CHAPEL HILL, NC–In hopes of opening a new route for exotic teas and spices to reach their Hinton James suite, first-years Nick Adams and Nikhil Agarwal have commissioned an expedition to distant and mysterious Carrboro.
Adams and Agarwal first proposed the voyage as a means to procure cannabis, a potent incense long associated with the province.
“The cannabis plant is abundant in that kingdom,” Adams elaborated. “We have heard stories of festivals in which both the young and old lounge side-by-side all day in their shabby, loose-hewn vestments, listening to their native songs and partaking in vast quantities the spice.
“Our only accessible trading post, outside of Craige dormitory, is lacking in resources,” Adams said. “If a new route were established to Carrboro, plenty would abound.”
Adams and Agarwal have never themselves ventured past IP3 on West Franklin, so their knowledge of Carrboro is limited to hearsay and legend.
“When asked how they planned to obtain the sought-after goods in Carrboro, Agarwal elucidated: ‘It is said that producing even the most rudimentary technologies amazes the natives. Vinyl records, Walkman players, and old watches can be used to trade for valuable resources.’”
The roommates, unsure of how far away Carrboro really is, decided a more seasoned traveler should lead the expedition. They asked Christopher Clay, a resident of the 7th floor and an experienced trader (he had supplied the pair with a 24-pack of Miller Light, their first beer), to make the trip.
Adams and Agarwal explained that they had “too much to tend to on the homefront” to make the journey themselves, but that they would pay for a generous share of cannabis for Clay as compensation for the four or five hours they imagined he would need to walk to Carrboro.
When Clay how much of the spice he was meant to procure, Adams said that ten pence-worth would suffice, but that it was most important to establish settlements for future trading.
“Talk to the Carrboians. See what they have to offer,” Agarwal told Clay. “Stay there and establish strong relations. There is a new world of possibilities.”
Clay is set to begin his voyage this afternoon, leaving Hinton James with an empty backpack, two water bottles, $300 in cash, and an assortment of vintage items with which to barter.
At press time, Leaf Erickson, a sophomore who moved from Hinton James to Carrboro, is said to have caught word of Clay’s voyage.
“Y’all, I’ve been here for a long ass time already,” he said.