“Social Justice Yoga” Draws Privileged Crowd

CHAPEL HILL, NC — In a surprising twist of events, those attending “Social Justice Yoga” this past Friday were mainly white, upper-middle class and subtly condescending.

Attendee Courtney Blake called the event a great chance to talk about the need for changes in society with people of the exact same mindset and understanding of the world.

“I’ve never so free to just say what I felt, like, yeah I think the world needs to be changed and I’m not afraid to say that while doing Downward Facing Dog. And yeah, immigration policy needs to change,” said Blake to a crowd of white faces reminiscent of the cover of Being John Malkovich.

“It’s just good to feel accepted by people exactly like me, while also pretending to understand those with a completely different life experience.”

Department of Linguistics Releases Definition for “Hooking Up”

PRESS RELEASE FROM DEPARTMENT OF LINGUISTICS:

“It’s, well, yeah it’s ya know, ‘getting lucky.’ It’s not sex, well sometimes it is sex, but you sort of have to know who you are talking to in the situation. It’s usually not just straight up sex though. You have to be drunk though, right? Jim? Did we decide you have to be drunk? Fuck. We’ll get back to you.”

I Need Something For My Summer Job Applications

By Daily Tar Heel Staff Writer

I need a summer internship or want to move up the ranks at the DTH. In order to do this, I need to write a “long story.”

So, I write a nice little intro here, it really does not even say that much, I am just writing an intro to really extend out this article, which if reported normally, would be way shorter, but I need a long one so I can get apply for things this summer.

Now, I am going to transition it here. Have a quote.

“PLEASE, I WANT TO BE A JOURNALIST!”

DESTINY

Then I start to divide up the sections and it gives this impression I am telling some long narrative. However, I am just reporting a very normal story.

Source 2, “I think that this writer clearly deserves to get an internship, look at this quote that probably was taken out of context, but still works for this story.”

Source 3, “It is okay that they are reporting out of context here, because they are just kids!”

“QUOTE FROM THE ARTICLE”

Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.Bullshit.

GIVE ME A FUCKING INTERNSHIP THIS SUMMER

Ending. Resolution.

Snappy quote to wrap it up.

Local Glory Hole Gets Multiple Reviews on Yelp

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In an unexpected surge of social media hype, a glory hole located in Davis Library has received two reviews on Yelp!

One reviewer, janitor Jefferson Edwards, called the wall orifice, “a delight,” describing it as, “a rustic treasure that keeps giving! Whether you’re a first-timer or a regular,” he continued, “the Davis Library glory hole is sure to tickle your fancy.”

The hole, made in 2013 by UNC system President Thomas Ross, has had trouble gaining notoriety until recently. It is one of the installments of the “Useless Ovals We Pay For Collection,” that included the UNC-Duke portal.

Ross says he is happy to see the wooden portal to stranger sex is getting the attention it deserves.

“Kids these days don’t want to just read about a glory hole in the newspaper or hear it from their parents. They want to experience it first-hand,” Ross said. “I can’t wait to see how students, faculty, and staff get creative with this new resource.”

“Who knows,” he added, “I may wind up getting in there myself.”