Freshmen Make Intense, Painful Love

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Chapel Hill, NC – After six weeks of shy glances and cautious flirtation, freshmen Alex Hammond and Emily Stiles consummated their relationship in a bout of passionate and uncomfortable lovemaking.

The young lovers were left alone Thursday night by a combination of happy chance and an intense desire to get Late Night on the part of Hammond’s roommate, a first time cannabis smoker.

The toilsome encounter began with a minute and a half of excruciating silence, save for the hum of the decrepit air conditioner and the frenzied beating of hearts caught between lust and innocence.

Hammond broke the tension when, in an act of herculean bravery, he latched a sweaty hand onto Stiles’ soon-to-be equally sweaty thigh.

The two formed a silent pact to dispense with foreplay, an art of which both were self-consciously ignorant.

The action soon moved to Hammond’s lofted bed, where he struggled first with Stiles’ bra—an obstacle which he had foreseen but for which he was woefully unprepared—and then with the condom which he had bashfully carried in his wallet since the first day of C-TOPS.

After several minutes of unexpected fumbling and fruitless cycling through theretofore untried positions, Hammond began a series of exaggerated and irregular thrusts which were complicated by his inability to gain traction atop his Carolina blue comforter.

After seconds that felt more like seconds, elation faded into confusion through several minutes of smiles and tentative groping. The post-coital honeymoon was hastily concluded as the return of Hammond’s roommate grew nigh.  Stiles dressed as Hammond attempted to stuff the entirety of his comforter into his laundry basket.

Stiles described the event to her friends as “beautiful” and “perfect” while Hammond waited a full 15 minutes to message his older brother with a variety of questions and comments.

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