CHAPEL HILL, NC—This Monday, freshman hip-hop artist Miles Rubenstein, also known as Mealz, announced his plans to retire after the release of his forthcoming album, “Who’s House? Ehringhaus.”
“This game ain’t ever been easy,” Mealz told his roommate in their room earlier this week, pulling on the straps of his draw-string backpack from last year’s Fall Fest. “I mean, shit, I play because I can’t stay away.”
“Damn, hand me a pen. That rhyme was tight,” he added.
According to Mealz’s roommate, freshman biology major Jeremy Merken, Mealz’s decision to step down from his post as “Trap God” came after a late night spent studying for Professor Rita Balaban’s Economics 101 course.
“That night, [Mealz] came back from SASB totally dejected,” said Merken. “He just kept saying that ‘the rapper’s lifestyle’ was doing him dirty and that supply and demand curves couldn’t explain ‘the hustle.’”
When asked to comment whether his withdrawal from Chapel Hill’s hip hop scene is the result of a spat with rival freshman rapper Gram’s Head, Mealz told reporters that such rumors are unfounded.
“I get it, Biggie and ‘Pac get shot up over coasts and now y’all think my beef with Grams is scaring me off,” said Mealz, his mouth full of mac n’ cheese from Noodles & Company. “Fact is, my bars make his look like nursery rhymes. Kid’s straight out of Koury.”
Despite Mealz’s short-lived fame on South Campus, the hip-hop artist plans to continue spontaneously free-style rapping at parties and on the P2P, regardless of the setting’s mood or context. His collaborators, many of whom had never used Garage Band before college, say they’re always ready to “put some honey on another thick beat” for Mealz should he ever write a request on their doors’ erasable white boards.
“This ain’t the end of 3 Square Mealz A Day. You can believe that,” Mealz added, referring to the mixtape he recorded his senior year of high school. “Once Balaban hops off your boy’s back, look out for my EP, Late Night, Great Night. Shit’s gonna be dope.”