Chapel Hill, NC–Students enrolled in Professor Thomas Oatley’s  POLI150 class on International Politics walked away from the final lecture with many unanswered questions, disappointed by the course’s conclusion.

“I felt like this class was building towards some kind of epic finale,” said sophomore business major Manny Lovell. “Now I feel like this class was writing a lot of checks it couldn’t cash. What ever happened to the two hegemons that would possibly battle? I feel like that was a major plot hole.”

Other students felt similar to Lovell, hoping for clearer resolutions to many of the class’s looming questions.

“On day one, Professor Oatley promised that this class would enable us to more easily identify the ideological divides between different diaspora cultures,” said freshman political science major Todd Cropper. “To be honest, I still don’t know what the hell that means.”

Many students in the class had joined later in the semester because of their peers’ recommendations and because of Professor Oatley’s reputation on campus as an unpredictable and exhilarating lecturer.

“My friend Sarah told me that I should totally check out POLI150 if only to see Professor Oatley in action,” said junior history major Aaron Carpenter. “But towards week six he just totally hit a lull. I’m glad this course ended before he started bringing in random guest speakers or something to boost attendance. It seems like he already moved on to his projects on the politics of space exploration.”

Despite lowered expectations as the course continued, many students remained hopeful that the final lecture would tie things up, or at least shed light on the mysterious personal life of their professor.

“He was always making strange allusions to his time in the Ukraine,” said freshman journalism major Kaiden Davies. “But in the last lecture, he didn’t even bring it up. What happened to Viktoriya? Did Dmytro ever find out about the affair? I guess we’ll never know.”

“Dammit,” he added. “I was way too invested in that shit.”

Because of overwhelmingly mediocre reviews of the course and its conclusion, Oatley’s POLI150 class will only be offered online next semester. However, Oatley’s legacy continues to thrive at UNC within an extensive underground network of fan art and fiction, both of which seek to explore the inner workings of Viktoriya and Dmytro’s precarious relationship.

 CHAPEL HILL, NC – With less than 36 hours to go until their final project is due, Kelly Grubnose, Kumar Ramanujan, Skyler Laffley, and Ashley Barliman had still not completed their Economics 101 final project. With the project, the group chose to explore the concept of the free rider problem–which describes the situation where individuals pay less than their fair share of the cost of a common resource when obligations are ill-defined–but members have thus far been slow to contribute to the effort.

“Yeah, I have, like, a solid B+ so it won’t change my grade – as long as it gets done,” said project leader Barliman.

The outcome has a bigger impact on other individuals, however.

“I really need this project to go well,” Ramanujan said. Asked why he was not doing more work to that end, he defended his contributions.

 “[We have] been meeting in my room for the past few weeks and everyone has been playing my Fifa,” Ramanujan said, “so I feel like I’ve contributed my fair share already. Stop using Barcelona, Kelly, you’re an asshole.”

The group is set for disaster on its free rider problem project unless some individuals voluntarily create the infrastructure needed to carry the work to completion. Even so, the collaboration has yet to move past a ‘Notes/Ideas’ Google Doc that Barliman emailed to the others the day that the group was formed.

Just before press time, Econ 101 lecturer Rita Balaban warned the group that the free rider problem project was “not too big to fail,” but was reluctant to offer incentives for individuals to take action.

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RALEIGH, NC – Getting lunch with his wife and two daughters after an 11:00 am Easter service at Holy Trinity Lutheran Church on April 20th, dad Gene Ostergaard said that he would like to know exactly what the employees of Carolina Coffee Shop found so funny during his visit to the eatery.

“They were laughing the whole darn time,” Ostergaard reported, “acting like a bunch of clowns on Easter. This is the day of the Lord, not the time for shenanigans–giggling at every darn thing that happened.”

It started when Ostergaard’s waiter, 25 year-old Ryan Howser, asked the man and his family “What would you…um…like? What do you like?” his eyes drooping and red.

“Nice suit, man. It’s colorful,” Howser added, rolling into a slow giggle that lasted for the rest of the ordering process.

Ostergaard’s wife, Karen, insisted that she wanted extra oregano on her club sandwich, prompting Howser to stifle a laugh in his nose, and causing the bartender to loudly cackle for several seconds.

“I wonder what the big joke back there is,” said Ostergaard as he and his family ate their sandwiches after Howser took more than 30 minutes to bring out their order.

Ostergaard’s wife shrugged and his daughter Megan, a sophomore at UNC, avoided eye contact.

Chapel Hill, NC–Nathan Reinhart and Julia Gips, sophomores at UNC, startled and transfixed each other this week with a fleeting moment of eye contact while waiting in line for a printer in the Undergraduate Library.

“It happened around 3:00 pm on Wednesday, right before my biology class,” said Reinhart, who had been printing out the PowerPoint presentation of his professor’s forthcoming lecture. “I looked back over my shoulder to see if anyone else was in line. And her eyes. Her eyes as infinite as the guilt and loneliness that suddenly consumed me. I was Icarus, flying across the sun, rendered wingless as I fell back to the sea.”

Gips, who had been waiting to print out an essay for her Great Books seminar, remembered the glance with similar salience.

“It was only a second, maybe even less. But we were there. We were together, locked in a cage of lust and confusion. I had no idea what he was thinking, turning around like that. Two strangers, two humans.”

Though they had never formally met, Reinhart and Gips had seen each other sitting with respective friends in Top of Lenoir Dining Hall throughout this year.

“It was a piercing anonymity,” said Reinhart. “I remember she gave a sort of half-smile and looked back down at her phone, fully aware of the primal anxiety that had gripped me.”

“No names. No majors. No small talk about plans for Easter Break,” he continued. “It was real.”

Gips recalled Reinhart giving a curt nod before turning to face the printer again.

“It was subtle, like a courting bow,” said Gips. “It was lust incarnate.”

Things came to a head when Reinhart reached the printer and pulled his OneCard delicately out of his wallet.

“When he pulled it out, I could feel my body heating up in expectation,” said Gips. “I wasn’t sure if I was ready.”

Self-conscious and nearly trembling, Reinhart typed in his Onyen, and, in the same motion, vigorously swiped his OneCard through the reader.

“He was a little forceful, admittedly,” said Gips. “But at that point I didn’t care. We were everything then.”

The two are expected to completely avoid eye contact when they pass each other in Polk Place next week.

Fitzgerald’s is being boycotted and He’s Not Here is not no longer allowing those under 21 into the bar. What’s your take?

“Okay, so no one is talking about the athletic scandal? We are in the clear, right? Everything is okay again now, and we can just talk about bars and stuff. Back to just good ol’ college stuff. Like bars.”

Carol Folt, Chancellor

“I think that Willingham’s data, as the independent reports have shown, is fundamentally flaw-wait what? That’s what we are talking about now? All we had to do was disprove that one researcher? Well yes, I think the Blue Cup needs to stay for 21 and up, and when there is a rule you need to enforce it.”

Roy Williams, Basketball Head Coach

“Fulks, meen lady wrung, afchletes cans reed gud… Huh? Yuh, me tink alegazacions four FutzGorald’s musht b taeken surieouslee.”

Jim Dean, Executive Vice Chancellor and Provost

CHAPEL HILL, NC – As the fires burn in Alumni Hall for the fifth day, it has become clear, according to reports from those close to faculty and graduate students, that the UNC Anthropology Department has formed a primitive hunter-gatherer society in its corner of McCorkle Place.

“The implications of [our] societal reversion are intriguing,” said Anthropology Professor Duncan Yunez, as he ate a squirrel he had speared in the Arboretum. “To see some of the most educated people in the country completely break down and form a socie…AHHHH! AHHHH! GET AWAY FROM MY FOOD PEACOCK, I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!”

“Sorry about that,” Yunez continued, lowering his weapon carved from a meter stick. “Ever since [Kenan Distinguished Professor James] Peacock began his colony in the southern halls, he has been trying to raid our territories,” he continued. “You know how academia can be–once you have tenure you think you can do anything.”

The reversion began early Monday morning, when an argument between professors over who got coffee first created a rift in the department.

“Most of us sided with [Department Chair Paul] Leslie. He had alpha male status and the most vicious post-docs,” whispered Professor Teran Izan while spying on a rival tribe in the conference room.

“From there things started splitting as different professors fought for control,” Izan continued. “There are a lot of interesting theories about how these sort of things happen. I actually wrote my dissertation on a processes of tribe subdivision in Papua New Guinea,” he said while notching an arrow created from rock art he had retrieved in Western Africa.

While other tribes have vied for power, Professor Leslie, crowning himself “Big Chieftain,” remains the most powerful in the department.

This morning, sitting on a throne of unfinished anthropology senior honors theses, Chieftain Leslie commanded his hunter-gathering squad of seventh-year graduate students to forage for food in nearby Polk Place with a resounding “GRAHH!” Some reports from inside his tribe have suggested that Lesilie is worried about a growing threat of rebellion, as many of his band have, in a time of scarcity, been forced to subsist on the leather elbow patches from their old tweed jackets.

“We microwave the patches in the grad student lounge and they get a little chewier. But this is no way to live,” said a glaze-eyed Gustav Helphöug, a Ph.D. candidate studying the connection between social media and ancient art from a Durkheimian perspective for a fifth year.

At press time, the Philosophy Department had begun forming a utopian society in Caldwell Hall. Efforts have stalled at the debate over how to equitably, but not necessarily equally, distribute the coffee mugs in the break room.