UNC Basketball Team Upset by Belmont

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CHAPEL HILL, NC — Sunday evening, the number twelve ranked North Carolina Tar Heels men’s basketball team was upset following a close loss to the Belmont Bruins.

Tar Heel players filed into the locker room silently after a late Belmont three-pointer sealed the game. Some suppressed sniffles and avoided eye contact, while others sat with towels over their faces.

Glowering at the floor, Brice Johnson began to breathe heavily through his nose before standing up and slamming his fist against the wall of his locker.

“Fuck this shit,” yelled Johnson to a still silent room. “I didn’t think an unranked bunch of fucks could upset me like this. Goddamn fucking bullshit.”

“Maybe if J.P. could make a free throw,” Marcus Paige mumbled from the corner of the room.

“At least I’m on the court,” J.P. Tokoto shouted, standing up from his wooden locker, “fuck you, P.J..”

As P.J. Hairston looked down and turned his back to the room, Paige stood up, screamed, and leapt onto his back, pounding Hariston with both fists as teammates tried to restrain him.

The fighting continued until Roy Williams burst into the room.

“The hell y’all doing out there,” began the red-faced coach, his silver hair matted with sweat, “Marcus sit the fuck down. All of you sit down and shut up, you over-ranked, pretentious bunch of cocksuckers.”

“Are you listening to me, James?” Williams said, bringing his face inches from James Michael McAdoo’s, his eyes bulging and spittle flying from his mouth, “I got news for you McAdoo, you’re not as good as you fucking think you are.”

“And I’ve got news for all you boys,” he said, wheeling away from McAdoo to face the room, “all of you played like absolute shit tonight. Except for you Leslie, you played about average. Fuck you.”

“Boys, I’ve been coachin’ basketball a long time,” continued Williams, the veins on his forehead bulging, “and I can’t tell you the last time I was this upset. Belmont? Fucking Belmont?! Does anyone even know where Belmont is? Did anyone even remember that we were playing Belmont this year?! Fuck all of you,” he screamed, grabbing a folding chair and hurling it across the locker room.

Joel James began a convulsing, hiccup-laden sob as snot flared from his nostrils.

“I’m…so…upset,” he whimpered between desperate inhales.

After Williams slammed the door behind him, freshmen Kennedy Meeks, who had been silent the whole time, stood up and ripped a picture of Michael Jordan from his locker, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Sources close to the team said they expect the Tar Heels will face even bigger upsets as their ranking falls throughout the season.

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Concert Attendee Unsure What To Do With His Body

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CHAPEL HILL, NC — Standing in Memorial Hall at last night’s Trampled by Turtles concert, Kevin Cantor, sophomore Public Policy major, did not know what to do with his body.

“No dancing, obviously,” thought Cantor. “Maybe some light swaying? Yeah, sway to the song. Am I doing this right? I’m going to pat along to the beat on my leg. Wait, no, hands in pocket? No, arms folded. Fuck.”

Looking around the Hall, Cantor tried to copy other attendees by clapping along slightly off beat, yelling, and bobbing his head. Despite these efforts, Cantor reported that he was still uncomfortable.

“I just feel like my balls are touching my leg more than they ever have in my life,” Cantor thought as he shifted his weight from the right to the left for the fourth time that night. “Why are we standing? It’s not a dance. I just want to sit. Or jump. Can I jump? Is that wrong, to want to jump? Fuck.”

Emily Phillips, a close friend who attended the concert with Cantor, said she had no idea that he was struggling.

“He was just watching the music, occasionally getting into it,” she said. “He sometimes kind of gets in his head about stuff like that.”

Twenty-Something Guy Wearing Suit on Franklin Street Probably a Dick

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CHAPEL HILL, NC — Watching him stride down the sidewalk in front of Top of The Hill, sources confirmed that the twenty-something guy wearing a tailored navy suit on Franklin Street is probably a dick.

Noting his disaffected, impatient air and expensive-looking haircut, sources wondered “who the fuck [the twenty-something] thinks he is,” and went on to speculate that, doubtless, he refers to whatever he does during the day as a “position.”

In all likelihood, the man enjoys overpriced drinks at crowded bars with nearly identical cocky young fucks, sources added, and presumably says the word “networking” at least five times a day.

“The thing is, that if a guy that age were doing something that required a suit and was actually important, he probably wouldn’t be on Franklin Street,” one witness thought as the man pulled up the cuff of his dress shirt to check his watch, “but the fact that he is on Franklin Street and wearing a suit means that–more than likely–this guy has the misinformed impression that he’s some hot fucking shit.”

“Plus, just look at him,” the observer continued. “Imagine if someone were like, ‘Oh, yeah, that guy? He’s really nice. He volunteers at the animal shelter with a friend of mine.’ I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I would be surprised.”

At press time, sources reported that the thirty-something guy wearing aviators, a blazer, and jeans on Franklin Street is definitely a dick.

The Weigh-In: UNC Football Indictments

The final indictments related to the UNC football scandal have been unsealed; two agents have been charged with athlete agent inducement. What’s your take?

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“That’ll teach ’em.”

Timmens Forest, Professor of History

Josh Ford Well

“I can finally heal.”

The Honor of the University, EXSS, ’15

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“C’mon no one cares about football scandals. It’s time for basketball scandals! Go Heels!”

Roy Williams, UNC Basketball Head Coach

Student Nodding Head in Class Completely Lost

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CHAPEL HILL, NC — Looking up from his Buzzfeed article on ’10 Famous Kitten Lovers’ this morning, James Fellows, junior Biology major, bobbed his head up and down, pretending he understood every nuance of his statistics professor’s explanation of the root-mean-square error.

“I have total comprehension of the knowledge you are transferring to me,” Fellows seemed to say with his head movements and focused eye contact, even as he failed to grasp the faintest meaning of his professor’s words.

Moving his eyes between his laptop and the professor, Fellows went on to falsely indicate genuine interest and understanding by nodding at multiple points throughout the subsequent portions of the lecture.

“I have no idea what is going on,” thought Fellows, as he squinted his eyes for a moment, paused his nod, and then preceded to nod again, as if now fully grasping the point being made. “Fuck, I hope someone is paying attention whose notes I can grab when studying for the final.”

Sources close to Fellows say he plans to go to office hours this week to nod knowingly in a more personal context.

UNC Cancer Researchers Hard at Work to End Dance Marathon

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CHAPEL HILL, NC — After kvetches last week revealed UNC students have been annoyed by the charity organization Dance Marathon, spokesmen for the UNC Lineberger Comprehensive Cancer Center announced today that their researchers are working harder than ever to end Dance Marathon by curing cancer.

“Bringing an end to the human suffering caused by cancer was my motivation for getting into this field,” said Dr. Gregory Andrews, Director of the Clinical Research Program at UNC Hospitals, “but after hearing how much students have been bothered by Dance Marathon lately, I’ve been inspired anew. I refuse to accept the state of a world where students are pestered by chipper peers in silly costumes asking them to volunteer for a charity fundraiser. The thought of those poor young people walking to Davis has kept me hard at work.”

Tristan Cooper, spokesman for UNC Hospitals, said that the kvetches made clear why cancer research is important. “Through research, we can address the fundamental problems in our world, like Dance Marathon. At UNC Hospitals, we always strive to remain cognizant of our first priorities.”

Dr. Anna Tender, a researcher at the Lineberger Center and a 2004 UNC graduate, said she choose to research cancer in part because of Dance Marathon.

“The damage of Dance Marathon was unspoken, but it touched virtually everyone,” she said of her time as an undergraduate. “I realized that the only way to end Dance Marathon was to cure cancer, so that’s what I’ve dedicated my life to doing.”

Students say they are grateful that researchers are inspired by their plight.

“It is time someone finally took notice of our suffering,” said Clay Winthrop, sophomore Geology major. “I want to live in a world where no one has to live in fear of cancer and, more importantly, the only person bothering me in the Pit is a crazy old man with a Bible.”

Morehead-Cain Scholar Disappointed To Learn He Is Not Second Coming of Christ

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Chapel Hill, NC— James Titlebaum, recipient of the prestigious Morehead-Cain scholarship, learned last week that he was not selected by God to be the second coming of Christ.

“It was a huge blow to me personally,” said Titlebaum, who edited his high school newspaper and founded the Westbrook High International Relations Club. “I grew up believing that, if I worked hard enough, I could achieve anything. That’s the can-do attitude that got me the Morehead-Cain scholarship, and it’s what I hoped would make me the second coming of Christ.”

“The Morehead is the most prestigious merit scholarship in the country,” he explained. “Being the second coming of Christ seemed like the logical next step for me.”

Titlebaum said that he considered himself a strong applicant to be God incarnate. “When I discovered the position of the second coming of Christ was still vacant, I knew that I could see myself in that role,” he said. “I think the same qualities that make me a Morehead-Cain scholar would make me well suited to judge the living and the dead.”

Titlebaum said that he was “perplexed” when he was not selected. “I know I wasn’t the only Morehead to apply, but I don’t think any of us got it. I don’t know of a better qualified group of applicants,” said the sophomore whose work in an eye clinic in India this summer was funded by the Morehead-Cain Foundation.

“I always thought I’d be great as the figurehead of the world’s largest religion,” he continued. “People naturally look up to me–I think the Morehead reflects that–but I guess I’m still not ready to compete with Jesus. If there’s one thing you should know about Moreheads, though, it’s that we’re not quitters. I see this not as an obstacle, but as an opportunity for growth. I may not be the living flesh of God today, but with hard work, I will be one day soon.”

Bart Ehrman, a biblical scholar at the University of North Carolina, wasn’t surprised that Titlebaum’s application was rejected. “There’s just no evidence in the Bible that suggests the second coming of Christ will be a Morehead,” he said. “It will probably be someone none of us would expect, like a Robertson.”