Smoke Blown Up Rich Old Donor’s Ass

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CHAPEL HILL, NC — Thursday evening, The Center for the Study of the American South honored philanthropist and UNC professor emeritus Dr. Roland Everest with a ceremony that culminated in the Interim Director of the center blowing smoke up Dr. Everest’s ass.

The event, which took place in the Peebles Dining Room of the Carolina Club, celebrated Dr. Everest’s recent donation of $1.2 million, which will fund various symposia in the Southern Oral History Program. In attendance were a number of professors and distinguished community members.

After an introductory speech by Associate Director Patrick Horn, Everest made his way to the podium while Interim Director Kenneth Jankin prepared the bellows, drawing smoke into them from a small, portable wood stove.

“Friends, faculty, colleagues,” he began, as Everest placed his elbows on the podium, arching his back to allow Jankin to position the bellows behind him, “I’m delighted today to honor a man who has given The Center for the Study of the American South not only a wonderful gift, but also a remarkable vision.”

Jankin then vigorously pumped smoke up Everest’s ass for the next five minutes.

When Jankin finished, Everest gave a polite nod and thanked the crowd.

“I am humbled by this honor,” the philanthropist said as he pulled up his pants. “The Southern Studies Department has always held a special place in my heart.”

After the ceremony, Everest took time to speak with friends and reporters, offering thoughts on the ceremony and his donation. “Having smoke blown up my ass felt good,” he said, “but giving back to an institution I truly care about is what will give me lasting satisfaction.”

Guests lauded Everest and spoke glowingly of the smoke-blowing.

“This was a fitting honor,” said Terry Rhodes, Senior Associate Dean for Fine Arts and Humanities. “The University is grateful for Dr. Everest’s generosity and will certainly continue to blow smoke up his ass.”

Everest’s donation, along with a $2 million gift from noted alumna Susan Barnes-Chuzlick, will ensure that the center will continue to help students pursue their interests in the American South. Barnes-Chuzlick will have her dick sucked in an honorary ceremony next week.

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