by Executive Vice Chancellor and Provost Jim Dean

Fulks, I knew mny of u, lke my, r upset bi nuws that UNC studont-athfletes cn’t reed good. Their iz a meen book lady, Mary Willengheam, who saes she haz a data showeng that menee UNC steaunant atfleates cn’t reed good. Data meen lot of beg words, nd nuhmburs to. But unitil lady cnn teech me 2 reed theez data, eym nt taking her alegazacions veree sereiously. Niether shood u.

Me juic went to sey, the alegazacions bi meen lady r steuped. Meen book lady doo not knw bout fotbol nd  baascketbal sports. She lady! Guy fulk, lke me, knw fotbol n we guod at fotbol. Mi not reed data, so ’till mi can reed mi not have aneething mor to say on the matar.

Unc sport good. Meen lady bad. unc sport run fst, unc sport win! What meen lady du? Reed big book? Hmph. She sez everybodee need too reed big book tew. Me no reed book! Me Dean! Ansd atfletes certainley not need reed big book. They need run, jmp, win!!

Peeple lke unc sport! Mi lke unc sport! Peeple buy many tiket 4 unc! $$$$! Mi tink meen lady talk abaut data, cause meen lady reed n tink she spcial. But shee nit spcial. UNC sport spcial! Tey no reed bg book, n tey win!

Data? Meen lady got frum book, steupid book! Data no take.