Awkward Handshake Prevents Best Friendship

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CARRBORO, NC — In a fatal blow to the potential best friendship of Kyle and Dave, their hands met awkwardly during their first meeting. Both avid video gamers, geology minors, and fans of the TV show “New Girl,” the two were certain to become best friends until the handshake went awry.

Kelly, a mutual acquaintance, introduced the never-to-be-friends in front of the Undergraduate Library on Thursday evening. “Kyle and Dave have so much in common, and I swear their senses of humor are identical,” she said. “For some reason, they didn’t really seem to hit it off, though. Oh well.”

“We both sort of scrambled, and I could see it happening before my eyes, but there was nothing I could do,” said Kyle of the ill-fated greeting. “I’m so alone.”

Mandatory Interest Meeting Draws Crowd

CHAPEL HILL, NC —  Wednesday evening, confused students filed into Union Room 3254 for the Entrepreneurship Minor’s internship interest meeting.

The meeting, which every student pursuing the minor was compelled to attend, had record attendance. Attendee Clay Simpsons, scanning the room for the attendance sheet, described the interest meeting as “mandatory.”

Sheryl Cooper, Director of Obligatory Events for the Entrepreneurship Minor, said the meeting capitalized on the required interest that students have been showing since day one.

“It’s so great to see the enthusiasm these kids have for thinking outside the box once they are told to think that way,” she said.

Campus Y begins outreach program for Overprivileged Youth

CHAPEL HILL, NC – The Campus Y made history last week when it launched the first ever initiative aimed at reaching out to overprivileged youth in the triangle area.

“When I joined the Campus Y, there were absolutely no programs aimed at children from affluent, white, two-parent households,” said Chris Sanford, co-chair of the Campus Y’s outreach committee. “To completely ignore the needs of an entire demographic group goes against everything the Y stands for.”

“That’s why this program is so important,” he said.

The new program, known as Court2Court, brings UNC basketball players together with overprivileged members of UNC’s Greek system.

Last Friday, Point Guard Marcus Paige and Forward James Michael McAdoo spent the afternoon teaching members of the Sigma Nu fraternity how to make a layup.

“You have to remember, a lot of these kids were pretty heavily involved in extracurricular activities in high school,” said Anna Richardson, President of the Campus Y. “They might not have had an opportunity to play a sport other than lacrosse.”

When asked about the experience, McAdoo voiced surprise that many of the brothers “didn’t even know you could make money” playing basketball.

“If you don’t come from an overprivileged background, it can be hard to imagine some aspects of these kids’ daily existence,” McAdoo said. “For instance, some of them talked about how, over the summer, they were sent to places where they did long hours of menial work for no pay. They called them ‘internships.’ Anything we can do to give these guys a taste of normal life is worthwhile.”

If the program is successful, the Campus Y hopes to expand the Court2Court program to nearby communities.

“Durham has a huge overprivileged community; we really think we could work wonders there,” said Richardson, though she conceded that the program may be more difficult to implement than it has been in Chapel Hill, as “many of the basketball player in Durham come from overprivileged backgrounds themselves.”

Political Science Lab Evacuated after Policy Spill

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Late Thursday morning, the Kenan Political Science Lab for Social Responsibility in Ethical Relations to the Middle East and Southeast Asian Economic Spheres was evacuated due to a policy leak.

Daniel Shumpert, a student who was present in the lab at the time of the incident, says the leak came from a series of discussions on the shadow economy in China.

“We were discussing the Chinese banking system, and if you don’t pay attention, you end up with a broken policy and toxic assets everywhere” he said. “It’s a nasty situation.”

At press time, the cause of the policy leak is unknown, but as with many problems in the field, there are many theories and no clear right answer.

The high-profile spill has already triggered discussions across the country on what additional regulations, if any, should be put on political science labs dealing with toxic assets, which can cause serious danger if not properly contained.

“People are just pretending that if we don’t do anything, if we just sit there and let people discuss laissez-faire banking policy, that nothing will happen. That’s naive. If we don’t want more leaks, we need a change,” said political commentator Chris Hayes on his show All In.

Some contend, however, that increasing safety regulations on toxic asset liquidations will stifle the cutting-edge research being performed by the nation’s top political science labs.

“We don’t need the government, or anyone, telling our political scientists what experiments they can and can’t perform. We need them in the room, free to talk about toxic assets. They aren’t going to let these spills happen, because it’s not in their interest,” said conservative pundit Tucker Carlson in response to the calls for additional regulation.

The Kenan lab will be relocated to the Daily Grind coffeeshop during clean-up.

Speaker of NC House, Lead Singer of Radiohead Convene for Annual Thom Summit

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RALEIGH, NC — At the urging of friends and family, Thom Tillis, Speaker of the NC House, and Thom Yorke, lead singer of Radiohead, met in Raleigh to discuss issues prevalent to the Thom community.

“There are not many of us and that means we have to stick together,” said Tillis, a former Political Science minor.
 
Discussion focused around not being called Tom and what hair style best accents the name Thom. Both topics were tabled for later discussion.
 
“We will shrink and be quiet as mice / While the cat is away; do what we want / Do what we want,” said Yorke. Tillis nodded in agreement to the sentiment.

 

 

 

“Social Justice Yoga” Draws Privileged Crowd

CHAPEL HILL, NC — In a surprising twist of events, those attending “Social Justice Yoga” this past Friday were mainly white, upper-middle class and subtly condescending.

Attendee Courtney Blake called the event a great chance to talk about the need for changes in society with people of the exact same mindset and understanding of the world.

“I’ve never so free to just say what I felt, like, yeah I think the world needs to be changed and I’m not afraid to say that while doing Downward Facing Dog. And yeah, immigration policy needs to change,” said Blake to a crowd of white faces reminiscent of the cover of Being John Malkovich.

“It’s just good to feel accepted by people exactly like me, while also pretending to understand those with a completely different life experience.”

Department of Linguistics Releases Definition for “Hooking Up”

PRESS RELEASE FROM DEPARTMENT OF LINGUISTICS:

“It’s, well, yeah it’s ya know, ‘getting lucky.’ It’s not sex, well sometimes it is sex, but you sort of have to know who you are talking to in the situation. It’s usually not just straight up sex though. You have to be drunk though, right? Jim? Did we decide you have to be drunk? Fuck. We’ll get back to you.”