By Facebook | The Minor

You’ve known I run this market for too damn long to be coming at me with this bullshit. Don’t take it personally, I’ve been taking down these new kids since I started out. All in the game yo, and no disrespect but an email PR stunt just ain’t gonna do it.

Let me know when you have an Oscar-nominated movie made about your creation, then we can speak on it. ‘Till then, watch your back. I know you tryin’ to duel with the big dogs, but when you spar with puppies all day ain’t no running with the wolves.

The game ain’t for the weak of mind. And I don’t know if you’ll ever get it, but it ain’t money yo. It’s about respect. Fuckin’ around on an email service meant to inform students of crimes, you damn well know that ain’t right.

I see you now. Oh indeed, I see ya. But remember, Facebook don’t scare. And if you come at the king, you best not miss.

The State Fair has begun in North Carolina. What’s your take?

“The pigs were great this year. Multiple full thrust snouts. Some of the most beautiful, silky skins I’ve seen in years. Magnificent crop of swine.”

Tina Nort, Chemistry, ’16

“More like State Unfair. Fight the power!”

Thurston Plath, Women’s and gender studies, ’14

“Fried Oreos help me forget what happened.”

Trent Clyth, Economics, ’17

Chapel Hill, NC– This morning, Sababa, UNC Chapel Hill’s Jewish a capella group, announced that it cut an uncircumcised member over the weekend.

Members of Sababa reportedly discovered the uncircumcised member in the locker room of North Carolina Hillel following a Friday evening performance. Member Aaron Burger walked out of the shower with his member exposed, unaware that other members were present in the changing area. After a brief moment of “stunned silence,” Sababa members detained the uncircumcised member while a rabbi was called to the scene.

As soon as Rabbi Tal Kirschdorf arrived, Sababa convened an emergency meeting in the Hillel temple. After a brief deliberation, the uncircumcised member was swiftly and permanently cut.

Members of the group described the uncircumcised member’s exposure as “upsetting” and reiterated that circumcision is critical to membership in a Jewish organization.

“As a member of the Jewish faith, I think it’s of upmost importance that every member in our group be circumcised,” said Sababa member Nathan Kravitz. “Mine certainly is.”

Sababa president Isaac Hendel defended the members’ handling of the uncircumcised member.

“Obviously, none of us wanted to have to cut a member like that,” said Hendel, “but considering that this is an organization that upholds the tenets of Jewish faith, we had no other option. Situations like this can sting, but ultimately they’re least painful when you grab them head-on and get things over with.”

“At this point, every member in our group is circumcised,” Hendel continued. “I can promise you that.”

Hanging his head in shame, the cut member declined comment.

Chapel Hill, NC– Following the hype of “Zero Dark Thursday,” the UNC Athletic Department announced today that the Rowing Team’s October 25th home meet will be themed “Hotel Row-Anda.”

“A meet like this is big time, and this theme capitalizes on that,” said Bubba Cunninghman, UNC’s athletic director. “As with ‘Zero Dark Thursday,’ it’s all about setting the right tone with a pun on the name of an action-packed, Oscar-nominated movie.”

Students will be using the hashtag #ROWandanWINocide to promote the event.

Chapel Hill, NC – After weeks of investigation, Campus Police have identified Lieutenant Colonel Ignatius Hayfield Alderson, C.S.A., Class of 1852, as the source of the uncanny chill pervading the Nelson Mandela auditorium.

Reports indicate that Colonel Alderson moved into the 250-person auditorium, known for its comfortable seating, movie theater-sized screen, and perturbing ambiance, shortly after the completion of the FedEx Global Center.

Speaking in the disembodied voice of one who has not yet passed on, Alderson explained that he moved into UNC’s premiere venue for guest lecturers and cultural exhibitions to make use of its generous amenities–which include a Region-Free Blue-Ray player, fixed tablet arm seating, and wireless microphones–and also to protest the recognition of Mr. Mandela, whom he believes “does not represent the values of this University.”

“I really like the dimmable lighting. It helps me project an aura of cold fear and dread. But I don’t see how we can name a room after a human rights advocate like Nelson Mandela and still uphold the ideals of our founders,” said the specter, who rose from beneath the auditorium’s movable podium adorned in the uniform of a Confederate Calvary officer, still bloody from a gunshot wound sustained during the Battle of the Wilderness.

“I think we should recognize the people who actually built this University, like plantation owners, confederate soldiers, and KKK organizers. It just seems to me like we are moving away from our roots” added Alderson, who uses the auditorium’s document camera during meetings of his Confederate Ghosts Book Club, which meets biweekly to read and discuss the love letters and white supremacist tracts its members wrote during their lifetimes.

“Of course, some of us boys have got buildings named after us,” explained Alderson, as he passed his wraith-like hands over the keyboard of the auditorium’s In-House PC, “like Billy Saunders [Class of ’54]. I fought with Billy. He’s a true confederate, and his work with the KKK was laudable. Governor Vance [Class of ’52] and General Pettigrew [Class of ’47] got buildings named for ’em too. Lots of us got buildings at UNC, but ain’t a none of them as fancy as that colored Mandela’s.”

Damned to walk the earth until Judgment Day, Alderson said that when he is not raising goose bumps on the arms of students at the Nelson Mandela Auditorium’s various cultural offerings, he spends his time admiring the Confederate flag in the upper window of the Sigma Chi house or using his racist alum discount at the Daniels Student Stores, whose namesake, Josephus Daniels, continues to publish prejudiced diatribes in the area’s foremost ghost periodical, the Raleigh News and Observer.

Chubbies Shorts sent the following press release to The Minor announcing their partnership with UNC’s chapter of Kappa Sigma:

Chubsters from East to West know what it means to bro out. Radical dudesters like the bros of Kappa Sig stand for everything we do: short shorts, good times and hazing. When you think fraternity, you should think Chubbies. You should think American flags, BBQs and elephant walks. We aren’t afraid to provide rad gear to young adults with too much of their parents’ money to spend, too much thigh to contain, and too much sexual confusion not to haze. The brothers of Kappa Sig have joined the revolution, and most pledge processes require that you will too.

Stay rad,

Team Chubbies

Caudill Laboratories, where Whitesides has worked throughout his career at UNC

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Michael Whitesides, senior chemistry major, was put on academic probation Monday after reports surfaced that he received illegal gifts from recruiters for the pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline.

Rumors of illicit activity first emerged after Whitesides was seen driving a rented Mercedes-Benz to and from Caudill Laboratories earlier in the semester. Then, on September 25, Whitesides aroused further suspicion when he tweeted “livin the hi lyfe lol #GlaxoSmithKash” from his personal Twitter account while attending an academic conference in London. The account has since been deactivated.

A reporter for The Minor subsequently discovered a trove of receipts paid by GlaxoSmithKline representatives for an “M. Whitesides.” The receipts cover plane tickets, entertainment, and five-star hotel accommodations coinciding in time and location with the London conference and several others that Whitesides attended over the past four months.

The number one recruit in his class and the son of legendary chemist George Whitesides, Michael won the James H. Maguire Memorial Award for outstanding research by a junior last year, and was the favorite for the Carrie Largent Award for Research Excellence upon his graduation this spring. Deemed a “prodigy” by several industry analysts, Whitesides was the subject of intense attention from professional recruiters at the outset of his senior year.

“Everyone wants [Whitesides],” said a recruiter who spoke on the condition of anonymity, “and most of us would do just about anything to get him.”

GlaxoSmithKline declined official comment on the incident.

The Department of Chemistry’s decision to place Whitesides on probation came soon after the discovery of the receipts was reported late last week. As an official American Chemical Society probe looks imminent, spokespeople within the Department of Chemistry and those close to Whitesides have denied any prior knowledge of the alleged impropriety.

“We are looking into the allegations, and a full investigation will occur before any more steps will be taken,” said Department of Chemistry spokesman Lane Perdue in a statement to the press. “We will provide full cooperation in assessing to what extent, if any, these allegations hold up.”

Despite Whitesides’s suspension, several faculty within the Department of Chemistry have cautioned observers against rushing to judgement in the matter.

“Michael is a fine young man, and I can tell you that all he wants is to get back in the lab where he belongs” said Valerie Ashby, Department of Chemistry Chair. “Now is not the time to jump to conclusions and ruin the career of a top-notch young chemist.”