CHAPEL HILL, NC — Watching him stride down the sidewalk in front of Top of The Hill, sources confirmed that the twenty-something guy wearing a tailored navy suit on Franklin Street is probably a dick.

Noting his disaffected, impatient air and expensive-looking haircut, sources wondered “who the fuck [the twenty-something] thinks he is,” and went on to speculate that, doubtless, he refers to whatever he does during the day as a “position.”

In all likelihood, the man enjoys overpriced drinks at crowded bars with nearly identical cocky young fucks, sources added, and presumably says the word “networking” at least five times a day.

“The thing is, that if a guy that age were doing something that required a suit and was actually important, he probably wouldn’t be on Franklin Street,” one witness thought as the man pulled up the cuff of his dress shirt to check his watch, “but the fact that he is on Franklin Street and wearing a suit means that–more than likely–this guy has the misinformed impression that he’s some hot fucking shit.”

“Plus, just look at him,” the observer continued. “Imagine if someone were like, ‘Oh, yeah, that guy? He’s really nice. He volunteers at the animal shelter with a friend of mine.’ I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I would be surprised.”

At press time, sources reported that the thirty-something guy wearing aviators, a blazer, and jeans on Franklin Street is definitely a dick.