CHAPEL HILL, NC–With series like Harry Potter, Twilight, and the Hunger Games flying off the shelves, the “Young Adults'” section of the Bull’s Head Bookshop continues to thrive.

Karen Lillian, a second-year medical student at UNC, says she goes there “to wind down when [she] gets stressed out from school.”

“I really like The Hunger Games,” said Lillian. “I don’t always want to read books that are serious or hard or whatever. Some days I just want to read about Katniss and not have to worry about anything. That’s not wrong.”

Others come to relive the past.

“After a long day, I like to grab a coffee from The Daily Grind and sit down with The Hobbit,” said history Ph.D candidate Max Martisk. “It’s nice to just feel like a kid again and forget about rescripting Stalinist masculinity in Soviet film and society.”

Bull’s Head Bookshop owner Ted Bisby said that he understands the appeal.

“I guess they are fun and easy to read,” he said of the books whose plots, settings, and themes are meant to appeal to adolescent sensibilities. “Sometimes students need a break.”

“My 13 year-old daughter has been begging me to bring her home a copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” he added, “but we’re always sold out.”

Theodore Fortsen, junior physics major, said he bought a copy of Harry Potter and the Golbet of Fire in the Young Adults’ section to read on slow, recuperative Sundays.

“When I’m hungover or tired, I just want to go to that happy place,” he said. “Rereading and imagining myself in Hogwarts with Harry and his friends helps me get there.”

By Fuck You | The Minor

I am not going to your shitty Sweet Frog benefit night. You fucking prick.

It’s not because of the irony of shoving frozen yogurt down your gullet in the name of child hunger, and it’s not even the subtle way you imply you are involved on campus by posting four to five statuses about it on Facebook. It’s that your benefit night benefits no one. Fuck you. You piece of absolute shit.

What are you going to make, like $12.70?

Your flyer says it is a benefit for a 5k. That doesn’t even make sense. Even if the 5k is a charity event it makes no fucking sense.

Also, Sweet Frog, really? Who in their right FUCKING mind would choose over-priced, shitty ass Sweet Fucking Frog.

Take that goddamn silver spoon of shitty pomegranate tart with a topping of golden flakes out of your stupid, stupid mouth and shove it up your ass.

I bet you didn’t even call ahead to check with Sweet Frog. They’re probably going to run out of their 10 spoons and everyone is going to have to eat with forks. Fuck you to the brink of extinction.

Oh – you made flyers? Congratulations. I did that shit in first grade when my dog ran away. He didn’t come back.

You even misspelled “Thrusday.” And you are an idiot who is not inventive enough to think of a fundraiser more effective than a benefit night.

This night will only benefit your resume. Fuck you.

No, I won’t be able to make it, but thanks for the invitation.

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Sunday evening, the number twelve ranked North Carolina Tar Heels men’s basketball team was upset following a close loss to the Belmont Bruins.

Tar Heel players filed into the locker room silently after a late Belmont three-pointer sealed the game. Some suppressed sniffles and avoided eye contact, while others sat with towels over their faces.

Glowering at the floor, Brice Johnson began to breathe heavily through his nose before standing up and slamming his fist against the wall of his locker.

“Fuck this shit,” yelled Johnson to a still silent room. “I didn’t think an unranked bunch of fucks could upset me like this. Goddamn fucking bullshit.”

“Maybe if J.P. could make a free throw,” Marcus Paige mumbled from the corner of the room.

“At least I’m on the court,” J.P. Tokoto shouted, standing up from his wooden locker, “fuck you, P.J..”

As P.J. Hairston looked down and turned his back to the room, Paige stood up, screamed, and leapt onto his back, pounding Hariston with both fists as teammates tried to restrain him.

The fighting continued until Roy Williams burst into the room.

“The hell y’all doing out there,” began the red-faced coach, his silver hair matted with sweat, “Marcus sit the fuck down. All of you sit down and shut up, you over-ranked, pretentious bunch of cocksuckers.”

“Are you listening to me, James?” Williams said, bringing his face inches from James Michael McAdoo’s, his eyes bulging and spittle flying from his mouth, “I got news for you McAdoo, you’re not as good as you fucking think you are.”

“And I’ve got news for all you boys,” he said, wheeling away from McAdoo to face the room, “all of you played like absolute shit tonight. Except for you Leslie, you played about average. Fuck you.”

“Boys, I’ve been coachin’ basketball a long time,” continued Williams, the veins on his forehead bulging, “and I can’t tell you the last time I was this upset. Belmont? Fucking Belmont?! Does anyone even know where Belmont is? Did anyone even remember that we were playing Belmont this year?! Fuck all of you,” he screamed, grabbing a folding chair and hurling it across the locker room.

Joel James began a convulsing, hiccup-laden sob as snot flared from his nostrils.

“I’m…so…upset,” he whimpered between desperate inhales.

After Williams slammed the door behind him, freshmen Kennedy Meeks, who had been silent the whole time, stood up and ripped a picture of Michael Jordan from his locker, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Sources close to the team said they expect the Tar Heels will face even bigger upsets as their ranking falls throughout the season.

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Standing in Memorial Hall at last night’s Trampled by Turtles concert, Kevin Cantor, sophomore Public Policy major, did not know what to do with his body.

“No dancing, obviously,” thought Cantor. “Maybe some light swaying? Yeah, sway to the song. Am I doing this right? I’m going to pat along to the beat on my leg. Wait, no, hands in pocket? No, arms folded. Fuck.”

Looking around the Hall, Cantor tried to copy other attendees by clapping along slightly off beat, yelling, and bobbing his head. Despite these efforts, Cantor reported that he was still uncomfortable.

“I just feel like my balls are touching my leg more than they ever have in my life,” Cantor thought as he shifted his weight from the right to the left for the fourth time that night. “Why are we standing? It’s not a dance. I just want to sit. Or jump. Can I jump? Is that wrong, to want to jump? Fuck.”

Emily Phillips, a close friend who attended the concert with Cantor, said she had no idea that he was struggling.

“He was just watching the music, occasionally getting into it,” she said. “He sometimes kind of gets in his head about stuff like that.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Watching him stride down the sidewalk in front of Top of The Hill, sources confirmed that the twenty-something guy wearing a tailored navy suit on Franklin Street is probably a dick.

Noting his disaffected, impatient air and expensive-looking haircut, sources wondered “who the fuck [the twenty-something] thinks he is,” and went on to speculate that, doubtless, he refers to whatever he does during the day as a “position.”

In all likelihood, the man enjoys overpriced drinks at crowded bars with nearly identical cocky young fucks, sources added, and presumably says the word “networking” at least five times a day.

“The thing is, that if a guy that age were doing something that required a suit and was actually important, he probably wouldn’t be on Franklin Street,” one witness thought as the man pulled up the cuff of his dress shirt to check his watch, “but the fact that he is on Franklin Street and wearing a suit means that–more than likely–this guy has the misinformed impression that he’s some hot fucking shit.”

“Plus, just look at him,” the observer continued. “Imagine if someone were like, ‘Oh, yeah, that guy? He’s really nice. He volunteers at the animal shelter with a friend of mine.’ I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I would be surprised.”

At press time, sources reported that the thirty-something guy wearing aviators, a blazer, and jeans on Franklin Street is definitely a dick.

The final indictments related to the UNC football scandal have been unsealed; two agents have been charged with athlete agent inducement. What’s your take?

“That’ll teach ’em.”

Timmens Forest, Professor of History

“I can finally heal.”

The Honor of the University, EXSS, ’15

“C’mon no one cares about football scandals. It’s time for basketball scandals! Go Heels!”

Roy Williams, UNC Basketball Head Coach

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Looking up from his Buzzfeed article on ’10 Famous Kitten Lovers’ this morning, James Fellows, junior Biology major, bobbed his head up and down, pretending he understood every nuance of his statistics professor’s explanation of the root-mean-square error.

“I have total comprehension of the knowledge you are transferring to me,” Fellows seemed to say with his head movements and focused eye contact, even as he failed to grasp the faintest meaning of his professor’s words.

Moving his eyes between his laptop and the professor, Fellows went on to falsely indicate genuine interest and understanding by nodding at multiple points throughout the subsequent portions of the lecture.

“I have no idea what is going on,” thought Fellows, as he squinted his eyes for a moment, paused his nod, and then preceded to nod again, as if now fully grasping the point being made. “Fuck, I hope someone is paying attention whose notes I can grab when studying for the final.”

Sources close to Fellows say he plans to go to office hours this week to nod knowingly in a more personal context.