This week, The Minor is profiling the candidates running for student body president. Today, we get to know Traffic Cone.

CHAPEL HILL, NC – Traffic Cone always knew he would end up at UNC.

“I grew up with it,” he said. “My family and I would come to every UNC basketball game to help direct traffic. Even then, I knew that I wanted to call this place home.”

A stellar high school student, Traffic Cone burst onto campus with energy and enthusiasm after being admitted to UNC. Early in his first year, he took a leading role in Safewalk, establishing a program called Students Pointing Out Things That Evoke Danger (SPOTTED) to raise awareness about slippery surfaces and potholes on campus.

“I started [SPOTTED] because that’s something I really believe in – pointing out a problem without really posing a solution,” he said. “That’s exactly what UNC needs in a student body president.”

Throughout his childhood, Traffic Cone was called a pushover for his diminutive stature and pointy shape, but he quickly learned to make up for this with bright colors and a winning personality.

“I used to be worried that I stand out – it made me the object of ridicule. However, now I use it to my advantage in order to keep my community safe.”

Last year, Traffic Cone built a reputation for standing guard around missing bricks outside Ram’s Head. An easy face to recognize, he managed to collect the signatures he needed to get on the student body president ballot in a record-setting three hours. He took this as a strong endorsement for his platform of Safety, Awareness, and Pointing Things Out, and has been campaigning on those points ever since.

“I think students are really concerned with the same issues that I am. And as student body president, I will work hard to bring attention to these issues.”

When asked about what he would do to solve these issues, Traffic Cone countered that “more than anything, it’s about visibility rather than action.”

Traffic Cone chose not to respond to questions about his alleged nightly habit of getting inserted into and stacked on top of other cones, a rumor that is sure to persist come election day.

As election season heats up, The Minor will have all the coverage as it breaks. Our Senior Intrepid Political Reporters,  Carly Burns and Bobbi Wood, are on the pulse of the story, with constant news updates on the politics shaping our campus.

Bobbi Wood and Carly Burns | The Minor

The first debate between student body president candidates is in the books. After Wilson Parker, President of the Young Democrats, gaffed the opening coin toss, the proceedings began, and candidates brawled over policies for a little over an hour. So, who won and who lost?

Winners

Lee Storrow-

One hundred percent of the candidates said that they supported the liberal stalwart in the the 2013 Town Council race, despite the fact that he was not up for re-election last year. An extremely strong showing.

Andrew Powell-

Despite a difficult start in the debate, Powell more than made up for it by sharing hard statistics about real problems and advocating big ideas.

Emilio Vicente-

Despite a difficult start in life, Vicente more than made up for it by defying hard statistics about real problems and advocating big ideas.

Blind Lemon Jefferson-

Interrupting Wilson Parker’s introduction to the debate with a bluesy wail that came from the depths of his soul, Jefferson captivated the crowd. No one gave one good-god-damn who could strum the guitar best that day, only who had the heart to sing for something simple as a long day’s work.

John Kerry-

Kerry gave a polished performance, but his locally tailored references to Sean May and Franklin Street Pizza and Pasta seemed dated.

UNC Young Democrats-

In order to avoid embarrassing their progressive reputation, Young Dems gracefully talked themselves into endorsing Emilio, despite his relatively bland performance.

Losers

Strange red-haired man-

No one was sure why this man stood near the candidates and spoke intermittently. Some speculated he was Andrew Powell’s helper.

Traffic cone-

The cone seemed stiff at times, unwilling to let the student body in.

Nikita Shamdasani-

An interception late in the third quarter sealed her fate.

UNC Young Democrats-

In order to avoid embarrassing their progressive reputation, Young Dems gracefully talked themselves into endorsing Emilio, despite his relatively bland performance.

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Thursday evening, The Center for the Study of the American South honored philanthropist and UNC professor emeritus Dr. Roland Everest with a ceremony that culminated in the Interim Director of the center blowing smoke up Dr. Everest’s ass.

The event, which took place in the Peebles Dining Room of the Carolina Club, celebrated Dr. Everest’s recent donation of $1.2 million, which will fund various symposia in the Southern Oral History Program. In attendance were a number of professors and distinguished community members.

After an introductory speech by Associate Director Patrick Horn, Everest made his way to the podium while Interim Director Kenneth Jankin prepared the bellows, drawing smoke into them from a small, portable wood stove.

“Friends, faculty, colleagues,” he began, as Everest placed his elbows on the podium, arching his back to allow Jankin to position the bellows behind him, “I’m delighted today to honor a man who has given The Center for the Study of the American South not only a wonderful gift, but also a remarkable vision.”

Jankin then vigorously pumped smoke up Everest’s ass for the next five minutes.

When Jankin finished, Everest gave a polite nod and thanked the crowd.

“I am humbled by this honor,” the philanthropist said as he pulled up his pants. “The Southern Studies Department has always held a special place in my heart.”

After the ceremony, Everest took time to speak with friends and reporters, offering thoughts on the ceremony and his donation. “Having smoke blown up my ass felt good,” he said, “but giving back to an institution I truly care about is what will give me lasting satisfaction.”

Guests lauded Everest and spoke glowingly of the smoke-blowing.

“This was a fitting honor,” said Terry Rhodes, Senior Associate Dean for Fine Arts and Humanities. “The University is grateful for Dr. Everest’s generosity and will certainly continue to blow smoke up his ass.”

Everest’s donation, along with a $2 million gift from noted alumna Susan Barnes-Chuzlick, will ensure that the center will continue to help students pursue their interests in the American South. Barnes-Chuzlick will have her dick sucked in an honorary ceremony next week.

By Road Zimmerman | The Minor

Polyvisual Records’ new release, The Third Invasion, is a compilation tape featuring the quintessential work of Palestinian Noise-Pop-Folk trios currently working in and around the San Francisco Bay Area. A bootleg, the record was compiled from other previous commercial releases, and the result is a new artistic endeavor that points toward the true definition of this scene. As always on The Tune-In, I’ll go through the project song-by-song, providing the context that makes this music listenable.

Track #1) “MI$$LES” by The Humeadore’s Revenge (SILENT BUSHES RECORDS)

Famous for their previous work with the noise that occurs during blood transfusions, The Humeadore’s Revenge (known more commonly as HR), embody Palestinian N-P-F Bay Area flavor with their live-animal performance of “MI$$LES.” Recorded using exclusively goats and goat sub-breeds, “MI$$LES” is a dynamic opening track that shows the punch these artists can deliver.

Track #2) “The Smithfield Papers” by Introversion (DUCK’S BILL RECORDINGS)

Once Introversion was signed by Duck’s Bill, it seemed obvious they’d follow in the line of greats like Mozaques. But I don’t think anyone was prepared for this track. Known for their utilization of phone jacks ripped out of foreclosed homes, Introversion has a sound that embodies the unspeakable pain so many Palestinians have escaped and a lucky few listeners must now endure.

Track #3) “Gaza” by ESPN Anchor Bill Seward’s Haircut (BLIND KANGAROOS)

A powerful sonic display, ESPN Anchor Bill Seward’s Haircut (known in some circles as Seward’s Cut) has long been on the list of bands to watch in this scene. Using old Powerade bottles, exclusively those for the fruit punch flavor, they create a wonderland of sounds by cutting, hitting, throwing, licking, and defiling the bottles. Though their past work was less thoughtful and involved the use of a guitar, Seward’s Cut has evolved to create, in “Gaza,” a political protest song so potent that the Palestinian government considered banning it, “to protect the people from that noise.” You know you are doing something right when a government tries to ban you.

Track #4) “Lorde, I’m Coming” by The Dante Quartet (PEACH)

The Dante Quartet, taking its name from a series of Brakhage films, sits atop this scene. They’ve been the critics’ darlings for years, and today they are by far the most popular act working. With songs like “Lorde, I’m Coming” they have brought unprecedented commercial success to Palestinian N-P-F Bay Area scene, selling 14 albums, including 10 to college radio stations. Only time will tell if they can maintain the faint, almost inaudibly high-pitched sound that carried them to the top.

Track #5) “PUSSYSHITFUCKBALLS” by L***** (rhymes w/coyote) (ORPHAN MOTHER)

Known for their stance of not “doing shows” or “putting out music,” L**** has taken their artistry to a new level with “PUSSYSHITFUCKBALLS.” For its commercial release, the group recorded over the actual track with an audio file of a 2008 Access Hollywood interview with Nicholas Cage. The interview stands in place of what “PUSSYSHITFUCKBALLS” could be–it could be the song that defines a generation.

Road Zimmerman hosts the “Is This Music? Hour: Wider Sounds” on WXYC from 6:00 pm to 7:00 pm on Thursdays and is an avid reader of Cellar Door.

CHAPEL HILL, NC–Saying that they intend to “advocate for change” and “address the most pressing issues faced by the University community,” smiling, well-dressed students from all walks of life squeezed close together all around campus this week to make a difference.

“In the 21st century, Carolina is facing big challenges,” said one young man, whose khakis-clad thighs were pressed tight against those of his diverse peers, his face a vision of progress. “By smiling side-by-side in public, we’re doing everything we can to address them.”

Clusters of convivial, high-minded young adults have appeared everywhere from in front of the Old Well to the steps of the South Building, to the exact center of the Pit. Around the state, policymakers have started to take notice.

“I’ve been working to make UNC less accessible, less safe, and less academically excellent,” said Thom Tillis, Speaker of the NC House of Representatives, “but with so many emboldened, multi-cultural clumps of students cropping up in picturesque spots around Chapel Hill, well… maybe I have another thing coming.”

Many in the UNC-CH community expressed support of the tastefully attired, heterogeneous bands of youths.

“These students get what activism and advocacy are all about,” said UNC political science professor Sonya Tichwell. “As long as they keep congregating outside with their heads held high, it’s hard to imagine that they won’t succeed.”

Though the energetic, well groomed members of each gathering expressed preference for their own spunky bunch over others, all seemed united in their resolve to make Carolina great by standing next to each other in just the right natural light.

“We’re here to create a more engaging, more positive learning environment for all students at UNC,” one Carolina blue-wearing young woman said, her eyes twinkling with the same hope and confidence that shone in those of the 40 like-minded peers surrounding her. “We’re willing to put our arms around each other and smile as long as it takes to make our vision a reality.”

The haggard, grimacing student body president and his anxiety-ridden executive cabinet, clustered together in their offices, were unavailable for comment.