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Thank you to all our readers. The Minor will not publish any new articles. We are going to take this week to do a retrospective.

It is not that we are out of ideas. Here’s a few to prove it: um…like… Waffle House, Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe Waffle on Waffle Prices; Granville Towers Annexed by Wake Forest; Binary Code is a Problematic Binary by Liberal Arts Student; Failing Sweet Frog Business Holds Sweet Frog Benefit Night; and something about Dey Hall looking like a high school (Dey High…Sky High?).

Alright, they aren’t the best, but we could have gotten through a few more weeks. So just back on down and let us get to the point.

We’re done because things should end when they should end.

The Minor was created almost two years ago, and many articles ago, by a few friends. Two of the four that created the organization are graduating. We have more writers now, a robust organization of six, but The Minor is not an institution, it’s just us in a room.

We hope it was fun and funny, we worked hard to try and make it that way. We hope that our articles brought joy instead of sadness, we hope we were properly satirical more than mean, and we hope that articles started important discussions.

We saw your reactions to many of our articles. It was unbelievably heartening to have our work enjoyed by so many people. And when an article was not appreciated, we took those criticisms to heart as well. We are not perfect, but we were anonymous because we felt The Minor should speak from the perspective of a fly on the wall.

Even if you hated us, there’s a silver lining: all the advertisements on our website were put there to raise money for the Sunflower County Freedom Project. They do great work in Mississippi to help teach children. Here is a link to their website with additional opportunities to donate. We have sent down one check and we’ll be sending another in the following weeks.

Mainly, we want to thank everyone. This organization has meant a lot to us and many of you have shown love and appreciation for our work. We did not expect this to happen. We hope we made your lives better in some small way, even if it was just one chuckle on a hard day.

Thank you,

The Minor

Jacob Rosenberg

John Cruickshank

Ross Slaughter

Fedor Kossakovski

Griffin Unger

Erik Schoning

A special thank you to Mark Taylor and Jack Denton who helped create the original idea for The Minor and all our close friends and loved ones.

WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA—After drifting on the ocean’s currents for six million years, a disembodied brain, the only of its species, was mortally wounded by the propeller of a passing motorboat.

The brain, whose vast and immeasurable intellect had grappled with the absurdity of being since long before the human race became self-aware, was borne volitionless from the Gulf of Mexico, where it had eddied for several years, to the east coast of Florida, where it was eventually hit by the propeller of a 300-hp Mercury Verado outboard motor.

Devoid of motor function and extremely limited in its sensory perception, the brain was unable to prevent the collision, which represented its first and only contact with another being capable of abstract thought.

The longevity of the brain has not been explained, though it had no natural predators and appears to have entered the world fully-formed, destined to endure, unmolested and undetected by passing marine life. It spent most of its six million years in the deepest abysses of the ocean, lost in the solitude of its singular consciousness. Only the propeller blades of a Fountain 38 Sportfish LX pierced the isolation of the brain’s cold and lonely existence.

The collision shattered the brain into a thousand lesser minds, each incapable of comprehending the atrocity which befell it or the immensity of its loss. Dying alone in the swiftly disintegrating husk of the peerless brain, these fragmented, ruined minds winked out of existence, brutally shorn from six million years of darkness by an instant of agony.

The Sportfish LX cruised on, a spot of white on an azure sea.

CHAPEL HILL, NC–Calling college “a unique time to reflect and think on the future,” Steven Hart, and many like him, have enjoyed the opportunity at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill to find both themselves and the festering corpse that lies in the corner of Gardner Hall’s basement.

“I’ve really looked inward, wondered about what makes me happy, and questioned the path I thought I was on,” Hart said. “Carolina gave me time to do that and also time to come across the body, swarmed by gnats and other parasites, devoid of all recognizable face, that is hidden in the bottom of Gardner Hall.

“I feel so lucky to have had those experiences,” he added.

The Order of the Bell Tower (OBT) places the dead body in the basement each year as part of a tradition dating back to the university’s founding.

“Each year we murder one unsuspecting victim and hide them down there to be found by the surviving UNC students,” said Trent Brown, president of OBT. “It’s a great college tradition you just can’t do any other time in your life–unless you live in New York or something! But most people aren’t going to just find a horrifying dead body, splayed across the floor, forgotten by all, at any other time in life! And certainly not with the same magic of doing it here at Carolina.”

John Raft, class of 1986, remembers fondly when he found the body.

“It was a life changer, simple as that, really put things in perspective,” he said. “The haunting image of it is forever branded in my mind, unshakeable after all of these years. Just another great college tradition!”

For many, college can be a time to explore more than just the classroom.

“The value of a college education is the conversations, late at night, with some of the smartest people in the world, just about nothing. Just about life,” Kristin Hutchins said. “Well especially the life of that person’s whose rotting remains are in the basement of Gardner.”

Claire Watson, class of 2011, said she often used her free time, and the discovery of a dead body in Gardner, to create little adventures.

“I was just trying to be creative and fun. So I’d say, ‘Yeah, let’s plan this huge scavenger hunt’ or ‘Let’s create an intricate timeline and try to solve the horrific murder of this person by members of OBT,'” she said. “Just wacky, fun adventures for when you’re half-kid half-adult.”

The body this year, barely recognizable after months of decay, has inspired many.

“I remember finding it early this year, and I was so sure before that I wanted to be pre-med, but the image of it haunted me, I could not deal with death in the clinical way of a medical professional. That body destroyed any sense of a comfortable reality for me,” Fred Uner, sophomore philosophy major, said. “It’s just what makes college great–you change your path and find a new way to live after the unimaginable trauma of seeing a dead body in the basement of Gardner.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Addressing a slew of bear-related incidents in recent years, Chancellor Folt told students on Tuesday they should avoid making eye contact with the Fraternity Grizzly Bear that prowls campus.

“The best thing for students to do is ignore the Fraternity Grizzly Bear,” said Folt, referring to the 6-foot, 8-inch, 700-pound beast that UNC fraternities own collectively. “We’ve trained this university’s administrators to avoid eye contact with the grizzly at all costs, and we’ll be rolling out similar workshops for students soon. In the meantime, looking at the bear will only make matters worse. Just give the bear its own space and pretend it is not even there.”

UNC’s Fraternity Grizzly Bear, a fixture at most parties in Fraternity Court, is popular for its uninhibited drinking and dancing. In the last few months alone, however, UNC’s Department of Public Safety has received numerous reports of the Fraternity Grizzly Bear urinating on vehicles, defacing public property, and even attacking UNC undergraduates.

Many feel unsatisfied by the administration’s response to the recurring episodes on campus.

“The administration should do something to regulate the Fraternity Grizzly Bear,” said sophomore biology major Kathryn Kinney. “If they’re going to allow a bear on campus, it’s their job to make sure it doesn’t compromise student safety. And they should hold the bear and its owners responsible if it does.”

“I mean it’s a fucking bear just walking around campus. It’s hard not to notice,” Kinney added.

For Chancellor Folt, regulating the bear is easier said than done.

“Unfortunately, the bear’s caves are 40 feet off campus and 40 feet outside of our jurisdiction,” said Folt, referring to the damp, beer-stained basements in Fraternity Court where the Fraternity Grizzly sleeps. “So really, when it comes to a bear viciously attacking UNC students, our hands are tied. It’s Chapel Hill Police’s bear to handle.”

Chapel Hill Police Chief Chris Green confirmed that his force has partnered extensively with UNC’s Department of Public Safety to ensure the well-being of UNC’s students. He says the Fraternity Grizzly Bear, however, presents a difficult challenge.

“The second we have concrete proof that the Fraternity Grizzly Bear is behind these attacks, we’ll go after it,” said Green. “But these incidents could be caused by any large animal in the area. Even if all evidence seems to point toward the Fraternity Grizzly, there’s just no way to be sure.

“And besides, the Fraternity Grizzly Bear’s mama is never far from her cub,” added Chief Green. “She’s a lawyer in Greenwich, Connecticut. Viciously protective.”

Even fraternities are not immune to their bear’s violence. According to one first-year, who preferred to remain nameless, groups of pledges are often left alone with the bear for hours on end. Many pledges leave its caves with scars, both physical and emotional.

Jesse Reynolds, president of UNC’s Interfraternity Council (IFC), claims that these and other allegations against the Fraternity Grizzly Bear are unfounded.

“The fact is, every university has a Greek bear,” said Reynolds. “And a lot of other students at UNC have bears, too. Sure, ours is the biggest, most violent bear. And sure, it might attack students every now and then. But that doesn’t mean administrators need to start regulating fraternity behaviors, or put down the bear altogether.”

When asked to comment on such interventions, the Fraternity Grizzly Bear growled, allowing a mixture of saliva, beer, and chewing tobacco to drip from its lips.

Many have looked toward UNC’s Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life (OFSL) for further clarification on bear regulations.

“We have clear guidelines on the bear,” said Grant Peterson, director of OFSL. “You are not allowed to have the bear out at parties, the bear is not allowed around pledges, the bear cannot eat students, and the bear is not be touched.”

Peterson had no comment on how well any of these regulations are enforced.

“There’s no way of knowing. You aren’t supposed to look at the bear,” he said.

Chancellor Folt offered one last insight regarding the future of the bear at UNC.

“Until the bear’s family stops donating hundreds of thousands of dollars to this University, we’ll have to learn to live with it,” she said. “So remember, don’t look at the Fraternity Grizzly Bear in the eyes and, if it sees you, play dead.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC—After Roger Bollen, station manager of WXYC, captioned his new profile picture with a single “m,” he and other WXYC staff produced a string of comments under the blurry screen-capped photo of a dog training video that, according to linguistic experts, culminated in the destruction of the English language, at last rending syntax from meaning.

The conversation began around 8:40 pm when Bollen, who has DJed at WXYC since his freshman year, located a particularly enigmatic sequence in a Youtube video of a corgi being taught a trick in the 1980s. He promptly uploaded a screen-capture to his Facebook.

Trent Unson, a new DJ, commented.

“kk,” he posted.

The comment gained likes quickly, five in just a few minutes.

“hap to sea (read as C), you-r happ-y,” followed sophomore DJ Griffin Rezom.

For many linguists, this style of conversation is expected among hipster subgroups.

“What creates meaning in language is the attempt to convey information, thought, or feeling” said Shelton Tronen, linguistics professor. “Hipsters, in an effort to reject any uncritical embrace of the cultural norms that mediate meaning, associate ‘coolness’ with the ironic caricature of those norms. It makes their speech hard to decode.

“However, the avant-garde nature of WXYC Facebook conversations, like that of the station itself, goes far beyond what we’d see with the typical hipster subgroup, to the point that words serve only to heighten linguistic discord and obscure any possible meaning behind shifting and unstable layers of irony.”

To illustrate his analysis, Tronen pointed to later comments in the conversation, which he said rapidly descended into “the WXYC wormhole.”

DJ Lucas Rason, upon seeing the profile picture in question, posted a string of comments.

“which is you?,” he said.

He quickly followed with “fuck just dog,” and “sorry guyz(s)^2.”

Several minutes later, he added “where’s the door, how do i leave the comments? fuck?”

All received three to five likes.

Pollen came back into the thread to fully cast the conversation into the wormhole, typing “fired” and then “get base 2.”

Anna Yon finished the death of language by posting five consecutive pictures of toenails on floors, before typing, “123u8cuqe9fbDfklnAsl-dads.”

“The amount of insecurity is striking in the wormhole,” said Tronen. “WXYC DJs seemed to have jettisoned any semblance of sincerity long ago, leaving their sarcasm with nothing to strip away but the most basic components of communication.

“Their solace is to look down on anyone who would attempt anything earnestly,” Trenon added. “The alienated state in which this leaves them must be what lets one relate to the noises played so often on WXYC.”

by the Old Well | The Minor

After all I’ve done to exclude and disadvantage people of color, I’m surprised I have to say this again. I am a whites-only well.

Simple as that, folks. Simple as that.

This year, students have drawn a lot of attention to the University of North Carolina’s history of racism. Many of its buildings are named after leading figures in the Ku Klux Klan, confederate officers, slaveholders, and white supremacists. I call those people my friends.

Our most prominent statue was built to glorify those who fought to defend slavery and to unify white southerners behind a politics of racial hatred. I think the university government’s tepid response to student activism has sent a clear message: we are proud of that history.

I was and continue to be a whites-only well.

Minority enrollment and graduation rates lag far behind the campus average. Two years ago, there were 98 black males, 94 Hispanic males, and 12 American Indians in the incoming class of 2017. Too many in my opinion, but at least it was low.

Given that the graduation rate for African-American males is an abysmal 49.7 percent, that first number, at least, is almost certainly lower now. Thank God.

These damning statistics are partially the result of policies at the state and national level which disadvantage people of color, but they are equally the result of unwillingness on the part of the university to provide resources and support to students of color and apathy on the part of the student body towards a campus culture of racism and privilege which excludes and alienates minority students. A culture which I am proud to help create.

We as a University have done our best to make sure that I stay a whites-only well.

If it seems like the only students of color I care about are student-athletes, that’s correct too. And as the Wainstein report made clear, I only care about them as investments, not as people. I’ll use them to sell merchandise and increase TV revenue, but I won’t let their educational needs stand in the way of my profit. The images of black student-athletes, like my image, might be used to promote the University’s brand, but that does not change the reality that I am a whites-only well.

Do not drink my water if you are not white. Do not even think on that.

The Board of Governors recently voted to raise tuition and cap the percent of tuition that can go to financial aid. These decisions will disproportionately impact people of color, whose economic and educational opportunities have been circumscribed by government policies that preserve and legitimize the concentration of wealth among a powerful white minority. The university can no longer categorically exclude blacks, Latinos, and other ethnic minorities, but by making UNC unaffordable for poor and middle class families, I can remain a whites-only well.

Thank God for the BOG.

Even the decision to close the Center on Poverty, Work and Oppurtunity was one more step to safeguard the racial homogeneity of UNC. By punishing professors for activism, especially that related to poverty and inequality, the Republican state government can perpetuate the myths that academic research and discussions of poverty can and should be apolitical.

Academics, if they are to matter at all, must be political. Poverty, if it is to be eliminated, must be recognized as a consequence of our economic and political system. By denying these realities, the Republican government prevents an honest discussion about the causes of racial inequality. An honest discussion which would destroy my whiteness; my very being. A discussion we simply cannot let happen.

Without dissent, without activism, I will always be a whites-only well. I relish this fact.

They say actions speak louder than words, but maybe mine have not been clear enough. The University of North Carolina has always privileged the interests and well-being of white students over the interests and well-being of people of color. Next semester, when you come to me hoping for better grades and a better future, remember that I am a whites-only well. Do not dare touch your lips otherwise.