Student activists across campus have rallied to pressure the administration to rename Saunders Hall in honor of Zora Neal Hurston. The building is currently named for William L. Saunders, who was an active member of the Ku Klux Klan. What’s your take?

“What’s next? Hip-hop in the classroom?”

Professor Donald J. McCullough, Professor Emeritus of History

“Zora Neal Hurston is an excellent choice for the renaming of Saunders Hall. I enjoyed The Color Purple when I read it in high school.”

Houston Summers, student body president candidate

“This seems like a slippery slope.”

Saunders Market

No, You Weigh-In!

It’s election season again and The Minor will have all the coverage as it breaks. Our Senior Intrepid Political Reporters,  Carly Burns and Bobbi Wood, are on the pulse of the story, with constant news updates on the politics shaping our campus.

Bobbi Wood and Carly Burns | The Minor

For a race that at one point had most of the junior class considering running, the actual candidates are few and surprising. Houston Summers, a former minor league baseball player and current former minor league baseball player, has a strong campaign staff and is looking to be intentionally walked to victory. However, a triad of Young Republicans and other campus notables stand in his path. Here are the hard facts on this year’s student body president race.

David Marsh

Strengths: Taking a lot of AP classes, JV Co-Captain of cross country, thinking about asking Elizabeth to senior prom, older brother Jim was friends with all the cool kid’s older siblings (even Elizabeth’s), already had a few conversations with Mr. Thomas who runs student government meetings after 7th period

Weaknesses: Didn’t that kid shit his pants in 5th grade P.E.?

Key Platform Issue: Getting his learner’s permit

Nickname: “Marshmallow,” from before he lost that weight on XC

The Candidate from the Campus Left

Strengths: An important voice for social change during a time when our state and university risk becoming more conservative than ever before

Weaknesses: Does not exist

Key Platform Issue: Mobilizing students around an effort to battle the Board of Governors’s decisions to fire Tom Ross, defund centers and institutes, and decay the traditions of political advocacy that have made UNC one of the best universities in the country

Nickname: Again, this person does not exist

Kathryn Walker

Strengths: Political science and public relations double major with a minor in history, experienced in student government, wants to bring campus together

Weaknesses: Some worry she could be too unconventional for a student body president

Key Platform Issue: She would probably lend you a pencil in class if you asked

Nickname: Ché

The Baha Men

Strengths: Ensuring that, when the party is hot, the party is jumping

Weaknesses: Dog containment

Key Platform Issue: Yippie yi o

Nickname: 2002 Kid’s Choice Award Winner, The Baha Men

Houston Summers

Strengths: Your mom thinks he’s handsome and it looks like he has a promising future ahead of him. Why don’t you stop looking for something that’s “better” and realize he’s a great guy?

Weaknesses: One month into your marriage you enter your home, tired but numb with the mendacity of being. You see him, sitting at the computer smiling, and in that moment you hate him: for his happiness, for his blandness, his perfect teeth, the way a shirt falls over his chest, the way he holds you, for everything that should be good enough but isn’t. You go to the kitchen and start making dinner. You begin crying, not because he is bad, but because not bad should never be good enough.

Key Platform Issue: “Why do you seem so distant baby? We can figure this out. Why don’t you go back and see Dr. Terrance again? It seems like he was really helping you.”

Nickname: Andrew Powell with even fewer opinions

2,500 Year Old Body Preserved in an Irish Bog

Strengths: A leather arm band indicates he could have been a king before being sacrificed to the bog, giving him key leadership experience.

Weaknesses: Most likely sacrificed due to poor weather or harvests

Key Platform Issue: Analysis from his stomach content shows that he had a diet rich in protein and grain. He would likely push for the same in campus dining halls.

Nickname: Old Croghan Man

Tyler Jacon

Strengths: “Attn: Dear Sir, Madam, I have LARGE account with many moneys in it. There were series of contracts executed by a Consortium of Multinational for the ministry in which my father was minister in our country. The original values of these contracts were deliberately over-invoiced to the tune of forty-one Million United States Dollars (US$41,000,000.00). A portion will go to you–several million dollars! I am looking for someone who will help us ( my father and I) to receive the money on our behalf. Can you?

Weaknesses: Just send me your bank account number and we will give to you, then you will give back to us.

Key Platform Issue: Please, you must do this soon! We need you!

Nickname: Truly yours, Prince Tyler Jacon”

Art Pope

Strengths: Experienced in North Carolina politics, successful businessman, white, bald

Weaknesses: The residents of Whoville, Cindy Lou Who in particular, could still cause his heart to swell three sizes.

Key Platform Issue: Cheap, mass produced degrees at the maximum profit

Nickname: “Lord of the Flies”

CHAPEL HILL, NC—This Monday, freshman hip-hop artist Miles Rubenstein, also known as Mealz, announced his plans to retire after the release of his forthcoming album, “Who’s House? Ehringhaus.”

“This game ain’t ever been easy,” Mealz told his roommate in their room earlier this week, pulling on the straps of his draw-string backpack from last year’s Fall Fest. “I mean, shit, I play because I can’t stay away.”

“Damn, hand me a pen. That rhyme was tight,” he added.

According to Mealz’s roommate, freshman biology major Jeremy Merken, Mealz’s decision to step down from his post as “Trap God” came after a late night spent studying for Professor Rita Balaban’s Economics 101 course.

“That night, [Mealz] came back from SASB totally dejected,” said Merken. “He just kept saying that ‘the rapper’s lifestyle’ was doing him dirty and that supply and demand curves couldn’t explain ‘the hustle.’”

When asked to comment whether his withdrawal from Chapel Hill’s hip hop scene is the result of a spat with rival freshman rapper Gram’s Head, Mealz told reporters that such rumors are unfounded.

“I get it, Biggie and ‘Pac get shot up over coasts and now y’all think my beef with Grams is scaring me off,” said Mealz, his mouth full of mac n’ cheese from Noodles & Company. “Fact is, my bars make his look like nursery rhymes. Kid’s straight out of Koury.”

Despite Mealz’s short-lived fame on South Campus, the hip-hop artist plans to continue spontaneously free-style rapping at parties and on the P2P, regardless of the setting’s mood or context. His collaborators, many of whom had never used Garage Band before college, say they’re always ready to “put some honey on another thick beat” for Mealz should he ever write a request on their doors’ erasable white boards.

“This ain’t the end of 3 Square Mealz A Day. You can believe that,” Mealz added, referring to the mixtape he recorded his senior year of high school. “Once Balaban hops off your boy’s back, look out for my EP, Late Night, Great Night. Shit’s gonna be dope.”

Joseph, 1:15 a.m.

you up?

Wendy’s, 1:17 a.m.

yeah…you know i’m open 24/7

Joseph, 1:18 a.m.

wanna chill?

Wendy’s, 1:20 a.m.

what does that even mean…

Joseph, 1:21 a.m.

i’m just around, got a lot more work in Davis and wanted to see if maybe you’d want to hang out for a little bit

Wendy’s, 1:23 a.m.

okay, well i’m open 24/7, like i said, so if you want food i’m here

Joseph, 1:24 a.m.

wanna roll to my place?

Wendy’s, 1:26 a.m.

I don’t deliver.

Joseph, 1:27 a.m.

ah fuck, just one time?

Wendy’s 1:29 a.m.

I don’t deliver, Joe.

Joseph, 1:30 a.m.

aww shit, okay. can i get some buns if i roll through maybe 🙂

Wendy’s, 1:32 a.m.

…

Wendy’s, 1:32 a.m.

all my buns are prepared fresh, just like the rest of my ingredients if that is what you are asking.

Joseph, 1:34 a.m.

hahah just having fun.

Joseph, 1:37 a.m.

i’ll be over soon. we’ll have some privacy right?

Wendy’s 1:40 a.m.

there are other people here sometimes, so i can’t promise that

Joseph, 1:41 a.m.

but we’ll be able to chill just kind of you and me?

Wendy’s, 1:43 a.m.

you can wait with everyone else

Joseph, 1:45 a.m.

no cuts for your main dude?

Wendy’s, 1:48 a.m.

don’t start with the main dude bullshit, if you want some great food at even greater prices, i’ll be here. but don’t make this more than it is. it’s late at night, you’re hungry, i want to give you food and we are going to make it work. just cut the shit, the same way i handcut fries each and every morning.

Wendy’s, 1:58 a.m.

come over if you want to though

Joseph, 2:00 a.m.

i’ll roll through soon, almost done at davis

Wendy’s, 2:05 a.m.

cool

Joseph, 2:07 a.m.

you can fuck around, but at least don’t pretend it’s not good when i show up in a few minutes

Wendy’s, 2:09 a.m.

yeah, well, quality is our recipe

CORTONA, ITALY—Tom Ross, soon to be former University of North Carolina system president, remembered how it had all begun so abruptly just a few days ago. Sitting across from two close friends, still visibly shaken after being asked to resign, he had clinked champagne glasses and attempted to smile.

“To freedom,” his close friend Mitch McGinty had said. “It’s time to move on. The BOG was cheating on you with Art Pope, who needs them!?”

Ross sighed now as he did then. Thinking of Pope still upset him.

“And we’ve got just the way to do it,” McGinty continued, “a 10-day tour through romantic Tuscany!”

What began there, around a table at 411 West, ended here, as Ross looked upon a dilapidated villa in the small town of Cortona which he now owned and was attempting to reconstruct.

“I needed this,” said Ross, thinking back on the two-hour closed door session with the board of governors, where they had laid out how they had been with Art Pope for so many years without his knowledge. He took his anger against the paint he was attempting to remove.

“It’s time to stop blaming myself, and move on,” he concluded.

Ross originally intended to travel only a few weeks before returning to finish his term as president of the UNC system, but, as Ross said, “life got in the way.”

“I was feeling free in Italy, free in a way I had not felt in years. Not constantly doubting myself, or wondering if what I do really matters. I am just me here, comfortable in my own skin,” Ross explained. “Then, as I was walking through the plaza of Cortona, this beautiful, rustic town in the Tuscan countryside, I saw a sign for a villa on sale just outside the town. When I realized that I was actually thinking about buying it, I knew I couldn’t go back.”

The house is not in great condition, and Ross, 64, has spent the past few days trying his hand at remodeling.

“I bit off a little more than I can chew,” Ross said, dusty from work on the tile floors, “but it’s exhilarating to work with your hands, doing as much as you can and no more, not worrying about satisfying anyone but yourself. I think restoring this house will be my life’s great work.”

Ross has already befriended many of the locals, nurturing a romance between a village girl and a young, polish man Ross employs to help with the construction.

“There’s nothing sweeter than young love,” Ross mused, “compared to this, all of my concerns seem trivial.”

Ross himself has not escaped the romantic power of Tuscany. In the week since his arrival in Cortona, Ross has begun a tryst with an older British actress who, like Ross, sought refuge in the Italian countryside.

“Unthinkably good things can happen,” said Ross, “even late in the game.”

Rodney E. Hood

Mr. Hood is a black man who graduated from the University of North Carolina in 1989. President George W. Bush appointed Mr. Hood as the Vice Chairman of the National Credit Union Administration in 2005. Mr. Hood now works for JPMorgan Chase.

Therence O. Pickett

Mr. Pickett is a black man who graduated from North Carolina State University in 1988, and then Duke University School of Law in 1991. Mr. Pickett is now the Vice President of Volvo Group North America.

Scott Lampe

Mr. Lampe, the CEO of Hendrick Motorsports, watched Selma last weekend with his wife.

David M. Powers

Mr. Powers has absolutely no real qualms with working with people of color, and is comfortable riding the elevator with almost anyone in his office.

Thomas J. Harrelson

Mr. Harrelson has shaken the hands of numerous black individuals.

Harry Leo Smith, Jr .

Mr. Smith’s children enjoy Wiz Khalifa, and he often lets them play the hip hop artist’s music when he is in the car.

Doyle Parrish

Mr. Parrish hasn’t said the n-word in “a very long time.”

W. Louis Bissette, Jr.

When asked to react to accusations that the Board of Governors does not defend the interests of people of color, Mr. Bissete said, “whaaaaaat noooooo.”

Frank Grainger

“My daughter’s orthodontist was a black woman,” said Mr. Grainger. “A real nice lady.”

Ann B. Goodnight

Ms. Goodnight’s name has the word ‘night’ in it, a time of day when the sky looks black.

CHAPEL HILL, NC–Saying that they have spotted him wearing the colorful, marshmallow-shaped pullover each of the past several days, sources around campus report that Luke Gibson, junior environmental science major and brother of the Chi Psi fraternity, has another funky new Patagonia.

“What are those, Indian patterns?” marveled one onlooker, silently taking in the teal, brown, purple, and red fleece as Gibson biked across the quad, en route from his apartment near Chi Psi lodge to an 11:00 am meeting of ENEC 225: Water Resource Management and Human Rights. “What an earthy wildman.”

Gibson has reportedly debuted no small number of splashy, loose-fitting Patagonias in the time since he pledged Chi Psi and dropped his physics major in favor of environmental science in the spring semester of his freshman year. All of the garments have featured an outrageous array of brightly hued shapes and swirls on shaggy, polyester wool. Each, somehow, is seemingly more jazzy and kaleidoscopic than the last.

With the latest Patagonia, as with each of them, many have wondered at how various aspects of Gibson’s identity are tied together–so completely and mysteriously–in a single $90 sweater.

“My fraternity is having a cocktail on Saturday, but I can meet to work on the project any time next week,” Gibson was overheard telling an assigned group-mate in an intermediate-level biology class. Gibson reportedly asked a freshman member of the same class to accompany him to the cocktail earlier in the week.

“If there’s any research I can be doing until we meet, just let me know,” added the Patagoina-clad Charlotte native, who reportedly donned an even fancier sort of Patagonia jacket when he went on a guided backpacking trip up Mount Kilimanjaro last summer.

According to climate experts, there will be an estimated three- to five-week window in late March and early April when Gibson will wear Chaco sandals simultaneously with his cushy, complicated fleece–or indeed with an even quirkier one, if he has acquired it by then.

Sources added that Gibson enjoys drinking IPAs as well as smoking marijuana, and also wears duck boots. He has reportedly ruled out neither the Peace Corps nor medical school after he graduates, nor even working for his father’s management consulting company.