Concert Attendee Unsure What To Do With His Body

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CHAPEL HILL, NC — Standing in Memorial Hall at last night’s Trampled by Turtles concert, Kevin Cantor, sophomore Public Policy major, did not know what to do with his body.

“No dancing, obviously,” thought Cantor. “Maybe some light swaying? Yeah, sway to the song. Am I doing this right? I’m going to pat along to the beat on my leg. Wait, no, hands in pocket? No, arms folded. Fuck.”

Looking around the Hall, Cantor tried to copy other attendees by clapping along slightly off beat, yelling, and bobbing his head. Despite these efforts, Cantor reported that he was still uncomfortable.

“I just feel like my balls are touching my leg more than they ever have in my life,” Cantor thought as he shifted his weight from the right to the left for the fourth time that night. “Why are we standing? It’s not a dance. I just want to sit. Or jump. Can I jump? Is that wrong, to want to jump? Fuck.”

Emily Phillips, a close friend who attended the concert with Cantor, said she had no idea that he was struggling.

“He was just watching the music, occasionally getting into it,” she said. “He sometimes kind of gets in his head about stuff like that.”

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