CHAPEL HILL, NC—Sophomore masturbator John Meacham remains disappointed since hearing the news that his roommate, Suhaas Naidu, failed to make UNC’s Club Volleyball team.

According to the masturbator, his quality of life has decreased significantly since his roommate’s athletic setback.

“Yesterday I got back from Lenoir around 6:00 pm and Suhaas was just sitting shirtless in our room,” said Meacham, his shoulders fallen. “I suggested he go to Davis to study but he wouldn’t go unless I went with him. So that was that.”

Meacham, who became accustomed to Naidu’s absence from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm during the week of volleyball tryouts, had hoped his roommate’s athletic schedule would remain consistent.

“This semester was going to be good,” said Meacham. “Now whenever I come back to our room Suhaas is just sitting on his bed watching Curb Your Enthusiasm.

“I jerked off so much during those volleyball tryouts, man,” he added. “It was paradise.”

Naidu, who met Meacham his freshman year, appreciates how supportive his friend has been since the volleyball coach cut Naidu from the team.

“John has been a great friend through all of this,” said Naidu. “As soon as he found out about the cut, he started suggesting other clubs for me to join. Dance Marathon, Taekwondo, the fencing team…”

Naidu says that Meacham has even created a calendar of various clubs’ meeting times so that the two roommates’ won’t miss any opportunities to try something new.

“[The masturbator] is all about getting the most out of his Carolina experience,” Naidu said. “I just wish he’d get some sleep so he didn’t have to stay in and nap every time I check out a new organization.”

Continuing to lament Naidu’s more consistent presence in their dorm, Meacham plans to make the necessary arrangements to restore his rate of masturbation next semester.

“Suhaas will be starting a nightly Cross-Fit class after winter break,” Meacham said confidently. “He really does need the exercise.”

Meacham interlocked his fingers and arched his hands back, smiling with anticipation.

In the meantime, Naidu will continue to masturbate in his and Meacham’s shared shower.