CHAPEL HILL, NC – Taliban spokesman Aman Hasan announced a plan to ban the Globe Theatre’s traveling band of Shakespeare performers throughout the land of Pakistan.

“A man should play Caliban,” Hasan slammed, citing the recent rise of understudy Rita Balaban to replace Pierson Gran in the group’s version of The Tempest. “Some say we can, but there’s no need to cram a ma’am in that jam,” he added, munching on Raisin Bran.

The Globe’s tour began last month, out of a van in San Fran, after which they swam to Japan, then rode a lamb through Bhutan and a sedan through Sudan. They even took gold at a festival in Cannes.

However, their next stop, the northeastern city of Mardan in Pakistan recently fell to the Taliban, which can pose a problem as the new regime ran a scan and decided to can any female performers playing a man.

“I’m also not a fan of her Econ 101 final exam,” said Hasan of Balaban, a UNC art history graduate who studied Cezanne.