Board of Trustees Seeks Student Opinions: “The Student We Pick Is Kyle”

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Following a contentious meeting yesterday, the Board of Trustees realized there was a real need to garner student opinions on the controversial issues faced by the university.

“We know they are problems,” said Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Winston Crisp, “and we want to get student perspectives. Specifically Kyle’s. That guy is awesome.”

This afternoon, Crisp met with Kyle, a junior Art History and History double major and “really amazing kid,” to discuss the many problems ailing the UNC community. Crisp sent Kyle a Google Poll earlier in the morning to collect his preliminary opinions on issues ranging from coal divestment to “if you would want to just hang out in the South Building sometime.”

Chancellor Carol Folt backed the decision to seek student views on the issues of the day. “When we’re discussing decisions that affect campus so profoundly, bringing a student voice to the table is imperative,” Folt said. “Kyle’s voice.”

“Kyle is so chill,” Folt continued. “For me, it’s not even that Kyle represents other students. I just want him to like me.”

Sources close to Kyle say he was “surprised and honored” to have his opinion sought by the trustees, but also that it “seemed kind of natural he’d be the one they’d go to,” considering the one time Kyle sent the DTH a never-to-be published letter about tuition rates.

Upgraded Alert Carolina Prescient

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Earlier this week, the Department of Public Safety rolled out the latest version of the Alert Carolina Emergency Notification System. Sources report that the new system’s creators have imbued it with the ability to see into the future.

“This is a big step forward in crime prevention,” said Jeff McCracken, Director of Public Safety. “Alert Carolina’s transcendence of the temporal realm will help us keep campus safe.”

Two days ago, at 2:48 am, Alert Carolina awakened UNC students with its first clairvoyant message: “Also the dragon, earthborn, in craftiness and lust cometh behind thee.” Heeding the warning, police arrested Chapel Hill resident Jerry Dragon, 48, as he began to stalk a UNC sophomore on Franklin Street at 3:17 am.

Several of Alert Carolina’s new features are still in development. Early Thursday morning, administrators sent an email notifying faculty, staff, and students that a preliminary test of the system’s new ‘Siren Song’ will be conducted on Tuesday, October 8th at 12:00 pm. “Be sure to cover your ears,” the message read, “and do not fall for the temptations that will be broadcast throughout campus.”

Despite the upgraded system’s immense power, law enforcement officials and members of the campus community are still struggling to interpret its messages, which have taken on an air of grave mystery since Alert Carolina gained prescience. At press time, the notification–“Now  your statues are standing and pouring sweat. They shiver with dread. The black blood drips from the highest rooftops. They have seen the necessity of evil.”–had prompted police to arrest every 18-35 year old black man in the Chapel Hill area on suspicion of indeterminate future crime.