Parents Quietly Accept Middle Child’s Decision to Declare EXSS Major

Cary, NC – John and Alexis Emerson had little to say last weekend when Jacob, the second of their three children, announced his intention to pursue an exercise and sports science degree.

“Jake played football in high school, but he never had Michael’s talent,” his father explained, referring to his first-born son. “I mean, Jake watches a lot of sports and ESPN is his homepage. At least this is something.”

Jacob’s younger sister Lauren was also quiet during the dinner conversation. Afterwards, she reported that EXSS was a good major for Jacob because “the 3 he got on the AP Bio exam could really give him a head start.”

The Emersons noted that Michael and Lauren were both ambitious, gifted students “so it’s not like we need Jake to pay for our retirement or anything, we just don’t want him living in the basement. EXSS is a good major for that.”

When asked why he wanted to become an EXSS major, Jake responded “I’ve always been interested in physical therapy.” Sources close to him were skeptical.

Political Science Professor Makes Annual Point

CHAPEL HILL, NC — After only a few weeks of school, Political Science professor Mike MacKant has made his annual point.

“Usually, I vaguely describe the assigned readings and kind of rant,” said MacKant. “And then, once a year, I’ll make a point.”

Students celebrated the point by switching from Facebook to their previously empty Microsoft Word documents. “It was so nice to actually save something after class,” said Sharon Twain, a junior student in MacKant’s International Relations lecture. “Usually I just delete the notes page I had opened and remember to read before the midterm. It’s never mattered until today.”

Knowing when the point will be made is still a guessing game, said sophomore Kristina Gass.

“I actually took a Fall class with him when I was a freshman,” Gass said, “which was unfortunate, because he made his point during the Spring semester that year.”

Clef Hangers Concert to Raise Clef Hangers Awareness

Chapel Hill, NC– Describing the cause as “direly important,” and “the one we’re most passionate about,” spokesman Phillip Lewiston announced today that the Clef Hangers, UNC’s oldest a capella group, will hold a concert to raise awareness for the Clef Hangers, UNC’s oldest a capella group.

The concert will be on Saturday, October 5, at 8:00 pm in Carmichael Arena. Lewiston said that the Clef Hangers have decided to call the concert simply “The Clef Hangers,” a name that he said is meant to reflect the centrality of the group’s chosen cause.

“When you cultivate a public profile as great as ours, you can’t help but feel obligated to use it to do something worthwhile,” Lewiston said. “With a certain level of notoriety, giving back just becomes common sense. I think that’s a perspective shared by every Clef, and it’s the reason we’re so excited to raise awareness for this wonderful cause.”

The Clef Hangers have been close to the hearts of the Clef Hangers for generations. In fact, every Clef Hangers concert since the group was founded in 1977 has been devoted primarily to raising Clef Hangers awareness.

“The Clef Hangers are so refreshing,” said freshman Callie Mitchell, as she waited in line for concert tickets. “I can’t think of another campus group so dedicated to its cause.”

With a line-up set to include such classic Clef Hangers numbers as “Halleluajah”, “Blue and White”, and “Africa”, the upcoming concert will also feature skits and monologues designed to tie the evening together under the theme of Clef Hangers awareness and draw particular attention to certain under-publicized aspects of the Clef Hangers, such as their playfulness and wit.

Lewiston noted that the majority of ticket proceeds will benefit the Clef Hangers.

The Clef Hangers are “more than willing to donate their time and talents” to their chosen cause, Lewiston added, as he pictured himself singing on stage. “As a Clef Hanger, it’s hard not to get excited about raising Clef Hangers awareness,” he said. “Ultimately, it’s why we’re all doing this.”

The Weigh-In: Wale and Ace Hood

The Carolina Union Activities Board has agreed to pay rappers Wale and Ace Hood $90,000 to perform at the Homecoming concert on November, 2. What’s your take?


“Not cool. Bring back the New Pornographers!”

Will Carruthers, ’14, Journalism & Mass Communication


“Hell yeah. I fucks hard with Wale.”

Donald J. McCullough, Faculty Emeritus, Dept. of History


“What a waste of university money. My cousin’s band would have done it for like two grand, tops. Have you heard of them? They’re called the New Pornographers.”

Drew DeCenso, ’15, Peace, War, & Defense

Local Greenpeace Volunteer Saves Environment


CHAPEL HILL, NC – Crispin Pleasants was asking a harried junior for her signature when he learned that he had saved the environment. Pleasants, who has been described by sources around campus as annoying, self-righteous, and “potentially homeless,” graduated from UNC in 2009 and is currently unemployed.

“I guess I kinda had a feeling that I would be the one to do it,” Pleasants said. “Growing up, I always imagined bringing global warming, deforestation, and poaching to a halt by gathering signatures and donations in front of Ram’s Head. Now I’ve done it.”

The tipping point came when Pleasants collected the signatures of freshmen “Ben Dover”, “Jack Hoffman”, and “Suck My Balls” at approximately 9:15 AM. Shortly thereafter, scientists at UC Berkeley and the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reported that greenhouse gas emissions had returned to pre-Industrial Revolution levels, a herd of recently extinct West African rhinos emerged from a particularly thick clump of grass, and scientists at Duke University discovered a way to harness clean, renewable energy from the laughter of babies.

Packing up the contents of his desk, Ernest Moniz, President Obama’s Energy Secretary, reported that Pleasant’s efforts were “critical” to saving the environment. “No one has ever been as dedicated to hounding complete strangers for their signatures as Crispin is,” claimed Moniz. “The $7.35 he raised today basically erased the effects of the BP oil spill, along with every other environmental catastrophe ever. He is a remarkable young man.”

At press time, only Vice President Al Gore had challenged the claim that Pleasants saved the environment, tweeting repeatedly that “Crispin had nothing to do with it” and “it was all me.”

Mild-Bodied Man Considers Tanktop


CHAPEL HILL, NC — Early Tuesday morning, subtly doughy sophomore Sherman Albright contemplated wearing a tank top that he purchased earlier in the month. Unlike the rest of Albright’s wardrobe, the cotton garment is cut so as to reveal the young man’s unremarkable shoulders and biceps.

Standing shirtless in his dimly lit dormitory, Albright, who has body mass index is in the 61st percentile for his age range, characterized the tank top as a confident reflection of his fun, easy-going demeanor.

“Maybe it’s time to bring the guns out,” he said, reflexively altering his voice to affect ironic machismo.

The just-in-shape-enough man, who “worked out twice a week this summer and [plays] some ultimate frisbee,” went on to briefly and almost imperceptibly flex his biceps in front of his dorm room mirror.

Sources close to Albright say the tank top represents a bold fashion choice for the sophomore.

“Wearing a tank top could really show off the fact that’s he not fat,” said friend Susan Henderson. “I mean, it’s not like he’s ripped or anything, but you know, he’s not fat.”

At approximately 9:00 am, Albright committed to the tank top, slipping the garment over his ever-so-slightly toned shoulders. The man, whom sources speculate can do two or three pull-ups, also stuffed a sweatshirt into his backpack before leaving his dorm.

Periodically rubbing his upper arms to warm the pale, newly exposed segment of his body, Albright debuted the tank top to his 9:30 a.m. ECON 410 lecture. The sleeveless shirt received a silently mixed reception.

At press time, Albright was ordering three more tank tops online.

New Baby a Joy and Proof of Sex

RALEIGH, NC — Late Saturday evening, Chapel Hill residents Linda and Brad Johnson celebrated the arrival of a beautiful baby girl and official living certificate that they had sex. The usually unintimate parents of Samantha Ruby Johnson were reportedly overjoyed to hold the brand new bundle of happiness and irrevocable evidence that they actually did it.

“There’s no describing the feeling of when Sammy first looked up at me and also of when I texted my male friends a picture of her with the caption ‘looks what I BANGED out,'” said Brad. “It was a joke, of course, but it’s true. Linda and I had sex, no matter what anyone says.”

Many acquaintances of Linda, a professor of mathematics at UNC-Chapel Hill, suspected she would never have sex. Colleagues have described her as “musty”, “rigid”,  and a regular viewer of the Oxygen network.

“When I sent out an email to tell my students that I would have to take some time off for the baby, a lot of them congratulated me,” she said. “I bet tons of them pictured me having sex, or at least acknowledged the idea of it. That moment makes it all worthwhile.”

Sources speculate the couple will never have sex again.