Chapel Hill, NC— James Titlebaum, recipient of the prestigious Morehead-Cain scholarship, learned last week that he was not selected by God to be the second coming of Christ.
“It was a huge blow to me personally,” said Titlebaum, who edited his high school newspaper and founded the Westbrook High International Relations Club. “I grew up believing that, if I worked hard enough, I could achieve anything. That’s the can-do attitude that got me the Morehead-Cain scholarship, and it’s what I hoped would make me the second coming of Christ.”
“The Morehead is the most prestigious merit scholarship in the country,” he explained. “Being the second coming of Christ seemed like the logical next step for me.”
Titlebaum said that he considered himself a strong applicant to be God incarnate. “When I discovered the position of the second coming of Christ was still vacant, I knew that I could see myself in that role,” he said. “I think the same qualities that make me a Morehead-Cain scholar would make me well suited to judge the living and the dead.”
Titlebaum said that he was “perplexed” when he was not selected. “I know I wasn’t the only Morehead to apply, but I don’t think any of us got it. I don’t know of a better qualified group of applicants,” said the sophomore whose work in an eye clinic in India this summer was funded by the Morehead-Cain Foundation.
“I always thought I’d be great as the figurehead of the world’s largest religion,” he continued. “People naturally look up to me–I think the Morehead reflects that–but I guess I’m still not ready to compete with Jesus. If there’s one thing you should know about Moreheads, though, it’s that we’re not quitters. I see this not as an obstacle, but as an opportunity for growth. I may not be the living flesh of God today, but with hard work, I will be one day soon.”
Bart Ehrman, a biblical scholar at the University of North Carolina, wasn’t surprised that Titlebaum’s application was rejected. “There’s just no evidence in the Bible that suggests the second coming of Christ will be a Morehead,” he said. “It will probably be someone none of us would expect, like a Robertson.”
This is funny because
funny if you’ve ever met a Morehead scholar. funny because it would be hilarious if the second coming of Christ was a UNC-dook dual scholar (Robertson), Bridging the gap between all that is wonderful in the world and dook.