CHAPEL HILL, NC — In a cost-cutting effort, the executive board of UNC’s Building Tomorrow will convert its successful “Bike to Uganda” fundraiser to “Back-Pat to Uganda” in 2014.

Under the new plan, participants will donate $5 to stand in the Pit and pat themselves on the back for 30 minutes.

Asked to explain the reasoning behind the change, Charles Walker, campus chairman of Building Tomorrow, said that, while he regretted ending the current program, “the primary goal of Bike to Uganda has always been to raise money for our charity, and spending any of that money on stationary bikes doesn’t make sense when there are cheaper ways to generate the self-satisfaction that comes with riding them.”

“It’s a sad fact that fundraisers are fueled by people’s need to show off their generosity,” Walker continued, “and there’s no more direct way to fill that need than by letting people pat themselves on the back in public.”

Carter Michaels, who is participating in Bike to Uganda this year, expressed optimism about the change.

“I like Bike to Uganda because it lets me advertise what a charitable person I am without seeming braggy,” he said. “Under the new program, nobody can call me out for patting myself on the back because I’ll be patting myself on the back to Uganda.”

“Back-Pat to Uganda” organizers say they are looking for success similar to that of Duke’s “Circle Jerk to Uganda.”

Approximation of time spent by a research professor

CHAPEL HILL, NC — As the government shutdown continues and federal funding remains in flux, research professors at UNC are preparing for the worst.

“We knew it might come to this,” said Stephen Maxis, professor of Germanic studies. “Ignoring undergraduates is what we know best, but by threatening our funding, this shutdown is putting our way of life at risk.”

Accustomed to never responding to emails and not caring in the slightest about their students, professors in many departments are increasingly in danger of losing the grants that have sustained their research and allowed their dickishness to be tolerated.

David Yuztan, chair of UNC’s chemistry department, said the thought of losing funding has kept him up all week.

“To think that I might have to devote more than an ounce of time and energy to the next generation disgusts me,” he said. “Academia is not about teaching. It’s about winning awards at conferences.”

“This is why we created graduate school,” he cried as he began to break down, “they were supposed to deal with undergraduates. Not me. I’m a genius. Doesn’t anyone understand!?”