The Talk-Around: Wendy’s Booty Call


Joseph, 1:15 a.m.

you up?

Wendy’s, 1:17 a.m.

yeah…you know i’m open 24/7

Joseph, 1:18 a.m.

wanna chill?

Wendy’s, 1:20 a.m.

what does that even mean…

Joseph, 1:21 a.m.

i’m just around, got a lot more work in Davis and wanted to see if maybe you’d want to hang out for a little bit

Wendy’s, 1:23 a.m.

okay, well i’m open 24/7, like i said, so if you want food i’m here

Joseph, 1:24 a.m.

wanna roll to my place?

Wendy’s, 1:26 a.m.

I don’t deliver.

Joseph, 1:27 a.m.

ah fuck, just one time?

Wendy’s 1:29 a.m.

I don’t deliver, Joe.

Joseph, 1:30 a.m.

aww shit, okay. can i get some buns if i roll through maybe 🙂

Wendy’s, 1:32 a.m.

Wendy’s, 1:32 a.m.

all my buns are prepared fresh, just like the rest of my ingredients if that is what you are asking.

Joseph, 1:34 a.m.

hahah just having fun.

Joseph, 1:37 a.m.

i’ll be over soon. we’ll have some privacy right?

Wendy’s 1:40 a.m.

there are other people here sometimes, so i can’t promise that

Joseph, 1:41 a.m.

but we’ll be able to chill just kind of you and me?

Wendy’s, 1:43 a.m.

you can wait with everyone else

Joseph, 1:45 a.m.

no cuts for your main dude?

Wendy’s, 1:48 a.m.

don’t start with the main dude bullshit, if you want some great food at even greater prices, i’ll be here. but don’t make this more than it is. it’s late at night, you’re hungry, i want to give you food and we are going to make it work. just cut the shit, the same way i handcut fries each and every morning.

Wendy’s, 1:58 a.m.

come over if you want to though

Joseph, 2:00 a.m.

i’ll roll through soon, almost done at davis

Wendy’s, 2:05 a.m.


Joseph, 2:07 a.m.

you can fuck around, but at least don’t pretend it’s not good when i show up in a few minutes

Wendy’s, 2:09 a.m.

yeah, well, quality is our recipe

Tom Ross Under the Tuscan Sun

tom ross tuscan sun

CORTONA, ITALY—Tom Ross, soon to be former University of North Carolina system president, remembered how it had all begun so abruptly just a few days ago. Sitting across from two close friends, still visibly shaken after being asked to resign, he had clinked champagne glasses and attempted to smile.

“To freedom,” his close friend Mitch McGinty had said. “It’s time to move on. The BOG was cheating on you with Art Pope, who needs them!?”

Ross sighed now as he did then. Thinking of Pope still upset him.

“And we’ve got just the way to do it,” McGinty continued, “a 10-day tour through romantic Tuscany!”

What began there, around a table at 411 West, ended here, as Ross looked upon a dilapidated villa in the small town of Cortona which he now owned and was attempting to reconstruct.

“I needed this,” said Ross, thinking back on the two-hour closed door session with the board of governors, where they had laid out how they had been with Art Pope for so many years without his knowledge. He took his anger against the paint he was attempting to remove.

“It’s time to stop blaming myself, and move on,” he concluded.

Ross originally intended to travel only a few weeks before returning to finish his term as president of the UNC system, but, as Ross said, “life got in the way.”

“I was feeling free in Italy, free in a way I had not felt in years. Not constantly doubting myself, or wondering if what I do really matters. I am just me here, comfortable in my own skin,” Ross explained. “Then, as I was walking through the plaza of Cortona, this beautiful, rustic town in the Tuscan countryside, I saw a sign for a villa on sale just outside the town. When I realized that I was actually thinking about buying it, I knew I couldn’t go back.”

The house is not in great condition, and Ross, 64, has spent the past few days trying his hand at remodeling.

“I bit off a little more than I can chew,” Ross said, dusty from work on the tile floors, “but it’s exhilarating to work with your hands, doing as much as you can and no more, not worrying about satisfying anyone but yourself. I think restoring this house will be my life’s great work.”

Ross has already befriended many of the locals, nurturing a romance between a village girl and a young, polish man Ross employs to help with the construction.

“There’s nothing sweeter than young love,” Ross mused, “compared to this, all of my concerns seem trivial.”

Ross himself has not escaped the romantic power of Tuscany. In the week since his arrival in Cortona, Ross has begun a tryst with an older British actress who, like Ross, sought refuge in the Italian countryside.

“Unthinkably good things can happen,” said Ross, “even late in the game.”

A List You’ll Totally Click On: The 10 BOG Members Who BEST Represent People of Color


Rodney E. Hood

Mr. Hood is a black man who graduated from the University of North Carolina in 1989. President George W. Bush appointed Mr. Hood as the Vice Chairman of the National Credit Union Administration in 2005. Mr. Hood now works for JPMorgan Chase.


Therence O. Pickett

Mr. Pickett is a black man who graduated from North Carolina State University in 1988, and then Duke University School of Law in 1991. Mr. Pickett is now the Vice President of Volvo Group North America.


Scott Lampe

Mr. Lampe, the CEO of Hendrick Motorsports, watched Selma last weekend with his wife.


David M. Powers

Mr. Powers has absolutely no real qualms with working with people of color, and is comfortable riding the elevator with almost anyone in his office.


Thomas J. Harrelson

Mr. Harrelson has shaken the hands of numerous black individuals.


Harry Leo Smith, Jr .

Mr. Smith’s children enjoy Wiz Khalifa, and he often lets them play the hip hop artist’s music when he is in the car.


Doyle Parrish

Mr. Parrish hasn’t said the n-word in “a very long time.”

WLB (3)

W. Louis Bissette, Jr.

When asked to react to accusations that the Board of Governors does not defend the interests of people of color, Mr. Bissete said, “whaaaaaat noooooo.”


Frank Grainger

“My daughter’s orthodontist was a black woman,” said Mr. Grainger. “A real nice lady.”


Ann B. Goodnight

Ms. Goodnight’s name has the word ‘night’ in it, a time of day when the sky looks black.

Environmental Science Major in Fraternity Has Another Funky New Patagonia


CHAPEL HILL, NC–Saying that they have spotted him wearing the colorful, marshmallow-shaped pullover each of the past several days, sources around campus report that Luke Gibson, junior environmental science major and brother of the Chi Psi fraternity, has another funky new Patagonia.

“What are those, Indian patterns?” marveled one onlooker, silently taking in the teal, brown, purple, and red fleece as Gibson biked across the quad, en route from his apartment near Chi Psi lodge to an 11:00 am meeting of ENEC 225: Water Resource Management and Human Rights. “What an earthy wildman.”

Gibson has reportedly debuted no small number of splashy, loose-fitting Patagonias in the time since he pledged Chi Psi and dropped his physics major in favor of environmental science in the spring semester of his freshman year. All of the garments have featured an outrageous array of brightly hued shapes and swirls on shaggy, polyester wool. Each, somehow, is seemingly more jazzy and kaleidoscopic than the last.

With the latest Patagonia, as with each of them, many have wondered at how various aspects of Gibson’s identity are tied together–so completely and mysteriously–in a single $90 sweater.

“My fraternity is having a cocktail on Saturday, but I can meet to work on the project any time next week,” Gibson was overheard telling an assigned group-mate in an intermediate-level biology class. Gibson reportedly asked a freshman member of the same class to accompany him to the cocktail earlier in the week.

“If there’s any research I can be doing until we meet, just let me know,” added the Patagoina-clad Charlotte native, who reportedly donned an even fancier sort of Patagonia jacket when he went on a guided backpacking trip up Mount Kilimanjaro last summer.

According to climate experts, there will be an estimated three- to five-week window in late March and early April when Gibson will wear Chaco sandals simultaneously with his cushy, complicated fleece–or indeed with an even quirkier one, if he has acquired it by then.

Sources added that Gibson enjoys drinking IPAs as well as smoking marijuana, and also wears duck boots. He has reportedly ruled out neither the Peace Corps nor medical school after he graduates, nor even working for his father’s management consulting company.

Thorp Still Trying to Unsubscribe from HOPE Gardens Listserv

holden unsubscribe

ST. LOUIS, MO—Scrolling through emails in his office this morning, Holden Thorp, Provost at Washington University in St. Louis and former Chancellor of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, dedicated another few minutes to attempting to unsubscribe from the UNC HOPE Gardens listserv.

“Dagnabbit, how do I get off this listserv?” he muttered to himself as he looked through the email. “Is it down here at the bottom? I know I have unsubscribed from one of these before. Where is that button?”

Thorp, who had signed up for the listserv upon first becoming Chancellor at UNC and after seeing the booth at FallFest, had never actually been to the student run community garden but had heard it was a “pretty cool organization” from multiple friends. He would routinely delete their weekly, or sometimes daily, messages and consider getting involved the next semester.

Sources close to Thorp said that commitments to being Chancellor of the University made it difficult for him to find time to involve himself in the workings of the community garden.

“It was one of those things where you have so many passions you want to follow, it’s hard to find time,” said Provost Jim Dean. “Part of college is learning that you can’t do everything.”

Still, HOPE Gardens has peppered Thorp consistently with emails on their meetings, potlucks and other interesting ways to get involved on campus for those passionate about studying food, eventually leading to annoyance.

“I’m tired of the emails, it is popping up every darn day,” Thorp said this morning. “Wait, is that the unsubscribe button!? Aw shoot, I think I just signed up for the Sierra Student Coalition listserv too. God dammit.”

Thorp spent the next ten minutes combing the email once more before another popped up, informing him that the Carolina International Relations Association’s meeting had been moved to Hanes 304.

My Son is NOT a Racist by C.D. Mock


by C.D. Mock | The Minor

As some of you may know, my son Corey was expelled from the University of Tennessee, Chattanooga, because some irresponsible party-girl accused him of being a racist. I want you all to know, my son is NOT a racist.

My son is not alone. Young men at colleges and universities across the country are accused of being racists. It seems like you can accuse anybody of being a racist and the University will take the accuser’s side. These girls go out and drink, make bad decisions, then try to excuse their behavior by calling boys like my son racists.

I raised my son. I gave him good values. I know he’s not a racist. But apparently that doesn’t matter to Universities. They don’t care about justice. They don’t care about the Constitution. They just want to appease men-hating activist hags who think that all men are racists.

How many more of us will become falsely accused racists? How long will we let our sons be crucified as racists by these activists and whores? I taught my son never to discriminate against someone based on the color of their skin, and anyone who says differently is lying.

What? You mean he was accused of being a rapist?

Oh yeah, that’s totally possible.

Breaking: Duke University Relocates Muslim Call to Prayer to Guantanamo Bay

guantanamo chapel

DURHAM, NC—After announcing earlier this week that Duke’s Chapel would host its first-ever Muslim call to prayer, administrators made the decision to relocate the prayer to the Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp.

“The original decision to host the call to prayer in Duke’s Chapel was intended to unify the student body,” said Michael J. Schoenfeld, Duke’s Vice President of Public Affairs. “But it was not having the intended effect. We think Guantanamo is a place where everyone can feel comfortable with hearing the prayer. And this way, all the regular people on Duke’s campus can keep enjoying the Chapel the way it’s always been.”

Denying allegations that the administration’s change of heart arose after various Christian donors threatened to freeze their funding, Schoenfeld reasserted Duke’s commitment to equality and its students’ freedom of expression.

“There is a place for everyone in our democracy,” he said. “And the place for Islamic people is Guantanamo Bay. No administrators will impede students who want to go to Guantanamo to experience this beautiful tradition in the Islamic faith.”

Around Duke’s campus, students weighed in on the issue.

“This is clearly an affront to the freedom of religion enjoyed by so many diverse populations on Duke’s campus,” said sophomore Katherine Wiedman. “I had hopes the prayer at the chapel would make Duke a more welcoming place for everyone and underscore the principles of love that our religions hold in common.”

Other students’ opinions differed.

“Fuck ISIS,” said fraternity president Jeremy Kaplan.