CARRBORO, NC — Chatting with a friend earlier today in Open Eye Café, Elliot Fisher, sophomore classics major and Carrboro resident, made it known that he does not “really care about basketball.”
Fisher balanced aloof indifference with seething rage as he explained his qualms regarding UNC’s basketball program and the sport itself, pausing only to brush crumbs off of his orange-juice-stained Elvis Costello t-shirt.
“Ooh, the gladiators from UNC play those from Duke this week? I have better things to care about,” said Fisher, as he idly tore pages from James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake so that he could glue them to the bottom of a Dole fruit box for an art project. “Basketball is nothing more than a baroque regression into man’s primitivity.”
Fisher reportedly moved to Carrboro after his freshman year in Hinton James Residence Hall, severing all ties with the few friends he had made on South Campus. Fisher’s new apartment, located behind Gourmet Kingdom on Lloyd Street, has since served as home for his post-structuralist creative projects, occasional kombucha experiments, and languishing contempt for Carolina basketball.
When asked to defend his position on the sport, Fisher responded by quoting Werner Herzog, saying that basketball players and fans frighten him because their stupidity is so flat.
“’You look into the eyes of a chicken and you lose yourself in a completely flat, frightening stupidity,” said Fisher. “That’s Herzog.”
Growing uncomfortable in the stagnant coffee shop air, he removed the rust-colored circle scarf from around his neck, took a shallow sip of his coffee, and adjusted his glasses before continuing.
“I refuse to become one of the thousands of light-blue-wearing, vulgarity-chanting corporate puppets jumping through hoops to escape the infinite emptiness of their lives,” said Fisher, crossing his legs. “Where is the truth in basketball?”
Thursday night, during the UNC-Duke game, Fisher said that he will burn matches in a lawn chair as a “silent, existential protest.”