Sociology Student Files for Restraining Order from Math Professor

CHAPEL HILL, NC — In a private Honor Court hearing this morning, Charlotte Mason, junior sociology major, filed for a restraining order from her Calculus I professor, Jeffery Tinder.

In a sworn statement, Mason said that, since the beginning of the semester, Tinder has “given [her] problems” both in class and via the Internet.

“After just a few weeks, he was asking me to do things I can’t even imagine,” she said. “I’ve tried to stay away from him, but he’s sent me multiple emails warning me that missing his class will be ‘costly.'”

Describing Tinder as “relentless” and “calculating”, Mason provided chilling details of her encounters with the diminutive 83-year-old educator, citing his repeated invitations to “further engage with the material” in office hours, as well as a written document that Tinder gave her outlining his planned harassment for the semester.

Following the hearing, Tinder, who has taught at UNC for the past 30 years, was officially charged with Harassment of a Humanities Student, which carries a sentence of five years of teaching pre-calculus. The bow-tied old man called the charge, “erroneous and illogical”.

“[She] signed up for this. I’m just teaching math,” he said.

“Bike to Uganda” Will Become “Back-Pat to Uganda” in 2014

CHAPEL HILL, NC — In a cost-cutting effort, the executive board of UNC’s Building Tomorrow will convert its successful “Bike to Uganda” fundraiser to “Back-Pat to Uganda” in 2014.

Under the new plan, participants will donate $5 to stand in the Pit and pat themselves on the back for 30 minutes.

Asked to explain the reasoning behind the change, Charles Walker, campus chairman of Building Tomorrow, said that, while he regretted ending the current program, “the primary goal of Bike to Uganda has always been to raise money for our charity, and spending any of that money on stationary bikes doesn’t make sense when there are cheaper ways to generate the self-satisfaction that comes with riding them.”

“It’s a sad fact that fundraisers are fueled by people’s need to show off their generosity,” Walker continued, “and there’s no more direct way to fill that need than by letting people pat themselves on the back in public.”

Carter Michaels, who is participating in Bike to Uganda this year, expressed optimism about the change.

“I like Bike to Uganda because it lets me advertise what a charitable person I am without seeming braggy,” he said. “Under the new program, nobody can call me out for patting myself on the back because I’ll be patting myself on the back to Uganda.”

“Back-Pat to Uganda” organizers say they are looking for success similar to that of Duke’s “Circle Jerk to Uganda.”

Amid Shutdown, Research Professors Afraid They Might Have to Teach

ProfTime

Approximation of time spent by a research professor

CHAPEL HILL, NC — As the government shutdown continues and federal funding remains in flux, research professors at UNC are preparing for the worst.

“We knew it might come to this,” said Stephen Maxis, professor of Germanic studies. “Ignoring undergraduates is what we know best, but by threatening our funding, this shutdown is putting our way of life at risk.”

Accustomed to never responding to emails and not caring in the slightest about their students, professors in many departments are increasingly in danger of losing the grants that have sustained their research and allowed their dickishness to be tolerated.

David Yuztan, chair of UNC’s chemistry department, said the thought of losing funding has kept him up all week.

“To think that I might have to devote more than an ounce of time and energy to the next generation disgusts me,” he said. “Academia is not about teaching. It’s about winning awards at conferences.”

“This is why we created graduate school,” he cried as he began to break down, “they were supposed to deal with undergraduates. Not me. I’m a genius. Doesn’t anyone understand!?”

Board of Governors Resolution Will Require UNC Students to Eat Crayons

Chapel Hill, NC—In a special session convened earlier this week, the UNC Board of Governors passed a resolution mandating that all students at UNC Chapel Hill eat crayons.

Julie Poorman, director of financial aid at East Carolina University and member of the committee that created the policy, made a statement to the press on Tuesday explaining the new measure. Starting in the fall of 2014, she said, each student enrolled at UNC-CH will have 10 days from the start of the semester to ingest a 24-count box of assorted crayons.

“Students at other UNC-system schools have been eating crayons for years, and it’s high time that we got everyone on the same page” said Poorman. “If you want to take classes at UNC, now you’ve got to eat crayons.”

According to a report published by the UNC General Administration in February, UNC-CH has the lowest six-year crayon-eating rate in the system, 2.6% in the most recent semester for which data was available. The rate is far below those of other UNC-system schools, which range from 20.4% at UNC Asheville to 76.9% at NC State.

Supporters of the new measures say that they are necessary to level the playing field, but UNC-CH administrators have voiced strong criticism, describing the regulations as “misguided” and “counterproductive.”

“We have always left it up to our students to deicide when, if ever, they will eat crayons,” said Bobbi Owen, senior associate dean for undergraduate education. “Frankly, it’s never been much of an issue.”

“We have excellent students at UNC. They’re wonderful and enthusiastic,” Owen continued. “I don’t think that requiring them to eat crayons is in their best interest.”

Once the policy is enacted, UNC-CH students who do not eat the requisite number crayons will be subject to holds on registration for future semesters and may have financial aid withheld. Exceptions will be made only for extenuating circumstances such as illness or military service.

Currently enrolled students will not be “grandfathered” out of the requirement in 2014, although The Board of Governors is considering allowing them to peel the paper wrappers off of their crayons before ingesting them for the first two semesters that the policy is in effect.

The resolution is unpopular with students and faculty in Chapel Hill, but around the state, policymakers are expressing support for the measure.

“Until liberal politicians took over our schools, eating crayons was the norm,” said Art Pope, budget director for Governor McCrory and a long-standing advocate for the policy. “I ate crayons when I was a student at UNC, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect the same from our students today.”

The Weigh-In: New Add/Drop Policy

The UNC drop period will be changed from 8 weeks to 10 days starting Fall 2014. What’s your take?

Dawson2

“Now you can never escape.”

Henry Townsend, Professor of Organic Chemistry

Charlie

“We are excited to capably handle this confusing transition like we do everything else.”

Terrance Herman, University Registrar

Hans_Peter

“As much as students may be upset, this was a compromise. We did not originally want the registration process to be gender neutral.”

Peter Hans, Chairman of Board of Governors

Hey, Check Out My Study Abroad Blog

By Your Friend Studying Abroad | The Minor

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Hello Facebook! A few of you might know this already, but I’ll be in Seville (Spanish: Sevilla), Spain, next semester. If you want to know what kind of cool cultural experiences I’m having while you’re stuck in America, feel free to check out my blog!

(PunWithMyNameAndStudyAbroad.wordpress.com)

These next four months are going to be the greatest time of my life-–and I want you to know it–-so check my blog regularly for updates, and you might learn what it’s like to live outside the bubble of the United States.

I’ll begin my blog before I leave home, of course, by updating you on the various details of trip planning and packing. If you thought packing for your own trip was boring, wait until you read 600 words about another person’s packing, written in the bland but passable style of a junior political science and spanish double major.

It’s important you read that post because it will be your first taste of me describing inane details of my life, with the obvious expectation that you will appreciate them just because they come in blog form and are written by me.

It will be my first taste of power.

Once I’ve touched down in Spain, I’ll let you know about all the exciting things I’ve done already, like taking an international flight, visiting baggage claim, and checking into my hotel. You know, the kind of life-changing moments of cross-cultural communication that must be preserved in painstaking detail for posterity.

You can also expect a post about the things I will miss most about the United States. This post will really bring home the point that my life is better than yours in every way imaginable. I’ll give you a whitewashed version of my life in America, filled with close friends and delicious home-cooked meals compiled into a list that’s short enough to keep your attention and long enough to make you wish you were me.

When I share it on Facebook, I’m expecting double-digit ‘Likes.’

After that, we’ll reach the first of many ground-breaking cultural critiques, either on the deliciousness of Spanish cuisine or the graciousness of my AMAZING host mother, or madre. I’ll let you know that you haven’t lived until you’ve tasted jamón ibérico or sangria straight from the plastic bottle. I’ll tell you how hospitable my host mother is, how this interesting and unique woman–-whose eyes twinkle with life, whose crow’s feet speak to a lifetime of little niños raised to adulthood under the firm but tender rule of a Spanish ama de casa–-will make my experience in Spain unrepeatable.

I’ll want you to know what you’re missing out on, but words won’t be able to capture it.

Next, I’ll begin a multi-part series on Spanish night life. Like many great American authors, I’ll experience the vibrant culture of Spain by drinking with other Americans. The best part about studying abroad is that it lets me publicly describe my nights of binge drinking and debauchery without worrying what future employers will think. My Facebook might be PG, but like anything with cultural value, my blog is rated R.

The group of Americans (and probably UNC students) in my program will be at the core of my Spanish cultural experience. They’re the people I’ll speak English to when I’m not speaking to waiters, they’re the people I’ll drink with on Tuesday nights when Spaniards are sleeping, and they’re the people I’ll hook up with at the discotecas. I won’t talk about them much in my blog, because that would break the illusion that I have integrated into the city in a matter of days, that I have woven myself into the beautiful Moorish tapestry that is southern Spain, that I have become a native, a sevillano.

I’m going to visit a lot of cool places while I’m in Spain, so you can expect several brilliantly composed iPhone photos of Spain’s cultural landmarks. A panorama shot of the Alhambra, brilliantly captioned “The Alhambra” for instance, or a photograph of Emily and Clara atop La Giralda, a brilliant work of profile picture-quality.

These images, which will rival postcards in their breathtaking splendor, will be irrefutable proof that I have internalized the cultural wealth of Spain, that these pieces of our common heritage have worked like potter’s hands on the earthen vessel of my soul, sculpting me into a sage and worldly traveler whose depths cannot be sounded by you plebeians back home.

Every once in a while, I’ll write a post about how the beauty and culture of Spain have changed my outlook on life. These will occur at the low points of my trip, during the tedious afternoons between the classes that I don’t do work for and the American bars I frequent at night, when I have no idea what to do with myself because Hulu and Netflix don’t work in Europe, and when I am closest to admitting I’ve learned very little about what it means to be a Spaniard.

These are the times when I’ll write about how transformative my time in Spain has been.

The same platitudes I heard at the mandatory study abroad orientation will be waiting for you when you visit my blog, between my stories of Oktoberfest and an account of my time in Morocco, there to convince you that I’ve experienced something worth writing home about.

You’ll walk with me through one of Spain’s rural villages, or aldeas, you’ll meet the campesino whose generosity humbled me, and you’ll know that I’m much better at being humbled than you’ll ever be.

I write because I am the heir to Hemingway, and my four months in Seville will be remembered as the great sequel to his time in Pamplona so many years ago. Each five-hundred word post will reveal something of the Spanish and Americans spirits, intertwined in an elaborate flamenco dance in my soul, poured into the open vessel of my inner self, one chupito at a time.

Skype me at PunWithMyNameAndANovelFromAPEnglish.

Honor Prison, “Hitmo,” Still Open After Folt’s First 100 Days

Guantanamo Bay Prison

FAYETTEVILLE, NC – Despite promises to the contrary, Chancellor Folt announced this morning that UNC’s Honor Prison will not close today, the 100th day of her chancellorship.

When Folt took office in early July, her administration pledged to close the controversial facility, which is located in Fayeteville, NC, outside of the university’s legal boundaries. But progress has been slow to date.

“Hitmo” has been embroiled in scandal since 2011, when, under Chancellor Thorp, reports emerged of “enhanced interrogation” at the facility.

“We were being tortured,” said Alex Woster, junior political science major, who was sent to the prison after the NacAgent on his computer recorded him telling a friend he cheated on LFIT quizzes.

“We were made to sharpen pencils for hours, index books, and make scantrons until we would give up information on other plagiarizers,” said Woster. “We didn’t know anything.”

Calling the prison, “necessary for campus security,” Thorp refused to close “Hitmo” during his tenure as chancellor, sending both convicted and “suspected” students to the off-campus detention center.

“There is a war on plagiarism,” said Chancellor Thorp at the time. “I’m not willing to put this campus at risk.”

In Folt, many hoped for a change, but “Hitmo” remains open.

“This process is not easy,” Folt said. “We have to talk to all legal counsels involved and negotiate some kind of transfer of prisoners. These are not your normal Honor Code transgressors; these are the pathologic plagiarizers, the serial smoking-in-the dorm roomers. We don’t want to just release these hardened criminals into the general UNC population.”

Folt’s inaction has not come without backlash. Recently released “Hitmo” detainee and registered parking offender, Grey Sanders has partnered with ex-prison guard Kevin Trollop and the Campus Y to pressure the new Chancellor on the issue.

“They forced me to proofread professors’ syllabi for grammatical errors while blaring metal [music] through the speakers,” said Sanders of his time in Honor Prision. “This unconstitutional institution must not continue.”

Trollop was the informant who first brought allegations of “Hitmo” abuse to Chancellor Thorp’s administration, quickly garnering campus-wide attention. He was as a work-study Honor Prision guard at the time.

“[The guards] got out of hand, we lost sight of the reality,” said a distraught Trollop in a statement to the press last May. “I saw student after student tortured for forging official university documents. We thought we were protecting the people back at UNC, but is a UNC that allows “Hitmo” to stand worth protecting?”

Trollop, Sanders, and the Campus Y will be hosting a “Pita for Prisoners” protest at this weekend’s upcoming Folt Fest.