CHAPEL HILL, NC – Scott Jacobson was marked absent today after he entered a business class sporting olive green cargo shorts.
David Tillman, Jacobson’s professor in “Consulting Skills and Frameworks”, explained that cargo shorts are “totally unacceptable” in the business school. As soon as Jacobson walked in, Tillman asked him “what [he was] playing at” and if he had “any self-respect.”
“There is no right answer in consulting–that’s why it’s so lucrative–but there are definitely some wrong answers, and cargo shorts are always the wrong answer,” Tillman roared. “Consulting is all about convincing people that you are better than they are. Appearance is 90% of the job.”
Tillman spent the first fifteen minutes of class outlining the superiority of other students’ ensembles.
“Look at Jeremy, look at his chino shorts that end well above the knee, look at his boat shoes, his pastel polo. They scream old wealth. They scream yacht club. That’s the kind of douchebag I want to run my business,” he screamed as Johnson cowered in the corner of the John “Dyke” Peeples Classroom.
Tillman went on to compliment less traditional sartorial choices as well.
“Look at Mark, he’s wearing high athletic socks with flip flops and an LA Raiders sweatshirt for God’s sake. It looks like he robbed a homeless man. But it’s ballsy,” Tillman continued. “It’s a perfect mix of arrogance and nonchalance. That’s the kind of disaffected attitude that gets respect.”
Tillman relented only to pull in a passing colleague from the hallway. Professor Jim Wortham picked up the scolding where Tillman left off.
“Cargo shorts!” he seethed upon seeing Jacobson’s liberally pocketed vestment. “You’ve debased yourself Scott, and more importantly, you’ve debased Kenan-Flagler. I’d rather you weren’t here.”
Jacobson said that he was “blindsided” by the reaction to his shorts. “I don’t think I should be punished for dressing down for an 1:00 pm class on a Thursday. If I have to wake up early and go to class right before the weekend, I should be able to wear what I want.”
Jacobson added that the absence was especially damaging because attendance is “pretty much the only thing that matters” in Consulting Skills and Frameworks and he “wasn’t planning on coming all that much anyway.”
Coming from a Business student, this is GREAT! Hahahaha!
I could probably enjoy this terrible satire more if your background was pale nimbus, eggshell, or bone. My God, it even needs a watermark.
LA Raiders huh? You probably wear cargo shorts yourself.