ST. LOUIS, MO—Scrolling through emails in his office this morning, Holden Thorp, Provost at Washington University in St. Louis and former Chancellor of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, dedicated another few minutes to attempting to unsubscribe from the UNC HOPE Gardens listserv.

by C.D. Mock | The Minor

As some of you may know, my son Corey was expelled from the University of Tennessee, Chattanooga, because some irresponsible party-girl accused him of being a racist. I want you all to know, my son is NOT a racist.

My son is not alone. Young men at colleges and universities across the country are accused of being racists. It seems like you can accuse anybody of being a racist and the University will take the accuser’s side. These girls go out and drink, make bad decisions, then try to excuse their behavior by calling boys like my son racists.

I raised my son. I gave him good values. I know he’s not a racist. But apparently that doesn’t matter to Universities. They don’t care about justice. They don’t care about the Constitution. They just want to appease men-hating activist hags who think that all men are racists.

How many more of us will become falsely accused racists? How long will we let our sons be crucified as racists by these activists and whores? I taught my son never to discriminate against someone based on the color of their skin, and anyone who says differently is lying.

What? You mean he was accused of being a rapist?

Oh yeah, that’s totally possible.

DURHAM, NC—After announcing earlier this week that Duke’s Chapel would host its first-ever Muslim call to prayer, administrators made the decision to relocate the prayer to the Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp.

“The original decision to host the call to prayer in Duke’s Chapel was intended to unify the student body,” said Michael J. Schoenfeld, Duke’s Vice President of Public Affairs. “But it was not having the intended effect. We think Guantanamo is a place where everyone can feel comfortable with hearing the prayer. And this way, all the regular people on Duke’s campus can keep enjoying the Chapel the way it’s always been.”

Denying allegations that the administration’s change of heart arose after various Christian donors threatened to freeze their funding, Schoenfeld reasserted Duke’s commitment to equality and its students’ freedom of expression.

“There is a place for everyone in our democracy,” he said. “And the place for Islamic people is Guantanamo Bay. No administrators will impede students who want to go to Guantanamo to experience this beautiful tradition in the Islamic faith.”

Around Duke’s campus, students weighed in on the issue.

“This is clearly an affront to the freedom of religion enjoyed by so many diverse populations on Duke’s campus,” said sophomore Katherine Wiedman. “I had hopes the prayer at the chapel would make Duke a more welcoming place for everyone and underscore the principles of love that our religions hold in common.”

Other students’ opinions differed.

“Fuck ISIS,” said fraternity president Jeremy Kaplan.

“It just never came up,” he said.

CHAPEL HILL, NC–Gazing down on Chapel Hill’s campus, the sun casting shadows and light over the bricks, Quasimodo swings from the architecture of the Morehead Bell Tower, his deformed back unable to prevent his gleeful movement.

“This will be the semester,” he thought to himself, “I’m going to finally win her heart!”

Running his hands across the name, Governor John Motley Morehead, inscribed into the large bells to which he has dedicated his life to ringing, he could feel the new opportunities to find love with Esmeralda Boswell, sophomore Chemistry major, blossoming.

“She is a gypsy, I am a hunchback. We are misfits, outcasts, but cast out together!” Quasimodo emoted, beginning to launch into song.

Boswell, an active member of the Romani Coalition of Students and cocek dance group, has, according to sources close to her, remained ignorant of Quasimodo’s existence.

Claude Frollo, who oversees the bell tower’s operations on behalf of the university, said that no one should have heard of Quasimodo.

“He is a simple ugly monster!” screamed Frollo. “Not a man, not even human! He must stay up in his place, never to be seen.

“He shall continue ringing the bell each hour and sometimes playing a song that people might half recognize on random occasions,” he added.

Quasimodo, who has attempted before to win Esmeralda’s heart, still has begun the semester with joy, thinking that this may finally be the year in which it is possible.

“I can love! Love! Love!” he yelled, his arms pulling as the bells rung out across campus.

It has become a tradition for seniors to climb the bell tower at the end of each semester to console Quasimodo after another year of not convincing Esmeralda to love him.

CHAPEL HILL, NC – Taliban spokesman Aman Hasan announced a plan to ban the Globe Theatre’s traveling band of Shakespeare performers throughout the land of Pakistan.

“A man should play Caliban,” Hasan slammed, citing the recent rise of understudy Rita Balaban to replace Pierson Gran in the group’s version of The Tempest. “Some say we can, but there’s no need to cram a ma’am in that jam,” he added, munching on Raisin Bran.

The Globe’s tour began last month, out of a van in San Fran, after which they swam to Japan, then rode a lamb through Bhutan and a sedan through Sudan. They even took gold at a festival in Cannes.

However, their next stop, the northeastern city of Mardan in Pakistan recently fell to the Taliban, which can pose a problem as the new regime ran a scan and decided to can any female performers playing a man.

“I’m also not a fan of her Econ 101 final exam,” said Hasan of Balaban, a UNC art history graduate who studied Cezanne.

CHAPEL HILL, NC—As temperatures dropped into the single digits last week, students and faculty at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill experienced weather more commonly associated with prestigious universities in the Northeast.

“It was so chilly last week, I had to wear four layers,” said Junior Sally Handler, a New Jersey native. “Now I can wear my Carolina sweatshirt at home without feeling like I settled.”

Professors had a similar take on the situation.

“It’s hard to respect yourself as an academic when your students wear shorts to class,” explained Wendy Daniels, an associate professor in the history department. “All those red noses and scarves were a real ego boost.”

Peter Tugwell, a freshman Morehead-Cain scholar, said that last Thursday was the first time he had not regretted his decision to come to Carolina.

“I always imagined myself braving the cold of Harvard Yard to learn from the world’s greatest minds,” Tugwell elucidated. “Last week, I got at least part of that experience.”

When asked about the cold, Chacellor Fold said it reminded her of her tenure at Dartmouth.

“I almost forgot about the paper classes,” she added.