CHAPEL HILL, NC — After kvetches last week revealed UNC students have been annoyed by the charity organization Dance Marathon, spokesmen for the UNC Lineberger Comprehensive Cancer Center announced today that their researchers are working harder than ever to end Dance Marathon by curing cancer.

“Bringing an end to the human suffering caused by cancer was my motivation for getting into this field,” said Dr. Gregory Andrews, Director of the Clinical Research Program at UNC Hospitals, “but after hearing how much students have been bothered by Dance Marathon lately, I’ve been inspired anew. I refuse to accept the state of a world where students are pestered by chipper peers in silly costumes asking them to volunteer for a charity fundraiser. The thought of those poor young people walking to Davis has kept me hard at work.”

Tristan Cooper, spokesman for UNC Hospitals, said that the kvetches made clear why cancer research is important. “Through research, we can address the fundamental problems in our world, like Dance Marathon. At UNC Hospitals, we always strive to remain cognizant of our first priorities.”

Dr. Anna Tender, a researcher at the Lineberger Center and a 2004 UNC graduate, said she choose to research cancer in part because of Dance Marathon.

“The damage of Dance Marathon was unspoken, but it touched virtually everyone,” she said of her time as an undergraduate. “I realized that the only way to end Dance Marathon was to cure cancer, so that’s what I’ve dedicated my life to doing.”

Students say they are grateful that researchers are inspired by their plight.

“It is time someone finally took notice of our suffering,” said Clay Winthrop, sophomore Geology major. “I want to live in a world where no one has to live in fear of cancer and, more importantly, the only person bothering me in the Pit is a crazy old man with a Bible.”