Approximation of time spent by a research professor

CHAPEL HILL, NC — As the government shutdown continues and federal funding remains in flux, research professors at UNC are preparing for the worst.

“We knew it might come to this,” said Stephen Maxis, professor of Germanic studies. “Ignoring undergraduates is what we know best, but by threatening our funding, this shutdown is putting our way of life at risk.”

Accustomed to never responding to emails and not caring in the slightest about their students, professors in many departments are increasingly in danger of losing the grants that have sustained their research and allowed their dickishness to be tolerated.

David Yuztan, chair of UNC’s chemistry department, said the thought of losing funding has kept him up all week.

“To think that I might have to devote more than an ounce of time and energy to the next generation disgusts me,” he said. “Academia is not about teaching. It’s about winning awards at conferences.”

“This is why we created graduate school,” he cried as he began to break down, “they were supposed to deal with undergraduates. Not me. I’m a genius. Doesn’t anyone understand!?”