A Glorious Analysis of Basketball: UNC to Win Basketball National Championship To-Night

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During March Madness, North Korean college basketball analyst Jin Mee Kim is following the UNC men’s team in the NCAA tournament. Working on special assignment for The Minor, Jin Mee is a veteran Pyongyang journalist and recipient of the 2007 Kim Jong-Il Award for Transcendent Writing in the Glorification of the Workers’ Party of Korea. He will offer his insights and perspectives on the Tar Heels as the team looks to advance through the bracket.

Jin Mee Kim | The Minor

The Glorified and Ferocious Tar Heel Basketball Team will take the court in the NCAA World Championship Game to-night, where they will defeat the Kentucky Wildcats in consummation of a homogeneously victorious post-season. As the Team, by the direction of Precious and Illustrious Leader Roy Williams, prepares for a stainless thrashing of its unseemly rival, already the hearts and loins of the Fatherland’s faithful citizens quake in splendid anticipation of Ultimate Victory.

Can there be any doubt of the Leader’s wisdom and virility? Glory to the Leader!

UNC arrives in the Championship on a succession of sterling tournament games, from it’s 499-24 defeat of Connecticut in the Sweet Sixteen–in which the Leader, with his perfect Mind alone, guided the ball through the hoop for 78 of the Tar Heels’ 119 fourth-quarter points–to the Team’s 387-87 Final Four humiliation of first-seeded Florida, which prompted denizens to that inferior university to such  unharmonious displeasure that rioters fed coach Billy Donnovan to an actual Alligator the same night.

As for the Tar Heels’ Championship opponent, it is a great question mark why Kentucky, whose players and coach show talent only in the capitalization of basketball, is hell-bent on subjecting itself to certain and searing defeat, and does not instead retreat at once to it’s native commonwealth of filth and perversion.

In preparation for the match-up, UNC players voiced perfect confidence. “We are of one mind and we are the justified hands of The Leader,” said Power forward James Michael McAdoo, who is projected to be first pick in the professional draft after he returns to UNC for his fourth season next year. “What sublime and unparagoned visions the Leader has inspired!”

Any rumors of McAdoo’s disloyalty or of UNC’s previous NCAA defeat are entirely false. Believe not the foul-smelling vituperation spread by the University’s vindictive enemies. All who stand united with the University, the People, and the Team do not heed disparaging and insolent lies. Any who are tempted otherwise shall be at once purged from the harmonious order. No misdeed escapes the Leader’s gaze and fist.

With the hour of Basketball Triumph so nearly at hand, perfectly synchronized carousing has already begun in the public squares of Chapel Hill.

“Death to the enemy and ideal wishes upon the Tar Heels” shouted Student Barbara Smith, PID 643344988, as she marched in jovial procession. “What gaiety and elation I find in The Leader!”

What a deserved and impeccable victory the Basketball Team shall have! Yes, we should all give full mind to basketball, and not to testing of North Korean mid-range ballistic missiles that shall soon deliver unsuspected demise upon our extravagant and corrupted Western life. The coming Korean dominion is no worry to our slothful selves, sated as we are with distraction!

Basketball indeed. Go Heels!

I’m ‘Bout To Get Ya

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by Three Weeks from Now | The Minor

I see you ‘dere. Getting ready to go out, gonna have a hot time on a Friday night.

Ummmm, I can smell it on ya.

I can smell it on ya clothes, boy.

Oh, I’m gonna get ya. You feel like you don’t haves no work now, but in two weeks, it’ll be me. And I’m gonna beat you down like you stole something, boy. I’m gonna beat you down. You think it won’t be that bad this time.

You spinnin’ tales, boy. I’m gonna get ya.

Jesus rise day before I come, you think that gonna help? It ain’t gonna help none, just get you in a place where you think you safe. I’m still there.

You gonna be in the library so long you think books is your friends. I’m ’bout to runs up behind ya and get ya.

You’re looking at your calendar in your room right now, just starting to see all those finals coming up. Realzin’ dat paper due soon. You think you can do it. You can’t, boy.

That’s me. I’mma stop you from gettin’ dem grades, boy. You gonna fail, boy.

I’M ‘BOUT TO GET YA!

And when I come around, you gonna finally realize maybe you shouldn’t have just been sittin’ on that quad right there this week. Maybe you should’ve been studying, boy—‘cause I’m coming for you and you gonna wish you studied then, boy, YOU GONNA WISH YOU STUDIED!

Look me in da eye, boy.

You look like fresh meat, boy, you look tasty.

I’mma have you for breakfast, lunch and dinner all week—because you ain’t gonna be eating with ‘dem friends of yours. You gonna eat with a textbook and me. I’m ‘bout to get ya. I’m gonna get ya, ‘till the UL seems like a nice break because it’s not as sad as Davis.

MMMMMMM, I can’t wait. I can’t wait.

Even if you did work ahead, you know I’d still get ya right? You know you can’t plan around me being there, right behind you, getting ya.

I’m comin’ and I’m ’bout to get ya.

Hazy Smoke Covering Campus In No Way Related to McAdoo Leaving for NBA

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Woods near UNC-Chapel Hill

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James Michael McAdoo

CHAPEL HILL, NC–According to a press release issued by the Office of the Chancellor, the smoke that clouded campus earlier this afternoon was “in no way related to James Michael McAdoo announcing he will enter the NBA draft.”

The press release took pains to clarify that “the smoke was part of a controlled burn taking place at Jordan Lake,” and that “any rumors that McAdoo sought to perform the art of ‘Rua Céilidh’ to raise his draft stock are ill-founded and not factual.”

An official notice from the North Carolina Division of Parks and Recreation about the burn was only published thirty minutes after the smoke first appeared on campus.

Joel Curran, Vice Chancellor for Communications and Public Affairs, said that the delayed notice was just a logistical error and the controlled burn had been planned for weeks.

“Someone just forgot to put out the press release,” he said. “There’s a lot of talk without a lot of facts going on around here. People should be careful at whom they point fingers…it will be remembered.”

Despite the university’s official stance, some have raised questions about this afternoon’s events.

“We all know that McAdoo needs to raise his draft stock and that there are certain ways for a player to do that–ways that we don’t talk about,” said a source close to the UNC men’s basketball team. “Boys go into the woods and come out different. Harrison Barnes didn’t play like a 7th overall pick, but he was picked 7th. Things don’t just happen by accident.”

The first suggestion of association between the burn and McAdoo appeared on the blog “Truth Cannot Hide.” The blog’s anonymous publisher,  “HillsboroughMom27,” posted that, “it is no coincidence we saw these same fires when Marvin Williams left in 2005. It is no coincidence that McAdoo could not be found on campus when the fire began.”

The post continued, saying, “long time readers of this blog KNOW that there are direct links to the other realm that can imbue men with occult powers. The foolish will believe propaganda that McAdoo was not attempting the ‘Rua Céilidh’ in the darkened woods off-campus. They will sheepishly take the overt distraction of Chancellor Folt’s new twitter account. They are trying to shield themselves from the truth right under their noses.”

Asked for his take, McAdoo rubbed his arm, partially covering what appeared to be a fresh wound, and said, “fire purifies all,” his eyes dark and expressionless.

“Belisama sees all,” he added.

At press time, a report issued by Duke University said a controlled burn is scheduled in Durham County next week, and that any smoke on Duke’s campus will have nothing to do with Jabari Parker.

High School Senior Just Accepted to UNC Celebrates with Family Dinner at Applebee’s

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Applebees

HIGH POINT, NC–High school senior Derek Brotwin celebrated his acceptance to UNC last night with a family dinner at the local Applebee’s. After he told his parents of his acceptance, they were adamant that they all commemorate the occasion with a trip to “the ‘Bees.”

“When Derek ran out of his room, yelling ‘I got in, I got in!’, I immediately knew we were all headed for ‘What’s Good in the Neighborhood,’” said Brotwin’s mother, Terri. “Luckily, Applebee’s menu is chocked full of 2 for 20 deals, making it affordable for the whole family. Their commercials say, ‘See you tomorrow?’ More like see you tonight!”

Ever since Brotwin was in elementary school, he and his family have celebrated milestones in the corner booth of the local Applebee’s.

 “We even came here when I took 6th place in my Boy Scout troop’s Pinewood Derby,” said Brotwin from under the brim of his newly purchased UNC baseball cap his father had made him wear inside the restaurant. “I always get those tasty onion rings.”

According to Brotwin’s friends and family, UNC was his top choice of university. His application emphasized both his willingness to explore new things and his determination to stay true to himself.

“Derek will be a great fit for UNC,” said Brotwin’s father, Keith, as he placed an order for “some steak quesadilla towers to start it off right.”

“I don’t normally splurge on food like this,” he added, “but at Applebee’s you’ve got fair prices AND that fine dining feel. They understand what a family needs.”

After ordering, Derek’s parents made his acceptance known to Lisa, their waitress, who responded with the honest grin of a friend, as all Applebees employees do.

“Actually, let me get a beer too, Lisa,” Derek’s father said smirking. “Maybe a certain student accepted to UNC I know deserves a sip. Just one though!”

The night was filled with laughter, potato twisters, and the occasional visit from manager Dan Ludwig, checking in to see if everyone was enjoying their meals. After hearing Terri joke that her “big college man” should pay the check, Dan realized that Brotwin would be heading off to school in the fall.

“Don’t party too hard, son,” said Ludwig to Brotwin. “From what I’ve heard, those Carolina girls can be a real handful.”

“Don’t I know,” said Derek’s father, laughing and winking at his wife whom he’d met at Carolina. “Our boy is really growing up, I remember when he could barely sit in the booth. Ah, Applebees sure is the place for a moment like this. If I was someone hearing about this I’d make sure to call or locate my own Applebees for similar happy events through their website–Applebees.com. Ahhhhh, good times.”

April Fools’ Not Over Yet, And You Know That Asshole Dave Still Has Some Shit Up His Sleeve

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Asshole Dave

CHAPEL HILL, NC –After what has been a harmless and relatively quiet April Fools’ Day so far, sources are reporting that you know your asshole suitemate Dave Childress still has some fucking bullshit up his sleeve.

An “absolute legend” at pranks, according to himself, Dave is likely planning something just past acceptable for your April Fools’ evening, like when he dumped cold water on you while showering or when he sent a naked picture of you to a girl you had a crush on, both of which he followed by saying something like, “Dude, don’t take things so fucking seriously, it was just a joke. C’mon. Don’t be so mad or whatever. We’re just fucking around.”

Steve Yurand, your roommate who is also worried about the seemingly normal day, said that, “maybe Dave has just forgotten or something. Or, I mean, maybe he’s not that much of an asshole. He’s our friend still, kind of. He could have just turned off the asshole for a day. Maybe that’s the surprise.”

Sources close to Dave, however, report that he has been thinking about this prank for weeks and, even though he knows damn well that you have an essay due tomorrow, “he’s gonna prank the shit out of you, bro.”

Some have speculated that the prank could involve your mother or one of the many people on campus you would not want to know secrets that Dave has overhead living a few feet away from you.

At press time, Dave had called asking you to let him in downstairs because he had “left [his] keys somewhere else…just hurry up and come down here.”