Awkward Handshake Prevents Best Friendship

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CARRBORO, NC — In a fatal blow to the potential best friendship of Kyle and Dave, their hands met awkwardly during their first meeting. Both avid video gamers, geology minors, and fans of the TV show “New Girl,” the two were certain to become best friends until¬†the handshake went awry.

Kelly, a mutual acquaintance, introduced the never-to-be-friends in front of the Undergraduate Library on Thursday evening. “Kyle and Dave have so much in common, and I swear their senses of humor are identical,” she said. “For some reason, they didn’t really seem to hit it off, though. Oh well.”

“We both sort of scrambled, and I could see it happening before my eyes, but there was nothing I could do,” said Kyle of the ill-fated greeting. “I’m so alone.”

Mandatory Interest Meeting Draws Crowd

CHAPEL HILL, NC — ¬†Wednesday evening, confused students filed into Union Room 3254 for the Entrepreneurship Minor’s internship interest meeting.

The meeting, which every student pursuing the minor was compelled to attend, had record attendance. Attendee Clay Simpsons, scanning the room for the attendance sheet, described the interest meeting as “mandatory.”

Sheryl Cooper, Director of Obligatory Events for the Entrepreneurship Minor, said the meeting capitalized on the required interest that students have been showing since day one.

“It’s so great to see the enthusiasm these kids have for thinking outside the box once they are told to think that way,” she said.