrupted him.

The Board of Governors had just begun playing the famous ’92 Palo Alto show.

“Can’t they all just chill?” Holmes said as he nodded his head, riding a vibe that would last for several more hours. “Can’t they all just seriously chill?”

Junior Robertson Almost As Good As First-Year Morehead


CHAPEL HILL, NC—After three years of hard work, Aaron Martin, junior Robertson Scholar, is fast on the heels of Hannah Nussbaum, freshman Morehead-Cain Scholar, in terms of on-campus leadership, moral resolve, and maturity.

Martin, who in middle school founded Sphinx—a web-based platform and mobile application intended to streamline multilateral business transactions—says he decided to “pivot” last year and began building a more relatable ‘Martin brand.’

“I thought telling everyone I was a Robertson would make them like me,” Martin said. “It seems to have had the opposite effect. So this year, I am just casually going to mention it whenever possible.”

Nussbaum, who only tells people about her scholarship if it is necessary, says that she is well-liked but busy.

“It’s hard to stay on top of friends, work and all the things I want to do,” Nussbaum said, earnestly. “Sometimes I feel like I have all these passions and opportunities, I want to give everything to this experience and learn as much as possible.”

Martin felt similarly.

“I think it is going to be a really important first step to a job in consulting,” he said.

Both are attempting to find a way to combine their career interests and their dedication to serving the community.

“Two months ago, while looking for a nearby bathroom, I walked into the Campus Y for the first time,” said Martin. “And despite its juvenile idealism, that place taught me something. Being a good person means helping other people. And when you’re a good person, people want to buy your product. And that’s what Sphinx is all about.”

Similarly, Nussbaum, who founded her own committee within the Campus Y to empower young women in Janakpur, Nepal, has become an integral pillar of the Campus Y’s leadership.

“It’s a real shame [Nussbaum] is only a first-year,” said Campus Y Co-President Malinda Wark. “Otherwise, we’d let her run the show. I literally get her advice before making any big decision for the Campus Y.”

“Hannah is so wise,” added Wark. “And well-rounded, just so well-rounded.”

As Martin pursues similar leadership roles on campus, many of his peers wonder whether he can successfully change his image.

“Aaron was on my team for a case competition in BUSI 554: Consulting Skills and Frameworks,” said junior economics major Riley Richards. “[Martin] launched two separate coups against our team-leader during the process. The project was only five days.

“I mean, he’s smart,” he added. “But just kind of a dick, too. Like a huge dick. But also, still a good guy. Does that make sense?”

A number of Martin’s friends have similar concerns.

“Aaron is an awesome guy and I think his moral center is as strong as ever, or at least getting better,” said Martin’s roommate Jeremy Lee. “But he told me yesterday that he would cut off his left thumb for a chance to ride in an elevator with Warren Buffet. I just don’t think he sees the bigger picture.”

Nevertheless, Martin continues to integrate servant leadership into his daily life and remains optimistic about one day rivaling many of the first-year Moreheads at UNC.

“If there is a way to make money and help people at the same time, I’ll find it,” says Martin. “But either way I feel pretty good about where Sphinx is headed.”

In the spirit of collaboration, Martin and Nussbaum discussed a joint project last week in the Robertson Scholars Leadership Program’s main office, a small study room in the basement of Graham Memorial.

Yesterday, they continued the conversation in the lavish multi-floored Morehead-Cain Foundation.

“I’ll never be as good,” Martin mumbled to himself as Nussbaum went to get him a soda.

Student Afraid He Rubbed Professor the Wrong Way


CHAPEL HILL, NC–Convinced that he had applied too much pressure and handled things entirely too quickly, freshman Liam Katz was afraid, after an office hours meeting with John Pickles, who teaches his first-year geography seminar, that he had rubbed his professor the wrong way.

“Professor Pickles is all about hands-on learning and I wanted to show him that I get that,” Katz said. “I’ve had trouble feeling him out in class so far, but I hoped that if I showed him I have a firm grasp on the material he might recommend me for a SURF grant this summer or maybe even give me some advice about graduate school.

“I definitely came on too strong,” he admitted. “It’s like I was, I don’t know, I was pressing him with my own stuff the whole time. I could tell he was tense as soon as I started, and by the time I left his office he seemed downright sore. His tone was so strange. Things definitely got hairy back there.

“I should have been more responsive,” Katz said. “He’s the career scholar with this amazing body of work. And he has such a good touch in class–he never seems heavy-handed. Why can’t I just relax and let him rub off on me?”

Professor Pickles said that he did experience a strange feeling in the meeting.

“Not every student rubs you the right way,” he said.

DTH Calls Home To Tell Parents It’s Finally A Newspaper

dth calls home

CHAPEL HILL, NC–After covering campus events well for the last few weeks and being one of the only institutions to address the recent actions of the Board of Governors, The Daily Tar Heel called home yesterday to tell its parents that it finally felt like a newspaper.

“My first real journalism,” the glowing student paper rhapsodized. ” Did you see the links I sent you? Don’t worry, I’ve got paper copies, too.

“I’ve been trying to write stuff like this all year,” the emotional DTH added. “I can’t believe the chance finally came.”

The Daily Tar Heel also celebrated its accomplishments with its peers, buying a round of drinks for the Campus Y, Campus BluePrint, and other friends later in the afternoon at Linda’s. Andrea Morris, a professor in the school of journalism who has mentored the DTH in its time on campus, said the paper has a right to be proud.

“It’s good to see [The Daily Tar Heel] get into the spirit of being a newspaper,” she said. “It still has a lot to learn, of course, and it should keep at it this semester by investigating how athletes are adjusting to the supposed changes in academic standards, but it’s amazing to see how far it’s come already.”

Morris said that the DTH has already shared dreams of moving on to be a newspaper in a big city like New York or Los Angeles. While she said she was glad to see the paper’s optimism, she cautioned it that jobs for newspapers are increasingly scarce, and it shouldn’t be ashamed if it has to stay around Chapel Hill for a little while longer.

Whatever lies ahead for the DTH, in the semester and in its career, the paper said it would take time to appreciate and reflect on the present. Even so, its parents, the Durham Herald-Sun and the Greensboro News & Record, cast disillusioning light on its excitement.

“Your mother and I thought we were hotshots once too, but our dreams of being newspapers were quashed long ago, the Herald-Sun said. “It doesn’t matter how good you are. This industry just isn’t what it used to be.”

“Why do you have to be so discouraging, Herald?” the News & Record interjected. “Your father is just being bitter, dear,” she told the silent DTH. “There’s nothing wrong with getting excited about being a newspaper. Just… know that your father and I want you to be happy and we love you.”

“Aw, who knows,” the Herald-Sun said at last. “At least you’re out there trying. Maybe you’ll figure out something we never could. At least you’re not talking about trying to make it as a humor publication or something.”

After BOG Recommendation to Shut Down Poverty Center, Campus Liberals Devastated by Loss to Duke


CHAPEL HILL, NC–Since Wednesday, when a Board of Governors working group recommended closing UNC’s Center on Poverty, Work, and Opportunity, liberals across campus have been outraged and outspoken, voicing their “confusion, disappointment, and dejection” at the Tar Heels’ 90-92 overtime loss to Duke.

“I still can’t believe it happened,” said junior women’s and gender studies major Brian Teff. “This is a sad, sad day for North Carolina.”

The Poverty Center, headed by the outspoken Gene Nichol, was recommended for closing because of its “advocacy.” Nichol could frequently be found in the pages of the News & Observer criticizing the current Republican administration’s role in creating an increased rate of poverty in North Carolina.

The center receives no state funding and is funded entirely by private groups.

“It’s just not like our school to end something like that,” said Gregory Townes, political science major and member of Young Democrats. “How could we just let that lead slip so late in the game, it’s ridiculous! Roy has to call a timeout or something!”

Many have also attacked the recommendation to continue reviewing the Center for Civil Rights, which is also being taken to task for its advocacy activities.

“In my view they have to speak! They have to be talking about these things,” said Kristen Grason, public policy major. “I mean that’s how you let Tyus Jones destroy your defense, because you’re not talking out there!”

Some have said it is simply a problem of personnel.

“I mean we have no real leaders right now, no one to steer the ship. Everyone’s afraid to do something, but they don’t realize that’s the only way you become an actual leader,” said Tristan Wright, a senior history major. “I mean at least Brice is out there giving us the right amount of hustle.”

With the continued review of more centers, and the closing of the Center for Poverty, Work and Opportunity on the horizon, some still have hope.

“I mean maybe next time we could actually get out there and make this matter, get in the streets together and ask for change,” Wright said. “I really hope I get to rush Franklin. Go to hell Duke!”

Students Say Goodbye to Old Chicago $2 Pizza Deal, Old Chicago

old chicago

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Monday, taproom and pizzeria Old Chicago revoked its $2 personal pizza deal, a popular late-night eating option amongst barhopping UNC students. As undergraduates say goodbye to the nighttime bargain, they also say goodbye to Old Chicago.

“I absolutely loved Old Chicago’s $2 pizza deal,” said junior history major Catherine Stuart, a frequent late-night patron of the restaurant. “But now that it’s gone, I literally can’t see myself ever going back there. Really, never again. It’s disgusting.”

According to many UNC students, Old Chicago’s decision to revoke its $2 pizza deal has eliminated whatever interest they once had in the restaurant.

“I’m always down to spend an inordinate amount of time waiting for low-quality, $2 pizza,” said senior business major Aaron Roth. “But there is no way in hell I am spending an inordinate amount of time waiting for low-quality, $3 pizza. I’m not an animal.”

“Old Chicago is dead to me,” he added.

According to Old Chicago’s General Manager Jeremy Andrews, backlash against the restaurant’s menu change was expected.

“We know we’re worth more than some late-night, drunken, $2 bargain,” said Andrews, his bottom lip quivering. “And we’re not going to settle for those customers anymore. We’re going to wait for the right customers, the kind that value our pizza at $3.”

Unfortunately for Andrews, things do not seem to be looking up for Old Chicago anytime soon.

“Yeah, never going there,” Roth said. “Just never.”

The Weigh-In: BOG Recommends Elimination of Centers

A Board of Governors panel has recommended the elimination of three university centers, including UNC-Chapel Hill’s Center on Poverty, Work and Opportunity. Moreover, the panel has called for further review of thirteen more centers, including UNC’s Center for Civil Rights. Many are criticizing the process as politically motivated. What’s your take?


“Fifty one years ago, on June 26, 1963, the General Assembly passed the so-called ‘Speaker Ban Bill,’ widely denounced as an egregious affront to free speech and the independence of the University. The close to five-year-long saga surrounding the bill culminated in a court case and a ruling against the Speaker Ban, titled Dickson, et al. v. Sitterson, et al. The lead plantiff, Paul Dickson, was none other than UNC’s student body president. Student government can be a medium for change.”

Andrew Powell

Student body president candidate, 2014


“Who’s going to TOPO tonight?”

Andrew Powell

Student body president, 2015


“I’ll see ya there Andy P.”

Tom Ross

Recently fired President of the University of North Carolina system