CHAPEL HILL, NC – Crispin Pleasants was asking a harried junior for her signature when he learned that he had saved the environment. Pleasants, who has been described by sources around campus as annoying, self-righteous, and “potentially homeless,” graduated from UNC in 2009 and is currently unemployed.
“I guess I kinda had a feeling that I would be the one to do it,” Pleasants said. “Growing up, I always imagined bringing global warming, deforestation, and poaching to a halt by gathering signatures and donations in front of Ram’s Head. Now I’ve done it.”
The tipping point came when Pleasants collected the signatures of freshmen “Ben Dover”, “Jack Hoffman”, and “Suck My Balls” at approximately 9:15 AM. Shortly thereafter, scientists at UC Berkeley and the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reported that greenhouse gas emissions had returned to pre-Industrial Revolution levels, a herd of recently extinct West African rhinos emerged from a particularly thick clump of grass, and scientists at Duke University discovered a way to harness clean, renewable energy from the laughter of babies.
Packing up the contents of his desk, Ernest Moniz, President Obama’s Energy Secretary, reported that Pleasant’s efforts were “critical” to saving the environment. “No one has ever been as dedicated to hounding complete strangers for their signatures as Crispin is,” claimed Moniz. “The $7.35 he raised today basically erased the effects of the BP oil spill, along with every other environmental catastrophe ever. He is a remarkable young man.”
At press time, only Vice President Al Gore had challenged the claim that Pleasants saved the environment, tweeting repeatedly that “Crispin had nothing to do with it” and “it was all me.”