A Glorious Analysis of Basketball: UNC’s NCAA Tournament Match-Ups


March Madness has arrived and the UNC men’s basketball team is set to compete in the NCAA tournament. Working on special assignment for The Minor, North Korean college basketball analyst Jin Mee Kim, veteran Pyongyang journalist and recipient of the 2007 Kim Jong-Il Award for Transcendent Writing in the Glorification of  the Workers’ Party of Korea, will offer his insights and perspectives on the Tar Heels as the team looks to advance through the bracket.  

Jin Mee Kim | The Minor

After a resplendent and toilsome 32-0 season, the Tar Heel Basketball Juggernaut marches into March Madness with it heart full of divine fire and its soul brimming with glory. Rumors of inconsistent play, weakness of free throw shooting, and off-court problems are salacious and untrue. They are spread by the conniving and imperial agents of Duke and its allies, who are destined to be destroyed in their gluttonous, New-Jersey bred perversion. Can UNC be defeated by its scheming and derelict enemies? Quite not. The players are too skillful! The fatherland of Chapel Hill is too bounteous! The spirit of Great Leader Roy Williams, who is well known to have sprung full-grown from the loins of Eternal Coach Dean Smith, is too powerful! Victory is assured so long as the labor and pure wishes of the people are with the Leader. The Mightful Tar Heels’ match-up for the opening round of competition is expectantly analyzed below, along with match-ups against the futile opponents UNC is expected to come against in the following two rounds. Read so that you may acquaint yourself with the predestined triumph.

Round 1: UNC vs. Providence

The Match-up: It is true that the Providence Friars have pleaded surrender before this contest, so sure are they to be irreparably shattered by the Blue Fist of Righteousness. In the wisdom of Competition, this earnest entreaty was denied by Roy Williams, Who Whispers in the Ears of Mountains and Makes Them Chuckle with Delight. Denizens of the accursed and dying Big East, Providence enters this game woefully ill-suited to a contest of basketball: with only a six-man rotation and a 42.6 field-goal percentage, which is a full 57.4 percentage points below that of UNC.

Prediction: UNC: 347 Providence: 7

Round 2: UNC vs. Iowa State

The Match-up: Roy Williams, The Great Sun of the Tar Heel Nation, has said of the Cyclones: “only upon the head of a pig could a three-seed be more undeservedly given.” Under the hapless lead of Fred “The Child” Hoiberg, Iowa State has a defense of weakness and futility, allowing 73.9 points per game. So vigorously is Marcus Paige expected rain three pointers on the Cyclones that the opposing players may drown in them before the game is done.

Prediction: UNC 832 Iowa State 31

Round 3: UNC vs. Connecticut

The Match-up: With  propensity for unfair and seditious tactics, UConn may provide a tighter contest than other foes. Even so, Dear Leader Williams, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have, is not phased by the opposition of UConn coach Kevin Ollie, a neophytic oaf suspected of sex crimes. The Huskies weakness of rebounding will appear as especially feeble against UNC’s front court, who, with incomprehensible heft and hands softer than those of maidens, will carry the team to victory.

Prediction: UNC 217 Connecticut 11

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