Smoldering Glance Exchanged Across Line for Printer in UL

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Chapel Hill, NC–Nathan Reinhart and Julia Gips, sophomores at UNC, startled and transfixed each other this week with a fleeting moment of eye contact while waiting in line for a printer in the Undergraduate Library.

“It happened around 3:00 pm on Wednesday, right before my biology class,” said Reinhart, who had been printing out the PowerPoint presentation of his professor’s forthcoming lecture. “I looked back over my shoulder to see if anyone else was in line. And her eyes. Her eyes as infinite as the guilt and loneliness that suddenly consumed me. I was Icarus, flying across the sun, rendered wingless as I fell back to the sea.”

Gips, who had been waiting to print out an essay for her Great Books seminar, remembered the glance with similar salience.

“It was only a second, maybe even less. But we were there. We were together, locked in a cage of lust and confusion. I had no idea what he was thinking, turning around like that. Two strangers, two humans.”

Though they had never formally met, Reinhart and Gips had seen each other sitting with respective friends in Top of Lenoir Dining Hall throughout this year.

“It was a piercing anonymity,” said Reinhart. “I remember she gave a sort of half-smile and looked back down at her phone, fully aware of the primal anxiety that had gripped me.”

“No names. No majors. No small talk about plans for Easter Break,” he continued. “It was real.”

Gips recalled Reinhart giving a curt nod before turning to face the printer again.

“It was subtle, like a courting bow,” said Gips. “It was lust incarnate.”

Things came to a head when Reinhart reached the printer and pulled his OneCard delicately out of his wallet.

“When he pulled it out, I could feel my body heating up in expectation,” said Gips. “I wasn’t sure if I was ready.”

Self-conscious and nearly trembling, Reinhart typed in his Onyen, and, in the same motion, vigorously swiped his OneCard through the reader.

“He was a little forceful, admittedly,” said Gips. “But at that point I didn’t care. We were everything then.”

The two are expected to completely avoid eye contact when they pass each other in Polk Place next week.

 

 

 

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The Weigh-In: Bar Controversies

Fitzgerald’s is being boycotted and He’s Not Here is not no longer allowing those under 21 into the bar. What’s your take?

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“Okay, so no one is talking about the athletic scandal? We are in the clear, right? Everything is okay again now, and we can just talk about bars and stuff. Back to just good ol’ college stuff. Like bars.”

Carol Folt, Chancellor

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“I think that Willingham’s data, as the independent reports have shown, is fundamentally flaw-wait what? That’s what we are talking about now? All we had to do was disprove that one researcher? Well yes, I think the Blue Cup needs to stay for 21 and up, and when there is a rule you need to enforce it.”

Roy Williams, Basketball Head Coach

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Fulks, meen lady wrung, afchletes cans reed gud… Huh? Yuh, me tink alegazacions four FutzGorald’s musht b taeken surieouslee.”

Jim Dean, Executive Vice Chancellor and Provost

 

Anthropology Department Forms Primitive Hunter-Gatherer Society

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CHAPEL HILL, NC – As the fires burn in Alumni Hall for the fifth day, it has become clear, according to reports from those close to faculty and graduate students, that the UNC Anthropology Department has formed a primitive hunter-gatherer society in its corner of McCorkle Place.

“The implications of [our] societal reversion are intriguing,” said Anthropology Professor Duncan Yunez, as he ate a squirrel he had speared in the Arboretum. “To see some of the most educated people in the country completely break down and form a socie…AHHHH! AHHHH! GET AWAY FROM MY FOOD PEACOCK, I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!”

“Sorry about that,” Yunez continued, lowering his weapon carved from a meter stick. “Ever since [Kenan Distinguished Professor James] Peacock began his colony in the southern halls, he has been trying to raid our territories,” he continued. “You know how academia can be–once you have tenure you think you can do anything.”

The reversion began early Monday morning, when an argument between professors over who got coffee first created a rift in the department.

“Most of us sided with [Department Chair Paul] Leslie. He had alpha male status and the most vicious post-docs,” whispered Professor Teran Izan while spying on a rival tribe in the conference room.

“From there things started splitting as different professors fought for control,” Izan continued. “There are a lot of interesting theories about how these sort of things happen. I actually wrote my dissertation on a processes of tribe subdivision in Papua New Guinea,” he said while notching an arrow created from rock art he had retrieved in Western Africa.

While other tribes have vied for power, Professor Leslie, crowning himself “Big Chieftain,” remains the most powerful in the department.

This morning, sitting on a throne of unfinished anthropology senior honors theses, Chieftain Leslie commanded his hunter-gathering squad of seventh-year graduate students to forage for food in nearby Polk Place with a resounding “GRAHH!” Some reports from inside his tribe have suggested that Lesilie is worried about a growing threat of rebellion, as many of his band have, in a time of scarcity, been forced to subsist on the leather elbow patches from their old tweed jackets.

“We microwave the patches in the grad student lounge and they get a little chewier. But this is no way to live,” said a glaze-eyed Gustav Helphöug, a Ph.D. candidate studying the connection between social media and ancient art from a Durkheimian perspective for a fifth year.

At press time, the Philosophy Department had begun forming a utopian society in Caldwell Hall. Efforts have stalled at the debate over how to equitably, but not necessarily equally, distribute the coffee mugs in the break room.

Thousands of Students Gather to Celebrate Holi, The Ancient Hindu Festival of New Profile Pictures

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CHAPEL HILL, NC — Throwing multi-colored powder into the air and onto each other, thousands of UNC students gathered at Hooker Fields last Friday for an observance of Holi, the ancient Hindu springtime festival of love, forgiveness, and new profile pictures.

“We try to keep our event inclusive but also very true to the spirit of the Hindu holiday,” said senior Anna Ridge, “Holi Moli” event coordinator. “For thousands of years in India, everyone from common villagers to Brahman has gathered in public places on Holi to bid farewell to winter, open their arms joyfully to each other, and pose for, as it’s translated from the ancient Sanskrit, ‘the kind of no-filter selfies that can turn even a Pinterest pariah into a social media superstar.'”

“Of course, something is bound to be lost in translation, but we like to think our celebration pays respect to cultural tradition by keeping the same focus,” she said.

According to UNC religious studies professor Tark Matthews, Holi’s origin lies in the symbolic legend of Holika, the evil sister of demon king Hiranyakashipu, who launched a Twitter account so popular that she thought she might soon rival even Vishnu in her number of followers.

“Holika grew arrogant, instigating a Twitter feud with Vishnu the likes of which had never been seen by man or god,” said Matthews.

He continued, saying Holika’s good nephew, Prahlada, who retweeted only Vishnu, tricked the Holika into her demise by making an anonymous gmail account and sending pictures of Vishnu with his body covered in garish bright pigments, saying that “Vishnu was SUPER embarrassed of them and did NOT want them spread around.”

Blinded by avarice, Holika publicized the photos on all her social media platforms, and people everywhere immediately praised Vishnu for being “fun,” “artsy,” and “so down-to-earth for the Supreme God of Vaishnavism,” allowing Vishnu to win the feud and forever secure his social media dominance.

Ever since, people have celebrated the demise of Holika and the cunning of Prahlada with the Holi festival, adorning themselves as Vishnu did to take new profile pictures each spring.

Carrboro resident and ascetic Sadhu holy man Gautham Singh said that, in contemporary times, Holi celebrations like the one at UNC serve as a yearly marker of rebirth that can be profoundly meaningful for people from all walks of life.

“Holi is a time for reinvigoration,” he said, “it is a time to shed our winter sadnesses and our profile pictures from ski trips and basketball games, replacing them instead with colorful outlooks and profile pictures that can last the whole year round.”

“And get seriously, like one hundred likes,” he added, “#popular.”

Next week, many UNC students are expected to observe Easter, the Christian celebration of marshmallow Peeps and having dinner with your family.

No One Sure How to Feel About Kid Who Goes Home Every Third Weekend

CHAPEL HILL, NC–First-year German Studies major Ryan Poole has been going home every third weekend since the start of his first semester, according to his roommate, Tim Childress. Childress, like most of Poole’s acquaintances and friends, said that he is not sure exactly how to feel about the frequently homebound freshman.

“It’s not like there’s anything that weird about him, ya know? But, like, why does he go home that often? What is he doing there?” said Childress in an interview.

Childress met Poole on move-in day last semester, though Poole had moved into Craige residence hall 45 minutes earlier than Childress and had organized his half of the room before Childress’s arrival.

“All of his stuff was already laid out,” said Childress. “He told me to let him know if I didn’t like the arrangement of our room, but I wasn’t going to say anything, ya know?”

Poole and Childress have spoken little since that first encounter, especially because Poole goes home approximately every third weekend. 

“Most of the time I never even see him leaving,” said Childress. “He just comes back on Sunday nights, usually talking about something funny his dog did over the weekend. I laugh because it’s uncomfortable if I don’t.”

Childress was, at first, concerned that Poole wasn’t making friends at UNC, but he has since seen Poole socializing around campus.

“He’s always hanging out with this little Filipino guy,” said Childress. “They sit really close together and are always talking in hushed tones. I feel like they’re whispering about me.”

Like Childress, other students in Craige have started to feel, if not uncomfortable, at least uneasy around Poole.

“This one night, we were drinking a few beers and hanging out in Tim’s room,” said first-year Jared Gorman. “Ryan was just lying on his bed the whole time, throwing a tennis ball at the ceiling and humming to the tune of ‘Pump It’ by the Black Eyed Peas. Then he left to go finish writing a paper because it was Thursday, and he said that he was going to drive home after his classes in the morning.”

“I don’t know about that guy,” he added. 

When asked about Poole’s frequent trips home and his relationship with his dog, Poole’s mother, Karen Poole, seemed confused.

“Ryan told you we have a dog?” she said. “We don’t have a dog.”

 

A List You’ll Totally Click On: 4 GREAT Ways to Work Productively

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It’s almost exam time again (UH OH!) and that means everyone needs to work productively. Here are 4 GREAT ways to make sure you don’t end up on Facebook (lol we’ve been there) and stay studying.

1. Look at a picture of everyone who has ever believed in you and know you would be letting them down.

If you are getting bogged down in work, just remember that you would be letting down every single person who has ever believed in you. From your parents, who are paying for your education, to the teachers in high school that wrote your letter of recommendations, you’d be letting all of those people down. Every moment you don’t spend working would result in their immediate and long lasting disappointment. ROFLCOPTER! That should help you focus and do well!

2. Never forget that failure is a slippery slope leading to a lonely death.

Always keep at the top of your mind that one failure only leads to another, and if you fail once–at anything–you will end up in a ditch, unidentifiable to any of those who love you. Studies have shown that if you are not perfect that you will die earlier, more horrifically and feel the pain of loneliness as your eternal spirit walks in the ethereal plane. HAHA! That’ll keep your head in those textbooks!

3. Be aware that your life trajectory can fundamentally change.

It can be extremely important to realize that any small mistake can lead to a completely different life. In one world you ace the test and get a good paying job, you golf on the weekends and the kids play out back. Your daughter, Becky, does gymnastics and your son, Sam, has a good right arm for a kid his age. You and your wife make passionate love each night and each morning you are awakened by a sun that seems to never stop shining. In another world you fail the test and you live among the bums that are rumored to haunt Howell Hall. You slowly try to survive under the rule of the Bum King Urzecash, Lord of Howell Hall. One morning, waking around 6:00 am to scatter the old building before workers arive, Urzecash strides with his entourage towards you. Pointing and laughing, he instructs them to kill you for morning entertainment. After your death, they throw your body atop the hall, where no soul has been in 20 years, to rot with the sun. LAWL! I know a story like that will keep you working!

4. Don’t stress!

Studies have shown that stress can lead to poor test results, so make sure to keep calm, cool and collected.

Guy in Turtleneck Not About to Raise His Hand Before Speaking in Philosophy Class

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CHAPEL HILL, NC—Ascribing himself to an etiquette of open scholastic dialogue, the man sporting a maroon turtleneck is not about to raise his hand before offering his thoughts in your 20-person philosophy class.

“Um, well I think,” began the warm-necked man, apparently not noticing his classmate who had started to raise her hand, “that we are seeing a difference in definitions of morality. We really must distinguish between categorical and hypothetical imperatives if we hope to appeal to anything beyond sui generis constructs.”

The man let his argument unfold slowly and contemplatively over the next 90 seconds, pausing, at points, to puzzle over interesting questions implied in his discourse and nodding toward your professor each of the many times he mentioned an assigned reading.

As all other students persisted in raising their hands before speaking, the man intermittently looked up from his Moleskine notebook and heavily annotated text to articulate his views without warning several times more. Occasionally, he followed classmates’ comments by trying to engage them in direct dialogue, an effort which was not reciprocated.

Even so, many in the class were impressed, if not also intimidated, by the man whose neck was almost completely covered by a birthday gift from his mother.

“When he jumps right into speaking without raising his hand, you can see he understands the concepts so fully,” said classmate Gill Sanders. “I hope he won’t mind if I ask him to study with me.”

On the tail end of his fourth consecutive response to the professor’s questions, the man quipped that he “knew he was dominating the discussion a little bit” and that he was “interested to hear what the others have to say.”

While each of the next several questions was followed by longer-than-usual silence, the man looked in anticipation at his classmates before pursing his lips and giving a knowing look to the professor.

He then, without raising his hand, said that he would “venture out onto the ice, if need be,” and spoke virtually uninterrupted for the last three minutes of class.

Speaking to reporters afterward, your professor said that he took notice.

“From practically the first day of class, James dispensed entirely with raising his hand,” he said. “It’s clear that he’s here for a serious academic discussion. If only the other students were so mature! Alas, it is as if James and I are engaging in a Socratic tutelage or conversing in a Parisian salon amidst a sea of hand-raising plebeians.”

“Hand raising. What a laugh,” he said. “I never did it myself.”