Mild-Bodied Man Considers Tanktop


CHAPEL HILL, NC — Early Tuesday morning, subtly doughy sophomore Sherman Albright contemplated wearing a tank top that he purchased earlier in the month. Unlike the rest of Albright’s wardrobe, the cotton garment is cut so as to reveal the young man’s unremarkable shoulders and biceps.

Standing shirtless in his dimly lit dormitory, Albright, who has body mass index is in the 61st percentile for his age range, characterized the tank top as a confident reflection of his fun, easy-going demeanor.

“Maybe it’s time to bring the guns out,” he said, reflexively altering his voice to affect ironic machismo.

The just-in-shape-enough man, who “worked out twice a week this summer and [plays] some ultimate frisbee,” went on to briefly and almost imperceptibly flex his biceps in front of his dorm room mirror.

Sources close to Albright say the tank top represents a bold fashion choice for the sophomore.

“Wearing a tank top could really show off the fact that’s he not fat,” said friend Susan Henderson. “I mean, it’s not like he’s ripped or anything, but you know, he’s not fat.”

At approximately 9:00 am, Albright committed to the tank top, slipping the garment over his ever-so-slightly toned shoulders. The man, whom sources speculate can do two or three pull-ups, also stuffed a sweatshirt into his backpack before leaving his dorm.

Periodically rubbing his upper arms to warm the pale, newly exposed segment of his body, Albright debuted the tank top to his 9:30 a.m. ECON 410 lecture. The sleeveless shirt received a silently mixed reception.

At press time, Albright was ordering three more tank tops online.

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