Political Science Lab Evacuated after Policy Spill

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Late Thursday morning, the Kenan Political Science Lab for Social Responsibility in Ethical Relations to the Middle East and Southeast Asian Economic Spheres was evacuated due to a policy leak.

Daniel Shumpert, a student who was present in the lab at the time of the incident, says the leak came from a series of discussions on the shadow economy in China.

“We were discussing the Chinese banking system, and if you don’t pay attention, you end up with a broken policy and toxic assets everywhere” he said. “It’s a nasty situation.”

At press time, the cause of the policy leak is unknown, but as with many problems in the field, there are many theories and no clear right answer.

The high-profile spill has already triggered discussions across the country on what additional regulations, if any, should be put on political science labs dealing with toxic assets, which can cause serious danger if not properly contained.

“People are just pretending that if we don’t do anything, if we just sit there and let people discuss laissez-faire banking policy, that nothing will happen. That’s naive. If we don’t want more leaks, we need a change,” said political commentator Chris Hayes on his show All In.

Some contend, however, that increasing safety regulations on toxic asset liquidations will stifle the cutting-edge research being performed by the nation’s top political science labs.

“We don’t need the government, or anyone, telling our political scientists what experiments they can and can’t perform. We need them in the room, free to talk about toxic assets. They aren’t going to let these spills happen, because it’s not in their interest,” said conservative pundit Tucker Carlson in response to the calls for additional regulation.

The Kenan lab will be relocated to the Daily Grind coffeeshop during clean-up.

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