RALEIGH, NC — Late Saturday evening, Chapel Hill residents Linda and Brad Johnson celebrated the arrival of a beautiful baby girl and official living certificate that they had sex. The usually unintimate parents of Samantha Ruby Johnson were reportedly overjoyed to hold the brand new bundle of happiness and irrevocable evidence that they actually did it.
“There’s no describing the feeling of when Sammy first looked up at me and also of when I texted my male friends a picture of her with the caption ‘looks what I BANGED out,'” said Brad. “It was a joke, of course, but it’s true. Linda and I had sex, no matter what anyone says.”
Many acquaintances of Linda, a professor of mathematics at UNC-Chapel Hill, suspected she would never have sex. Colleagues have described her as “musty”, “rigid”, and a regular viewer of the Oxygen network.
“When I sent out an email to tell my students that I would have to take some time off for the baby, a lot of them congratulated me,” she said. “I bet tons of them pictured me having sex, or at least acknowledged the idea of it. That moment makes it all worthwhile.”
Sources speculate the couple will never have sex again.