Stresses Listed

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CHAPEL HILL, NC–Greeting her housemates after a Sunday of paper-writing, junior political science major Rebecca Forester took an opportunity to list her many stresses.

“Guys, I have to go work on this paper,” began Forester, standing with one strap of her book bag on her shoulder as if about to continue to her room. “I’ve been at the library working on it, but I basically got nothing done. I have so much to do tonight.”

Many of those present sympathized with Forester. “Dude that sucks,” remarked Alex Wright before turning back to the UNC basketball game on television.

“Yeah, this paper is huge and there are like only three graded assignments for the class. I have no idea what the professor expects,” continued Forester as she put her backpack down and sat in a chair beside Calber. “Who are we playing?”

“UAB, and we’re down four,” Calber replied without looking away from the TV. “Want a beer?”

“I don’t know, I have 3 papers due in the next few days,” said Forester, “I really have to bang this thing out tonight. But I guess I’ll have one. Down four to UAB, what the fuck?”

Forrester watched the game in silence for the next 5 minutes before going to the bathroom.

“Fuck,” she said as she returned to the living room and sat back down beside Calber, “I have so much work. I have those 3 papers due this week. And I have this group project, but everyone in my group is a complete idiot slacker, so I’ll have to do that. Then I have a memo due for that public policy class, which is just gonna be annoying to write. Then I have four finals in two days. And I have to go talk to my Mom about my rent situation and then pay for that parking ticket I got the other day.”

“You have 3 papers due this week?” asked Calber.

“Well, one of them is this long one I’m about to go write,” Forester replied, “and then the other two are, like, one-page responses to this book that we have been reading all semester.”

“I can’t believe we lost,” she said as she finished her second beer.

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Beanie Guy Secretly Bald Guy

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CARRBORO, NC — In a shocking turn of events this afternoon, patrons of the Open Eye Café in Carrboro saw beanie guy Erik Stallings, 34, revealed to be a bald guy.

“I was standing in line at the cash register,” recounted witness Daniella Ortiz,” and I saw the beanie guy sitting at a table near the counter. He looked like he always does. I’ve seen him [at Open Eye] a hundred times, always wearing that same beanie. But as he was sitting there today, a woman who had just picked up a hot cup of coffee from the bar sort of tripped on the leg of his chair and spilled some of her drink on the back of his head.”

Wilson Sharpe, who was sitting at a table adjacent to Stallings’s at the time of the incident, described what happened next.

“[Stallings] yelled something,” said Sharpe, “and he stood up and whipped off his beanie to look at where the coffee had spilled on it. A second later, he realized what we all had seen, but by then it was too late.”

Ortiz said that she felt surprised and betrayed.

“Before I knew what was happening, I was staring at his sweaty, pale scalp and the thin, matted hair that only covered the edges of it,” she said. “I always assumed that the beanie was just his style, or maybe that his head was cold. I don’t know what I thought. But it never occurred to me that he was hiding something.”

“You see someone all the time, and I guess you naturally assume the best of them,” she said. “But it turns out that no one had a clue.”

Bartender Thannon Woods, who was on duty at the time of the incident and described himself as “a casual acquaintance” of Stallings, expressed similar astonishment.

“I’ve always assumed that he has a full head of hair,” he said. “He has a beard, and his sideburns are so thick. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say right now.”

According to multiple sources and UNC-CH records, Stallings is a third-year graduate student in the Department of Physics and Astronomy. Associates there described him as “friendly” and “quiet,” saying that he never showed hints of his secret.

“I met Erik when we were first-years here,” said fellow graduate student Wayne Fan, “and for all the time that I’ve known him, I’ve thought of him as nothing more than a beanie guy. I shudder to think that I was talking and working with a bald guy the whole time.”

Upon hearing reports of this afternoon’s incident, Don and Martha Stallings said they were aghast to learn the truth about their son.

“Of course we knew Erik was bald,” they said in a statement to the press. “We could never have imagined that he had become a beanie guy.”

A List You’ll Totally Click On: The 10 BEST Egg Places On Rosemary Street

Rosemary is the place to go for eggs. But which Rosemary egg joints are the BEST?

1. Breadman’s Restaurant

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When anyone talks about eggs on Rosemary, they talk about Breadman’s. YUM!

2. Mama Dip’s

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A Southern legend, this lady knows how to cook up some eggs. OMG, meet ya there!

3. Holy Trinity Lutheran Church

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Jesus Christ, look at those eggs!

4. The Daily Tar Heel

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Here’s a quote: “Wow, eggs!”

5. Jeffrey C. West, DMD, General Dentistry

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I can’t even. No. These eggs. 

6. Bread & Butter Bakery and Café

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Bread + Butter + Eggs = OMGASM!

7. Pi Kappa Phi House

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Sooooooooooo gooooood!

8. Pulse Nightclub

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#rager #eggs

9. Chapel Hill Parking Garage

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Hot parking spots and even hotter eggs!

10. PNC Bank

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What does PNC stand for, Pretty Nice Cooking!? These eggs ROCK!