Child Playing On Upper Quad Wonders What “Dildo” Means

upper quad child

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Overhearing the conversation of three college students on the upper quad this morning, Trevor Grason, 5th grader, was introduced to, and subsequently contemplated, the word “dildo” and its possible meanings.

Grason was playing football on the small lawn in front of the Morehead Planetarium with other members of Ms. Newhart’s 5th grade class when three male college students walked past discussing the previous weekend’s activities.

“Dude, you wouldn’t even go out with us on Saturday. Fuck that,” said the tall one to the beard one, according to Trevor. “You were being a giant dildo.”

They all laughed, Trevor said, then the beard one looked around and said, “Oh shit man, there are like kids everywhere, we have to chill out.”

“They didn’t hear anything,” responded the fat one, who had been silent to that point.

Trevor quickly huddled his team before continuing the football game.

“That guy just said ‘dildo,’ what’s that mean?” he asked.

After Dustin Erickson, who had learned words like “penis,” “balls,” and even “fuck” from his older brother Tom, had no answers, the game was called to a complete halt as 5th graders on both teams racked their minds for the word’s possible meaning.

“What were they talking about?” asked Tyler Undell. “Maybe it’s like Ms. Fischer said, if we don’t know a word, we can figure it out from the other words.”

Jim Goldberg, the nerd, agreed and said, “context clues are important.”

Trevor called him a nerd and elaborated on what he overheard.

“They were talking about going somewhere, and one of them didn’t go and he was being a ‘dildo,’” he explained.

“My mom won’t go places when she is tired, and she just lays on the couch and tells me to be quiet. It probably is a thing that’s tired a lot,” William Ervin told the fellow members of “Team Explorers” at McDougle Middle School.

The group generally agreed.

At press time, Trevor reportedly responded to his Mom’s refusal to go to Wendy’s on the way home from school by saying, “I understand, you probably had a long day at work. You’re just being a ‘dildo.’”

Newman Catholic Center Organizes Fall Break Guilt Trip

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Headed for cabins in the Appalachian mountains, members of the Newman Catholic Center leave today for the organization’s fifth annual alternative Fall Break guilt trip.

“It’s a great opportunity to get away from the hustle and bustle of campus and focus on what’s important,” said group leader and youth pastor, Sharon Patrick. “Like the fact that you have not called your mother in a few weeks, have you? What about your grandma? She’s been really lonely since your grandfather passed. Well, I guess that’s okay, I am sure she just assumes you still love her.”

Past attendees have enjoyed the experience and the diverse range of activities at the retreat.

“Last year, I remember this really powerful moment where we asked people if they had anything to confess,” Patrick said. “Most people kind of just looked at the ground. I then said something like, ‘God will forgive…but He needs to know, so you can move past these experiences. So you can repent.’

“It can be hard to have authentic Catholic experiences like that at UNC, but luckily we can provide them,” she said.

At night, Patrick plans to make intimate discussions around the campfire a focus.

“We are going to sing songs and read stories from the bible,” she said. “And if people don’t remember the words, or forget some of the stories…well…hmm…didn’t they learn those in Bible school? I mean, goodness, my niece knows them. Oh well, we can always learn them again, I suppose.

“It’s about making the small moments count,” she added.

Trip leaders are hopeful to continue providing one-on-one hikes early in the morning for students “to talk with someone about the all those crazy hormones that get going around this age.”

Chip Murphy, a junior Political Science major, said that the hike served as a pivotal moment in his college experience.

“I had started getting into all this bad stuff–having consensual safe sex with my girlfriend and even, God forgive me, smoking marijuana on an occasional basis when I had no other work to do. I was having all this ‘fun,'” he said. “[Patrick] O’Rielly and I went on a walk to talk. All he said was, ‘I’ve noticed you haven’t been to Mass in a few weeks.’ That’s all it took. I knew that I had done so many horribly wrong things. I knew I was destined for Hell if I continued my ways.”

The trip also serves as a service opportunity, attendees going to nearby rural areas to deliver groceries door-to-door.

“I think a lot of people forget that while Catholicism is conservative on many issues, it is heavily focused on helping the disempowered and needy, perhaps more so than any other branch of Christianity,” said Trevor Gallagher, senior Business major. “You obviously feel guilty for your lustful acts, but when you disobey God’s command to help those in need–wow–that’s a whole new level.”

Trip leaders hope to return to campus by Sunday morning, in time to not miss “the one hour of the week that you dedicate to the Lord, I mean, it’s really only an hour–you can’t give that much to Jesus?”

North Carolina Hillel, UNC’s center for Jewish activities, hopes to begin a similar program next year.

Resident Advisor Finishes Machiavelli’s The Prince

ra machiavelli

CHAPEL HILL, NC—After finishing Machiavelli’s The Prince last Monday, resident advisor Shawn Braithwaite began contemplating next steps almost immediately. Braithwaite has drastically changed the way he handles residents since implementing the Italian political theorist’s treatise on ruling,

“Men worry less about doing injury to one who makes himself loved than to one who makes himself feared,” said Braithwaite, quoting Machiavelli directly. “That’s why I started using Avenir Black Oblique in my emails instead of Comic Sans. It sends the right kind of message.”

For the past week, Braithwaite’s residents have noticed their RA sitting in a green fold-up chair in his room with The Prince, slowly spinning a Carolina-blue lanyard around his finger and stroking his chin. When any of his residents stopped by to say hello, Braithwaite offered only a stern nod, jettisoning any sense of comfort with his cold gaze.

“What’s the RA version of impaling someone?” Braithwaite asked, slowly pulling up the tops of his neon socks and sliding his feet into Adidas flip-flops.

When Ehringhaus resident Jack Poole stopped by to ask Braithwaite for the key to the recreation room, Braithwaite prolonged his grip on Poole’s hand, emphasizing the disparity of power that existed between them. Braithwaite then instructed Poole to close the door on his way out, only to reopen it once Poole was out of earshot.

“Last week he was putting up The Jungle Book wall decorations and giving out candy,” said Poole, who now avoids eye contact with Braithwaite. “Now he just writes threatening messages on our white boards and knocks on our doors to let us know he’s always nearby.”

“It isn’t enough to just ask a resident to come to your study break activity in the E-haus lounge,” said Braithwaite. “Once in a while, one must remind the sheep why they fear the lion.”

Braithwaite says that he has also enforced rule on his hall in subtler ways, using flyers and bulletin board announcements to assert his rule.

The RA’s original “Cross-‘em While You Floss-‘em” crossword puzzles, pasted on the inside of every bathroom stall, now include such hidden phrases as, “You will bow,” “Your freedom is my gift,” and “Step to me, bitch.”

At Braithwaite’s most recent “Pancakes Are Better Than Midterms” event in the Ehringhaus lobby, the RA again invoked The Prince to confront one of his most subversive residents, Wesley Dickson, who had already been cited twice for drinking alcohol in his dorm room.

When Dickson approached the griddle, Braithwaite picked up one of the golden flapjacks with his spatula, looked directly into Dickson’s eyes and dropped the pancake on the linoleum floor.

“Next,” said Braithwaite, his stare lingering on Dickson’s face. No residents spoke.

Report: Guy Who Smokes Weed Likes Other Guy Who Smokes Weed

stoners 2

CHAPEL HILL, NC–According to a new report from The Center of Male Relational Studies, a joint project of the Department of Sociology and Anthropology, guy Craig Paulson, junior journalism major, liked other guy Jake Crawley, sophomore history major, after meeting him for the first time at a party last weekend, where they hit it off over a shared interest in marijuana.

Kenneth Frazen, lead author of the study, said the new study opens the field for understandings of male bonding over low-harm drugs.

“We are seeing that, fundamentally, friendships can be formed instantaneously with the use of cannabis,” he said.

According to the report, their meeting was by chance. Paulson saw Crawley in the process of preparing a bong in the bedroom of a house party and decided to interact with him.

“I was like, ‘dude, is that a bong?’” said Paulson to the researchers. “And he was like, ‘hell yeah dude’.”

“I just thought, ‘Wow, I really like this guy. He’s my kind of guy,’” he added.

Frazen said this was the key turning point in their analysis.

“We suddenly realized we had been conducting our research under a paradigm that both cannabis smokers must have at least one other shared interest,” he said. “We soon discovered that 67% of friends who met while smoking and consider themselves ‘close’ have only one common interest: marijuana.”

“It’s a truly astounding discovery,” Kenneth reported.

In the report, Crawley elucidates upon his friendship with Paulson.

“Craig knows his shit when it comes to bud,” Crawley said of his new friend. “I mean I didn’t know any of the movies he was talking about, and none of his jokes really made me laugh, but damn can he roll a tight spliff.”

“As soon as you get to college you realize that friendships can be so much deeper. Ya know?” he continued.

Peter Dildeaux, who witnessed the burgeoning friendship at the party and was interviewed for the report, said he thought the friendship was something special.

“Hanging out with Craig and Jake felt really natural,” said Dildeaux. “Whenever there was a lull in the conversation, they’d talk about how awesome weed is and they’d be on a roll again. It’s not often you just find that kind of friendship.”

Both Paulson and Crawley fully intend to “chill” next weekend, from which researchers hope to gather more information.

“They said, in a text, that we can come as long as we bring a bag of Flamin’ Hot Munchies,” Frazen said.

So Sorry, Got in a Drunken Twitter Feud with UNC Oral Biology Last Night

Freshmen Commission Expedition to Carrboro for Teas, Spices

Carrboro spices boat

CHAPEL HILL, NC–In hopes of opening a new route for exotic teas and spices to reach their Hinton James suite, first-years Nick Adams and Nikhil Agarwal have commissioned an expedition to distant and mysterious Carrboro.

Adams and Agarwal first proposed the voyage as a means to procure cannabis, a potent incense long associated with the province.

“The cannabis plant is abundant in that kingdom,” Adams elaborated. “We have heard stories of festivals in which both the young and old lounge side-by-side all day in their shabby, loose-hewn vestments, listening to their native songs and partaking in vast quantities the spice.

“Our only accessible trading post, outside of Craige dormitory, is lacking in resources,” Adams said. “If a new route were established to Carrboro, plenty would abound.”

Adams and Agarwal have never themselves ventured past IP3 on West Franklin, so their knowledge of Carrboro is limited to hearsay and legend.

“When asked how they planned to obtain the sought-after goods in Carrboro, Agarwal elucidated: ‘It is said that producing even the most rudimentary technologies amazes the natives. Vinyl records, Walkman players, and old watches can be used to trade for valuable resources.’”

The roommates, unsure of how far away Carrboro really is, decided a more seasoned traveler should lead the expedition. They asked Christopher Clay, a resident of the 7th floor and an experienced trader (he had supplied the pair with a 24-pack of Miller Light, their first beer), to make the trip.

Adams and Agarwal explained that they had “too much to tend to on the homefront” to make the journey themselves, but that they would pay for a generous share of cannabis for Clay as compensation for the four or five hours they imagined he would need to walk to Carrboro.

When Clay how much of the spice he was meant to procure, Adams said that ten pence-worth would suffice, but that it was most important to establish settlements for future trading.

“Talk to the Carrboians. See what they have to offer,” Agarwal told Clay. “Stay there and establish strong relations. There is a new world of possibilities.”

Clay is set to begin his voyage this afternoon, leaving Hinton James with an empty backpack, two water bottles, $300 in cash, and an assortment of vintage items with which to barter.

At press time, Leaf Erickson, a sophomore who moved from Hinton James to Carrboro, is said to have caught word of Clay’s voyage.

“Y’all, I’ve been here for a long ass time already,” he said.

The Weigh-in: Balaban Takes Down Streakers

When three streakers in rubber masks entered her Economics 101 class today, lecturer Rita Balaban chased them down and unmasked two. What’s your take? 


“It’s kind of weird that the whole class saw Balaban’s balls.”

Ross West, Economics, ’17


“I’ve been in my office, fist-pumping to the Rocky theme song for the past few hours, so, you know, no office hours today.”

Rita Balaban, Senior Lecturer, Economics


“I can’t believe she nabbed [Thom] Tillis and [Art] Pope. I’ll get ’em off, though. We’ll be back.”

Pat McCrory, Governor of North Carolina